Take Me To Church (Unholy)

Together (Hyunwoo)

A/N: Hello, angels. I'm back. Sorry I took so long, I hope some of you will keep reading. Thanks for the comments and likes! Sorry if there are some parts that don't make sense, I didn't write for a while and I might have lost my trail of thought but I did my best. The pace will change from now on, things will move faster. This is a prequel to that one joohyuk au on twitter but I decided to change some stuff. Also the Sanha character is NOT a villain, she's just religious and think she's helping, don't hate on her. Oh, and… Beware of sexy stuff in this chapter 😏
The next few months are very busy, filled with new experiences, good and bad. I have never been so busy or done so much at once in my entire life. After everything that happened I take complete responsibility of taking care of Kihyun, he stays at my studio apartment under my care. Taking care of an injured person is tough, it is exhausting, but I do my best to help him. Kihyun can barely move, his leg cast can't touch the ground so he needs crutches to walk, Kihyun’s arm cast goes almost all the way up to his armpits so he can't wear crutches and he also can't use a wheelchair by himself. There isn't much he can do on his own so I'm there for everything he needs. I'm happy to help him with anything he needs. With school, with moving around, with eating, preparing meals, showering and especially making sure he follows the doctor's orders.
Kihyun’s doctor advises him to stay home, avoid stress, rest and take his medications, she tells him to study from home and gives him a note to let the school know he is injured and can't go to class. I take responsibility and take care of all of Kihyun's school matters, it's not like we can count on his family. I pretend I'm his older brother and go to the school to talk to his principal about the issue, to let him know Kihyun won't be going to school for a while and that he needs special treatment to study from home. I assure the principal I'll help Kihyun with everything regarding school.
Everyone at school loves Kihyun, including the staff, especially because of his amazing grades, so they do their best to help Kihyun. Assignments are received by email and his class group chat, he gets all updates from his classmates and teachers through text, and sends all school work to his teachers through email. I also stop by his school now and then to grab exams and tests that can't be sent electronically. I help him with homework, typing on his computer, and even tutor him when he struggles with school work. Kihyun studies most of the time. He barely leaves the bed or does anything but studying.
And there are certain things Kihyun doesn't need my help doing but I help anyway. I don't help him because he needs it but because I worry he might hurt himself, and because I want to take care of him, I like taking care of him.
Besides Kihyun I have university and church. I have to make sure I attend all classes, hand in my assignments on time, work on my thesis, attend every single church event, go to youth group meetings and manage to always get home at a decent time. I get worried when I leave Kihyun home alone for too long so I make sure I don't spend too much time away.
It's a lot of work but when I get home, lie in bed by Kihyun’s side, look at his beautiful face, his beautiful smile, I feel fulfilled, happy, whole, it makes all the hard work and exhaustion worth it.
Kihyun and I spend a lot of time together and I love every single second of it, even when we argue, even when things get stressful, I love it all. I love Kihyun and I love getting to know him. And I get to know the bad parts of him too.
After Kihyun gets comfortable around me, he starts acting like his true self, more than ever before.I thought I knew him pretty well, I thought I knew everything about him, but I find out there is a lot I don't know. Kihyun shows me so many new sides of him, sides I've never seen, which makes me so happy because it means he trusts me enough to be himself.
I truly get to know him and I love everything I learn about him. I love all of it, I love him, more and more and more everyday, I love that around me, he doesn't act like he does around everyone else, he doesn't act too polite, doesn't apologize for everything, he isn't nice all the time, he doesn't overthink his every move, he acts natural, he shows good sides and bad sides, he acts cute and sweet but also speaks his mind, he becomes transparent, I can tell what he's feeling so easily, it's like he slowly lets down all his walls, he's more relaxed and he seems so relieved. He doesn't pretend, he doesn't wear a mask anymore.
