Take Me To Church (Unholy)

Solution (Kihyun)

    Love. I’ve always known the concept of it but never knew what it truly felt like, to truly love someone and to be truly loved by someone. The only love I've had in my life was the love I felt for my family but I never got any love back. I’ve always given love, always craved for love, but never got it, my whole life has always been filled with suffering, that was all I knew, all I understood. But Son Hyunwoo showed me what love truly meant. He became my safe place, he made me consider the idea of trusting him, he made me want to trust him, made me want to give myself to him. He took me in, he took care of me like no one ever did, he gave me everything I've ever wanted, everything I've ever desired, he gave me love, he cared for me. A lot of my dreams came true because of him, the dream of being loved, of being wanted, of being cared for.
    But that didn't mean life was easy. A part of my life was still painful because of what my father had done to me, because of the injuries he inflicted and the emotional pain as well, but no matter how much he hurt me, even if life wasn't easy, it was easier, I felt safe, I was safe with Hyunwoo, at his apartment, at his side, I had so many happy moments, more than I've ever had before. At that time, even though there were tough moments, the good parts made those become the best times of my life.
    Hyunwoo helped me change, encouraged and supported me. He insisted I got psychiatric and psychological treatment and accepting that help was a good choice. It helped a great deal. I was so thankful Hyunwoo convinced me to get those treatments, they made me get to know myself better, helped me deal with my emotional health, deal with my traumas slowly, I loved having a space to talk freely because it was something I never had before and I had no idea how much I liked talking about myself. I felt like talking through things was like throwing up, I was getting rid of things that made me sick. I felt better everyday.
    But it wasn't just treatment and Hyunwoo that helped, I was the change, I changed because I was willing to, because I wanted to and I worked hard to. I went to therapy twice a week, I studied hard, I avoided doing the things I used to do that made me emotionally and physically exhausted, I spent time doing things I liked and with people I liked.
    After what happened with my dad, after he hurt me so badly, after I got so depressed, after I had to deal with such painful injuries, I was done with the painful life I had going on for so long, I wanted things to be different. I wanted to change, to be brave, independent, determined, fearless, tough, to have attitude, I didn't want to be afraid of my father anymore. I wanted to face him. And I also wanted to work on me, on changing, I couldn't do that being in such a safe place like Hyunwoo's apartment, being under his wing, protected, stuck there at all times, even though I loved it, I had to get out of that comfort zone if I wanted to change, if I wanted to face my problems, so I did.
    But when I left, it was weird. I didn't really face any problems at home like I expected I would. My family barely spoke to me and they were kinda nice in their own weird and cold way. I still managed to work on myself in other areas, not being with Hyunwoo every second was good to help me do that. I ended up spending less and less time with him because I wanted to do more of that, work on me, figure out who I am, focus on therapy, work on my social skills outside of my safe zone, talk to strangers on the phone, face up to people when I was faced with struggles in strange places, say no to people I cared about or people who liked me, put myself first, be kind to myself, do nice things for me, I slowly felt like I was becoming a different person, well, I felt that when things worked out well. But when they didn't… well, I wasn't a completely different person. I kept some bad habits, I still studied hard, I still… well… I am not perfect as I made it sound.
    Things weren't perfect. I keep trying to think positive, you know? There were certain things I try to fake until I make it, I pretended I wasn't insecure about losing people, I pretended I didn't feel alone all the time, I pretended I wasn't afraid Hyunwoo would forget about me if we didn't spend more time together, pretended I didn't feel hurt I didn't have my family's love and attention and that they ignored me most of the time, pretended I was enough to make myself happy, I tried hard to fake until I made it, working on myself is really fucking hard.
    One thing that made me happy was that I completely distanced myself from God and that made my life so much easier. Even though there's that voice in the back of my head that tries to say who I am is wrong, I like to believe I've accepted my sexuality. I kinda like myself most of the time, I don't feel bad for desiring men, for wanting to do things the Bible goes against, especially jerking off, I do it way too often and I don't feel bad it at all, also I don't feel bad about thinking of Hyunwoo while doing it since I know now he feels the same way about me, that he's in love with me. Speaking of which…
    I think that knowing that Hyunwoo felt the same way about me was something that powered me to change, that gave me courage. Because I was always my true self around him, who I wanted to be at all times, who I wanted to change into completely, I felt like I could be that person at all times. If he liked that version of me then I could become that person completely, my true self. He'd love me still. And knowing he loved me made me feel complete, even though I was insecure about it sometimes, even though I doubted his love constantly, I mostly believed him because as I changed, I slowly started to accept his love and believe him, to let myself trust him.
    When Hyunwoo and I started hanging out again after I was close to graduating from high school I felt like I truly started having the best time of my life. We have precious moments I enjoy and appreciate every single moment of because I know I'll never be able to recreate them, because he will be the only one to give me the things he gives me. Everything is perfect, it's unbelievable. I try to ignore that voice inside my head saying things will go wrong, that part of me that's ready for the moment everything gets fucked up. I enjoy our moments together.
