Dreaming for infinity

Am I worthless ???

Tigger warning: it talks about abuse, cutting yourself and has some negative thought about themselves. If I'm comfortable skip to ☺️ emoji

Killua pov

For the rest of the week Gon acted like nothing happened and pika stopped challenging him.

"Hey onii Chan!"
" hey Alluka and Nanika"

I hug both of them and went up stairs but I was only able to go half way before my mom yelled for me to get in the kitchen. I walk back down stairs and I could see the fear in Alluka eyes.

" how many times do I have to say no matter how loud I scream and how many times I cry I am always going to fine, don tell anyone but it all just an act, it doesn't even hurt, so don't worry ok?"

" ok onii Chan. Your really good at acting! You should be a actor, you'll make so much money!!"

" yeah I would, that's such a great idea".

Good she believes me. I don't want her to worry about me. It only make her sad and cry. I want her to continue smiling as big as she is smiling right now. Her smile always get through the day. I look around for illumi and of course he's not here. She loves doing this when he's not here.

I walk to the kitchen and before I could even say anything my mom smacks me.

" your so worthless! When are you going to be fucking of use! Huh?! YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU CANT EVEN DATE THE RIGHT GENDER, YOU CANT DO SHIT!" She screams.  Jeez she so fucking loud, can't she lower her voice, I don't want alluka to hear.

Then she pushes me to the floor and start to kick me on my ribs over and over again.

I wish illumi or Zeno was here. Then this wouldn't happen. I wish she would stop kicking me.

Then she grabbed me b my hair and spat on my face and stomp on my face. She then continued to kick me. After a few more minutes of her kicking me she looks at me and leaves.

Ugh, it doesn't hurt as bad as it's suppose to. Maybe because im used to it. I hear the door open and I peek my head out from the corner wall and I see mom leaving again.

I sneakily walk back up the stairs just so Alluka doesn't see me.

I get to my room, lock the door. I curl up in a a ball and start crying.

Am I really worthless?
Why can't I be happy?
Why is it so hard?
How much longer?
How much longer will Alluka be the only reason I live?
If I just die right now, will everyone be happy?
Am I just a burden to everyone?
Will I always be alone?
Am I really that worthless to be treated like this  all the time?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why? Why? Why! Why! Why!! Why!!
Why
Am I really worthless?

Gon- heyyy killua

I don't want to talk right Gon. I sit up on my bed and go to the edge of my bed. I put my hands under the bed and grab a box. I place it on my bed and open it. Inside is bandages , alcohol pads, razor and stitches. I unwrap the bandages on my arm and place them on the bed spread out. I grab the razor and put my arm on the spread out bandages.

They I cut my wrist over the halfway healed ones. I cut and cut and cut. Until they go up to the back of my elbow. Then I do the same thing to the other hand. I cut and cut and cut and cut until it looks like the other arm.

I look at both arms and for some reason I think it looks really pretty when the cuts turn into a pretty pink and it feels good. I feel relieved after I cut. Then I disinfect the cuts and rewrap my arms. *sigh* I put the box away and grab my phone. I should text him back.

☺️.

Killua- hey

Wow he replies fast.

Gon- wydddddd
Killua- nothing-.-
Killua- wbu
Gon- I'm helping my aunt with dinner
Killua- ooh what y'all making
Gon- fried rice with fried chicken and dumplings and flan as a dessert
Killua-  damn that sounds good
Gon- yeah it is 😁
Killua- do you live with your aunt?
Gon- yeah, both my parents died
Killua- oh
Gon- yeah but I consider aunt Mito as my mom
Killua- nice 👍🏾

Maybe Gon can be a new reason to live or to continue to live. His smile reminds me of Alluka's, so bright and beautiful. It makes me want to smile too. I noticed the only time I have truly smiled was because of them two. Wow, he already is making a big impact on my life and I just met him.

I grab my laptop that was on my desk and go on fananimation and watch the demon slayer movie.

........

Oh my fucking god!! Why did they have to kill him. I'm balling my eyes out. That was just beautiful and sad. He was suppose to teach them or become their Sensei but that fucking asshole had to ruin everything. Not to lie inosuke and rengoku are fine as fuck. But back to what I was saying this shit was sad but real good movie.

Killua- have you watched the demon slayer???
Gon- yup!!
Killua- did you like it???
Gon- yup, but it was really sad at the end
Killua- it really was
Gon- you cried didn't you😏
Killua- what nooooo!!
Gon- ahahahaha you did
Killua- did not
Gon- yesssss you did heheheheheheheh
Killua- 😡😡
Gon- awwww don't pout, I almost cried
Killua- 😑 that's not enough, you should have cried
Gon- owwwwwwww that was mean🥺🥺
Killua- haahahahahahhaah that's what you get
Gon- soo mean 😭
Killua- hhehehehehehhhe

I put away my phone and go to take a quick shower.

When I come out I have the the towel wrapped around and I go to dresser and pick out a black thick sweater and some short black shorts. Before I put on the sweater I go to the bathroom mirror and I look at all the bruises she put on my body. I guess I can do is ignore them for now and put the sweater.

I was going to hop onto my bed but illumi just busted into my room. That dumbass, I forgot he's also a reason I don't kill myself.

" hey kill"
"Hey dumbass, do you know what knocking is??"
"Yeeaaahhh, but idc"
" what if I was doing something or what if I was naked"
" it's not like I haven't seen you masterbate or seen you naked"
" I'm going to kill you"
" hhahahah, anyways wanna hangout tomorrow"
" yeah sure, what we doing???"
" surprise" he said and walked out my room. Of course it's a surprise. He always surprises me.
I close my eyes and slowly fall asleep. I hope tomorrow will be fun.

I see illumi as a good brother even in the hxh show. Illumi was just trying to protect his brother the only way he knew and was taught. I think if he wasn't taught like that he would be a great brother 😊