As he lets down his walls, I let mine down as well, I let them down completely, and let him get to know all the parts of me. I feel like every time I get home I take a mask off, a mask I feel I have to wear to survive, to be accept and loved, but not with him, with him I can be me, I trust him more and more every day, love him more and more everyday, i feel like I give myself to him completely and when it feels like there's nothing else of me to give him, I find out there is and I'm not afraid to.
Kihyun tells me he's happy, that this is the first time he can truly be himself and feels safe. I tell him I feel the same. But it's not all rainbows and butterflies. We have bad moments too, we also really get to know the bad parts of each other. We spend so much time together, it's impossible to hide our bad sides.
Kihyun gets stressed from spending too much time at home so he gets annoyed and sad often and I do my best to help but I'm only human so we end up arguing often. We never get mad at each other for too long, though, one of us always gives in and apologizes.
Something I learn about Kihyun is that he's… proud. Like really, really proud. When I talked about the things I did for him, it sounded quite hard to do all that, right? Well, it’s harder than it seems because Kihyun refuses to accept help often, to admit he needs it. He is the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. He's so used to doing things on his own he struggles with being so loved and cared for, he's not used to it. It's all foreign to him, sometimes I think he doesn't believe I love him. We get into many fights because of these things.
Since Kihyun's family has always expected perfection from him and he is so used to doing things himself, he has become a perfectionist. He micromanages everything, he is snappy, he's controlling, and he likes pointing out flaws. When things don't go his way he gets annoyed and he also gets angry easily which I didn't expect. Certain things are only perfect when he does them, like housework, organizing things, school work, and studying. He complains about the mess in the apartment even when it's not that messy, he complains about the way I do the dishes or clean up the apartment. Also, he gets way too angry when I misplace things and our movie preferences are way too different.
Sometimes when I try to give him the right answers to his homework or to fix a mistake, he gets mad and tells me he will never learn if I keep trying to do his homework for him.  He's annoying as hell. But he’s also so fucking perfect. I love getting to know his bad side as well as his good side. He’s sweet, cute, kind, funny, smart and he… he might yell at me sometimes and get annoyed by me but he fucking adores me, he's just as obsessed with me as I'm with him, he loves kissing my ass, he loves everything I do, even if it’s weird or not impressive at all, he just loves me so much and it’s so clear. And I love him so much, I hope it’s clear to him too. I love every single part of him and I want to fight over silly things like which movie to pick or how boring the video games he likes are for a long time. No matter what we are doing together, he makes me feel less stressful, he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel like me, he keeps me grounded and happy.
When Kihyun eats ice cream he scrunches his nose and closes his eyes. He always licks his lips after smiling, always. He sucks his teeth too often. He picked up a habit of picking on his thumbnail with his index finger on the same hand especially while studying. Kihyun cooks well but he has only mastered three dishes, he needs to follow recipes for anything else. Kihyun says I suck at cutting up vegetables. Kihyun really loves pizza and ice cream. Kihyun really appreciates American culture. Kihyun isn't as conservative as I thought he was. Kihyun likes league of legends a lot. Kihyun likes a lot of video games and I don't know the name of most of them. Kihyun is perfect.
But as perfect as things are, there's that one thing that is always in the back of my mind, that worries me like crazy. That thing I think about so often, that thing that sometimes makes me feel uneasy when I'm lying by Kihyun's side in silence, looking at his beautiful smile, that thing that might steal away that smile. The situation with Kihyun's father. Throughout all these months I spend with Kihyun I worry Kihyun will find out about what I did and leave me. I worry his father will show up and kill us. I worry he will hurt Kihyun, I worry he will try to take Kihyun away from me, call the police on me and make it seem like I'm the bad guy. I worry about Kihyun. Sometimes I worry he will disappear. But I can't talk about it, I have to keep it to myself because I can't stress Kihyun out and compromise his health, I just want him to be okay.