    The voice starts to prove itself right when I ask him to date him and he ignores me. And even though he gives me the best orgasm of my life, I still feel awful after. I start over thinking. I get scared, I feel uneasy.
    He said he loved me. We had sex, almost all the way. We shared intimate moments, intimate secrets, and we know everything about each other. Why would he ignore my question? I thought, like me, he had let go of the nonsense that God will hate us if we date. How can he think that after we've felt so happy together? Or was I the only one who felt this happy? Was it all one sided?
    A few days later, when I'm eating dinner alone like I do most nights, my family rarely joins me for dinner. I always tensed up whenever they sat next to me but these days I just smile at them and I am always so proud of myself because I can see how much it annoys my dad to see that I am not a scared little boy anymore.
    With my mouth full of food I mumble “Evening.”
    When they sit down, they don’t put food on their plates to eat, they just keep staring at me. They stare for a long time, it’s actually funny. I look at them, frowning and smirking. “Is there… a problem?”
    “Are you and Hyunwoo still friends?” My brother asks.
    “Well, he was here two days ago.” I reply, smirking. We haven’t texted since then and he ignored my dating proposal but it’s not like that means we aren’t friends or that whatever we were is over, right? “So… yeah. He’s my friend.”
    “Are you two… still close?” My mother asks. “Very close?”
    “Is there something going on?” I ask, frowning hard, my heart suddenly skips a beat. “Is he okay? Is he hurt?”
    “He’s not.” My father answers right away. “We want to know if he still has the video. Since you two aren’t as close anymore.”
    “What? We are close. And what video?”
    The eldest male sighs deeply. “Don’t play dumb, kid.”
    “Play dumb?” I retort, puzzled. “Is this about a church event? Was he supposed to edit a video? Because Jooheonie--”
    “I told you, he doesn’t know.” Mother says, looking at father.
    “Know about what?” I ask.
    Father sighs deeply. “It doesn’t matter.” He says. “I just need to know if you two are still close. As close as you two were… last summer.”
    “We… uh… why? Why are you asking?”
    “Wait… maybe he doesn’t know.” My brother says.
    “Yeah. I am very confused right now. What video are you talking about?”
    “Forget about the video.” My mother says.
    “Are you aware Son Hyunwoo is dating Choi Sanha?” I lose my breath for a second and freeze, then my mind goes blank and I just sit here, staring at them and they keep staring at me, waiting for a response.
    “He didn’t know.” My brother whispers.
    “We should talk to Hyunwoo.” My mother whispers, standing up then they all stand up. “Maybe now that he’s dating her, the…” As they all walk away, her voice fades away and I just sit there, staring blankly ahead.
    I can feel tears on my cheeks but I don’t dare blink, I can feel my lungs begging for air but I find it hard to breathe. I let out a quiet sob then choke on air and start coughing which makes me cry even harder and makes it harder to breathe and it all turns into a panic attack. And there’s no one there to help, not like since the last time I had one of these when Hyunwoo held me and told me I’d be okay.
    My mind goes blank, I don’t know how long it lasts, all I know is that I can’t breath, my chest hurts, my back hurts, my throat hurts, I keep coughing and sobbing. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder and a bottle of medicine is placed in front of me. A hand holding a pill goes straight to my mouth and shoves it inside, right under my tongue, and the medicine dissolves quickly.
    When I catch my breath and feel like I’m regaining consciousness, I manage to look up and see who was the person who helped me. I expected it’d be Hyunwoo, since he’s the one who always helps me, but surprisingly, it’s my mother. “Are you okay?” She has never asked me this before. She doesn’t look concerned, though. There are no emotions in her eyes, she looks like a robot or just a nurse doing her job, a nurse who hates her job.
    “Why…” I gulp. “Why did you help me?”
    “I have to.” She says, turns around then leaves. She has to? Because she’s my mother? She has never helped me before, though. What am I missing here?
    I go up the stairs, straight to bed, take three sleeping pills and fall asleep in a matter of minutes. I'm too stressed to think about what just happened with my family. I also don’t want to think about Hyunwoo, I don’t want to think about his possible betrayal, I don’t want to be in pain. Because being in pain after being happy hurts way more than being in constant pain.
    The second when I wake up, whenI am still groggy and don’t think of anything, when I don’t remember Hyunwoo might be dating someone else, it’s a great moment, but the next second, I regret being awake. I text my therapist and ask for an extra session this week. I explain what happened very briefly and she schedules it for the next day.
    I was so stupid. I can’t believe I was actually close to trusting him, to giving myself to him. And maybe I already trust him, maybe I'm already completely his, but don’t want to admit it, maybe I already have because it hurts so fucking much. As soon as I put my phone down after texting my therapist I start crying and I sit on my bed crying for a long time, but not for too long. I start thinking of the possibilities. Of the alternatives. Why do I have to be so negative? Why the fuck should I believe my parents? Maybe they’re lying to separate Hyunwoo and I. I mean, why would he do this to me after taking care of me for months? After he showed me so much love? After he made me feel so loved? It makes no sense? Did I do something wrong?