Take Me To Church (Unholy)

Safe (Kihyun)

Trigger warning: blood and violence. The parts that include those things are marked before they happen.

When I told Gaeun I didn't want to be with her, I was a gentleman, I was respectful, I was kind and nice, I rejected her gently. I am always respectful to women and I'd never do anything to disrespect them, at least I try to. But no matter how respectful I was, she didn't take it well. She was so angry I got a slap on the face. She yelled at me about giving her hopes and she was right to. I was an asshole for acting nice to her and then rejecting her. Being afraid of my father doesn't excuse what I did.

After the conversation I had with Gaeun, I think she went straight to her father because when I got home after talking to her, her father was in our living room yelling at my father about how disgraceful his eldest son is. "How could you let this happen?" The man yelled. "My daughter is in shambles! Because of your son! Didn't you teach your son how to be an honorable man? Didn't you teach him anything?" And I know things will get really bad because there's nothing worse than my father's ego being hurt.

Then the man starts yelling at me, insulting me in ways I haven't been insulted before. No one has ever questioned the way I treat people, people always complimented me because of how nice I am to everyone. "Stay away from my daughter!" I wonder what she told him to make him so angry.

When the man leaves, I don't bother running from my father. I know he will catch me, he always catches me. So I stand by the stairs quietly, with my head lowered, and bravely wait for what's to come. "You are disgraceful!" He yells, *tw* running to me then lands a powerful punch on my cheek.

The punch comes harder than any punch he's given me before, running to me before the punch probably gave him impulse and made the blow more intense. I feel like all my teeth are knocked out and I immediately taste blood in my mouth. Then another punch comes, quickly followed by another.

I don't even have time to process the pain I feel, all I feel is scared and desperate to get away but too scared to try. I know my whole body hurts but adrenaline stops me from feeling it right then. There's so much blood in my mouth from all the punches on my mouth and cheek, I choke on my own blood and spurt blood all over his face then I start crying because I know that will get me in trouble, even more trouble.

He pushes me to the ground so hard, I hit my head hard on the floor which I'm thankful for because I get dizzy and things feel fuzzy and the kicks on my ribs, the stepping on my chest, I can feel them vividly but I feel my mind trying to drift away and it feels easier.

"Please stop." I beg amongst tears, trying to get his foot off my chest. "I can't breathe..."

"You're weak!"

He doesn't stop, he keeps kicking me and stepping on me. After a few moments, I don't know exactly what happens in detail. *tw end* Being beaten up is torture but it happens fast sometimes, even faster when I pass out. And I do pass out. I'm not sure if it's because I hit my head or because of the lack of oxygen but I wake up to an empty and dark living room gasping for air. And even though my body hurts like I'm being eaten by a lion very slowly, I feel relieved I fainted and didn't have to endure all of it.

I don't manage to get up at first, I have to try many times, my ribs and my chest hurt too much when I try. I feel like a bone stabbed my lungs. So for a while I just lie on the floor curled up and crying my eyes out. What did I do to deserve this? Is being gay that bad? Does being gay mean having a miserable life? Because if it does, then I don't want it. I don't want this life. I don't want any life. I am tired of living like this. I'm tired. In these moments I think that I am better off dead, I don't think of Hyunwoo or any other pleasure in the world, I just think of how it'd be better if I didn't exist.