I start worrying even more when, after some months, when Kihyun starts acting differently. Things start getting harder very quickly. Kihyun doesn't study as much, doesn't focus on homework, he fails an exam for the first time in his life, he sleeps most of the time and barely eats. I ask what is wrong, he doesn't tell me. He acts less carefree, doesn't speak as much and suddenly I can't tell what he's feeling anymore. It makes me wonder if his father has done something, if his father told him what I did, if his father threatened him, I am scared of leaving him alone at the apartment, I get so worried my stress levels go all the way up and it’s hard to function, it is harder to do all the things I became used to. But I manage, I have to.
Things start getting so bad it gets to a point Kihyun stops living, he stops doing everything, he doesn't even play video games, I can't get him to do anything no matter how hard I try, I can barely get him to eat, he loses weight, he looks pale and so depressed. I even start doing his school assignments for him because he doesn't do that either and I can't let him fail. I feel like he is lying in that bed but isn't there.
Everytime I ask Kihyun what is wrong he gets annoyed, he hides under the blankets and ignores me, he doesn't talk to me, he barely even looks at me, the only times he does are the few times I manage to get him to eat or clean him up, and when we go to bed. I don't know what to do about that situation and I have no one to ask for help, I have no one to talk to about this. Kihyun doesn't want anyone to know about all this. So I talk to someone he isn't close to, someone who isn't in his life, to someone who is no one to him.
I knew I could tell his doctor about what is happening because of confidentiality but I don't tell her everything that happened, just that Kihyun has been hurt a lot in the past. But I tell her mostly everything that happened without breaking my promise to Kihyun.
After giving the doctor all the important information about Kihyun, she tells me that there is a chance Kihyun is suffering from PTSD and depression and that I should find a psychiatrist and a therapist. She recommends several different professionals to go to and tells me I’d have to try my hardest to convince Kihyun to go see a doctor.
When I tell Kihyun about it all, he and I have a huge fight over it. He is upset I went behind his back and is very offended, he says I am trying to lock him up in a facility, that I think he is crazy, that I want to get rid of him and that I hate him because he’s gay which makes no sense at all. He talks so much nonsense, he cries and throws things and I end up doing the same, trying to get some sense into his head. We both yell things that we don't mean, things that make no sense, curse at each other, and cry like children. “You’re a fucking hypocrite!” I yell. “How the fuck do you want to be a psychologist when you refuse to take care of mental health?! Of yourself?!”
“Don’t call me a hypocrite!” He yells and pushes me with his good hand, very weakly, against the wall screaming right at my face.
Kihyun has a sharp and vicious tongue, he can be really mean when he wants to and he wants to, he is the meanest I have ever seen in this argument. I can say for certain that after everything, after we’ve spent so much time together and shared so much, he knows me better than anyone. He knows what to say to hurt me and he does, he says things that touch all of my sore spots and it is fucking hurtful. I give up arguing and sleep on the floor very far from the bed, I don't want to be near him.
We all know I’m a sucker for Kihyun but he’s also a sucker for me. I wake up to him holding me the next morning and kissing my ear and my cheeks, whispering sweet things in my ear. He apologizes as soon as I open my eyes, acting so cute and so sweet. “Don’t be mad at Hyunie.Kihyunie loves Hyunie hyungie so much.” Kihyun rarely ever says he loves me so that means a lot to me. He tells me he didn’t mean the things he said, that he was just upset.
He looks so sad, so regretful and ashamed, it makes me wanna kiss him to assure him I'm not upset anymore, that everything is okay but I don't kiss him, I just look at him, stroking his hair, and tell him everything is okay. Since he's finally talking to me again, like he hasn't in a while, I take the chance to express all my feelings.
I tell him I was just trying to help, “I’m really worried about you, baby”, that it really hurts to see him so depressed, that I just want him to feel okay. I tell him explicitly that seeing him in pain hurts more than anything in the world and that everything I do is to make sure he is okay. I tell him he is perfect, that everything about him is perfect, but that there are some things that are perfectly imperfect that might have been making him feel unwell.
I tell him I know he isn't used to everything we have, that he isn't used to all the attention and love I give him or to being offered help, that I know he isn't used to hearing someone tell him they love him, but that he has to get used to it all because that is all I have planned to offer him, that he doesn't have to reject my help or my love just because he isn't used to it, that he has to get used to it.
He just smiles and nods then hugs me and kisses my cheeks and we lie down cuddling for hours. After that he still stays in bed most of the time but he showers more often and plays video games sometimes and does homework, even though he doesn't study as hard. He still refuses to get mental health treatment but at least he doesn't seem as sad anymore. But then the end of the semester comes and he gets his report card. He barely passes in most subjects, he is devastated. I tried my best to help with school work but it wasn’t enough.
He cries in my arms for a long time over his grades. He has never gotten bad grades before, not as bad as this, so it is a big deal to him, he is devastated. He tells me I was right, that if he got bad grades it means something really is wrong with him. He agrees to go see a psychiatrist.
We set up an appointment with a psychiatrist the same day we go to the hospital to get his cast off. We are actually over a month late to take his foot cast off and three weeks late to take the arm cast off because of what Kihyun was going through with his mental health, he didn’t want to get out of bed because he was so depressed, so we didn't go to the hospital for his check up until now. I worry he might have harmed his treatment but after some tests, the doctor tells him he's okay but that he’ll need more physical therapy sessions than we originally planned because he had the cast on for too long.
Kihyun can't walk properly after taking out the cast so he is insecure about going to see the psychiatrist like that, afraid he won't give them a good impression. Something Kihyun got from his father is that he worries too much about appearances, it’s harmful to him sometimes which is what I tell him and he gets sulky but not for long, a kiss on the cheek solves it.
All these months we barely talked about his family, I avoided the subject so he wouldn't get too stressed. He also didn’t seem to want to talk about it since he never brought it up but I hope he will talk about these bad things he hasn't in so long with the doctor.
When we are on our way to the psychiatrist I tell him to tell the doctor as many things as he can, I tell him how he can tell them things without explicitly saying it, and how he can say them, in case he fears telling the whole truth.
As much as I’d love to get in that doctor’s office with Kihyun and tell the whole truth to the doctor, I can't. This is my limit, something I can't meddle with, his private affair. I guess I spent so much time taking care of Kihyun I got used to it, I got used to doing everything for him and being a part of everything in his life. When he gets inside that doctor’s office without me, I get worried and anxious.
Kihyun spends hours in that office and the entire time they are in there I stay put, sitting in front of that door, waiting. Kihyun looks better when he comes out of that office than when he did when he went in or than he has in a while. The doctor comes to talk to me. Kihyun told her that I am his brother who takes good care of him. By the way she smiles at me, I can see there is a double meaning in that, especially because the doctor starts telling me to be myself and telling us to take care of each other. The doctor is very nice and Kihyun seems comfortable with her.
She prescribes some medicine to Kihyun, telling him to let her know how he feels with the medicine by text so she can interrupt or change the medication if needed. She is so kind and helpful, I can't believe we found such a great doctor so quickly.
After we leave the hospital he seems much more relaxed and happy. He asks me to take him to the ice cream store so we can buy an ice cream cake to celebrate. He is more excited than I have ever seen him before. He is acting cute and sweet and loving, complimenting me and telling me how great I am. I am the happiest to see him happy again.
Things get easier after that. Kihyun isn't completely healed from depression or his two injured limbs get better right away. He still has trouble walking and using his hand for a while and he isn't very proactive at first. So he has to keep taking anti inflammatory and pain pills for his arm and leg, and to start taking his psychotropic pills for his mind to get better. He also has to go to physical therapy three times a week and psychotherapy once a week. Things get better slowly, but they get better.
I knew that after his mental health got really bad, he cried a lot, but he always did his best to hide it and rarely let me comfort him. But one day when he just randomly starts crying after we get home from therapy, he lets me comfort him, and I am so proud of him for letting me and for telling me his worries, sharing how things went in therapy, sharing everything. It's a bittersweet moment because I am worried and sad he is crying so much but I am happy, happy that he trusts me again to comfort him like I did before.
It was all really fucking rough and painful patch but we got through it together, and we got closer because of it, I feel like we become one after it all. I don't ever want to let him go, which is something that worries me. I know he’ll eventually leave, especially after he goes back to church for the first time after his injuries.
When we get there, he waves at his family when he sees them, he waves at his father, smiling. It is so fucked up. I want to yell at him and remind him of all the fucked up shit they did to him. His father looks angry when he sees Kihyun but when he notices I am looking, he looks away immediately like he didn’t even see the youngest waving. I ask Kihyun why he waved at his father and he says he is just being polite, that he doesn't want to get in trouble later on. I was relieved that was all.
Everyone at church is very happy and excited to see Kihyun again after so long, they even have a welcome back surprise party for him, planned by Jooheon, of course. Jooheon won't leave Kihyun’s side, he keeps inviting Kihyun to go everywhere and do everything. It's sweet but I won’t lie, even though I'm glad to see Kihyun looking so happy to be around people again, I am jealous.
I get jealous of everyone that gets close to Kihyun, actually. I got used to having him all to myself. I get a bit uncomfortable being with him around so many people, to see people touching him, to see him smile at other people. I guess after everything we went through, I got a bit possessive over him. But I don't show it or try to stop him from doing anything, it's just something I feel. I always stand by his side and wish he’d only be with me, only smile at me and only talk to me. Is it creepy? It is, right? But I do my best to act rationally.
I expected things to be chill during summer vacation, I hoped Kihyun and I would have a lot of free time together and go to many different places together. And we do at first. As soon as Kihyun feels better we start going out, we go everywhere together, to every single place Kihyun wanted to go when he was sick, amusement parks, new restaurants, arcades, and many other different places, to many unofficial dates. And we have a lot of fun, more than we ever had together. But that lasts less than three weeks.
When we start getting into church work again I realize Kihyun was right about no one doing things like he does. While Kihyun was sick I wasn’t around at church as much as I used to, even though I did a lot, it wasn't as much as I usually did with Kihyun, I left many things for other people to do. But when we get back, everything is a mess and I didn't even realize it before since I got so preoccupied with Kihyun after his depressive episode. Everything is unorganized and out of place, every document, all the planning and bills, there are unpaid bills, cancelled projects and worst of all the youth retreat we planned was announced and a date was set but nothing was planned, nothing at all, there was no venue, no bus, nothing. Kihyun gets so mad, especially when we realize we have to cancel the retreat. So we start spending most of our days at church taking care of things no one else did when we were away. No more unofficial dates.
Kihyun and I are always home at night, though, spending time together, having fast food, watching movies, and playing games. It’s funny how it feels like we actually live together. Sometimes I forget he will leave eventually. I don't want him to, I want him to stay with me, forever. Thinking of being alone in this bed, of leaving home alone in the morning, of having nobody to yell at me about the dishes not being done properly, it devastates me. But I had to accept he'd leave eventually.
One day, we get home, shower, eat fried chicken then go to bed. Kihyun grabs his tablet to play games and I just lie there with my head on his lap, staring at him. I want his attention but I also want to just look at him, I like looking at him. Eventually he notices I'm staring, he puts his tablet away and looks at me, into my eyes, with that beautiful smile that drives me mad.
“Hello.” He whispers, putting a hand on my head and stroking my hair.
“Hi.” I whisper, smiling.
“Watcha looking at?” He whispers then leans down slowly to kiss the bridge of my nose.
I pinch his cheek and smile at him. “You're handsome.” I whisper. Kihyun really loves it when I call him handsome.
He smiles big and bright then gives me a kiss on the forehead, and nuzzles my nose. “I won’t do your laundry.”
I sigh dramatically then pout. “That wasn’t why I said that...”
“Still, I won’t do your laundry.”
“They always smell better when you do it, though…”
“Hyung…”
“I’ll do it, don’t worry.”
He smiles, ruffling my hair. “Good boy.”
I scoff. “Good boy?
“Are you a bad boy?” He asks and I shake my head. “Then you’re a good boy.”
I chuckle. “You’re so silly, you know?”
“Are you complaining?” He sighs, pouting. “You said you liked me…” He whines playfully.
I poke his stomach hard and he groans dramatically, I chuckle, taking his hand. “I don’t just like you, I love you. Did you forget?” He smiles gently and shakes his head. “Don’t forget it, okay?”
“I won’t.” He whispers. “Thank you for taking care of me.”
I nod, smiling. “I like taking care of you… I want you to let me take care of you for a long time.”
He laughs silently then nods. “Let me take care of you for a long time too~”
Right now, we get to one of those moments where I look at him and he looks at me and it feels so special, one of those moments that feel so right to kiss his lips, to touch him.
We haven't kissed on the lips, had sex or done anything sexual since he's been staying with me, things were too hectic, there was rarely time to think about that. All we did was cuddle and kiss each other on the cheek, forehead or nose, our hands never went anywhere dangerous, we kept things innocent.
During that time, it felt wrong to think about anything sexual, to think about being with him like that, because he was in such a vulnerable place, he was sick and vulnerable. But now things are better and I want to kiss him, badly, but I am too much of a coward to do it, to kiss him, I am afraid of going overboard, I know how I get when it comes to sex and I don’t want to corrupt him or corrupt myself even more.
He lies down by my side, draping an arm and a leg over me and burying his face on my neck. “I really enjoyed the time I spent here.” He whispers. “It was the happiest I’ve been in my life.”
It’s here, the moment I feared would come. “If that’s true, why are you talking like you’re leaving?” He raises his head and looks me in the eye, pursing his lips and sighing.
“I can’t just move in, hyung, I--”
“Why not?” I ask. “Isn’t it better? Just you and me here?”
“Well, I… I’m better now. I think I should go home.” He whispers. "Things can't get any worse than they did with my family and I… I have you to count on now and I'm… I’m not even nineteen yet, I’m too young to just move in with someone. I’m not… I’m not ready. It’s… it’s a lot, I’m not ready.”
“You'll be nineteen soon and… Are you trying to push me away?” I ask gently.
“No, I…”
“Remember when you told me that you don’t know how to have nice things, that you’re self destructive?” He keeps staring at me in silence like he was caught doing something wrong. “Is this it?”
“I…” He lowers his head then sighs. “I don’t know, hyung. I’m… I’m just scared--”
“You’re scared? Of what? Of me? More than you’re scared of your insane family?”
“I don't know. I just…”
“I don’t get it.” I sigh. “I don’t get how you… why you’d go back, why--”
“I'm confused, hyung. I'm really fucking confused. My mind is battling itself. I thought that therapy would help with that but as much as it has helped me, every time I solve a problem in my mind another one appears.”
“You don't have to go home to solve that." I whisper.
He sighs. "I'll give it one more shot."
"What do you mean?"
"I want to give it one more shot. Give them one more chance."
"Kihyun, why would you think things would be different now?"
He looks down and sighs then looks at me again and takes a deep breath. "I want to prove to him that I'm not weak." He whispers. "I want to show him that he can't beat me. He can't win."
"You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You should stay here where it's safe."
"It's the last time." He says. "If he tries something then I'll leave and never see them again."
"You'll risk your safety to prove you're strong? Why do you have to be so proud? So—"
"Hyung—"
"No, Kihyun. You're not safe there. You’re safe here. You should stay. You’re going to SNU right? You study hard, you'll get in for sure. This apartment is way closer to campus than your house. You should stay here.”
“I-I can’t. I want to—"
“Is proving something to your psychotic family better than being here with your boyfriend?” Boyfriend? Where did that come from? I'm not his boyfriend. I'm not. Definitely not.
He looks at me wide eyed. “Huh?”
“With me. With… Look, I’m asking you to stay here. Stay until… until you find a job and you can get your own place. Or we can be roommates in a bigger apartment if you want.”
“Hyung, I…”
“Kihyunie...” I whisper.
“I told you I won't stay. I know what I'm doing so can’t you just respect my decision?”
I sigh deeply. “Have you talked to your therapist about this? What did she say?”
“She… I didn’t tell her about this, I can’t… I can’t tell her. She will tell the police.”
“She can't tell anyone. There's confidentiality--”
“Not if I’m in danger, she doesn’t have to keep my secrets if it puts me in danger.”
“So you admit you’re in danger at that house?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
“Just trust me, it’s different now, okay? I've changed. In these past few months with you I've changed so much. I'm braver, I'm smarter, I'm stronger, I-I'm bolder, I… I've learned so much from you, hyung and from life. All this… it changed me. I learned how to speak my mind, how to be stronger, I learned so much. And I will keep learning. And maybe… I don't know, when it comes to this, maybe I don't know what I'm doing, okay? I'll be honest, it's confusing. I'm not even sure about this but I think I should go. I'm not just going to forget about my family, I want to at least try to make things better for the last time. The last time.” He grabs my hand and gives me a gentle smile that makes my heart melt. This hurts so fucking much, it hurts more than I expected it would. Have I not given him enough? Am I not enough?
"Thank you for taking care of me." He says. "I hope I can take care of you like you did to me. To give you what you gave me and I…" I don't notice I am crying until he gets closer, sits on my lap and starts wiping my tears. “I’ll come to you if I need you.” He whispers. “I’ll keep my promise.” He kisses my nose gently then presses his forehead against mine. “I’ll be alright.”
“I’m not okay with this.” I whispered. “What if he--”
“I’ll run to you.” He whispers. “After all we've been through, you think I wouldn't? I trust you. Before I met you, I never had a reason to run, hyung. I had no one to run to, I was always scared. I was never brave enough to run but I am now. I'm different. You've changed my life. You have no fucking idea how…” He trails off, smiling. “I have you now, right? So I don't have to worry. "
It takes me a second to reply. I’m emotional about this, I want to find a way to talk some sense into him, I want to hold him down and make him stay. But I can’t make choices for him, I can’t protect him if he doesn’t want me to. "If he tries anything you run, you scream, you do anything. If you have to, you hurt him back. You're bigger than him, stronger than him, you—"
"I'll handle it." I whisper. "And I'll come back if I feel like I have to, okay?"
I take a second to look at him then taking a deep breath I wrap my arms around him and pull him close, hugging him tightly like I’m attempting to make him stay. “You have me." I speak quietly. I don't want him to notice my voice is shaky because I'm crying. "Call and text me everyday.” I whispered. “Don’t forget me.”
He nods. “I won’t.” He whispers. “We’ll still see each other everyday. I’ll still tell you every single thing about my life, it’ll be like before.”
“It won’t.” I say then break the hug to look into his eyes. “Now I know you… now I know how we both feel, I... I’ll… I’ll miss you."
    I get him off my lap, sighing, then lie on my side, facing away from him and closing my eyes. He lies down behind me, draping a leg over me and an arm over my waist. He kisses the back of my neck and whines cutely. "You're mad?" He whispers. I sigh deeply, ignoring him. "Don't be mad." He kisses my ear then whispers in it "Don't be mad."
    "How can I not be mad?" I whisper. "Have I not done enough? Am I… am I not enough, am I—"
    "It's not about you." He says gently then cups my chin to tilt my face up so we are face to face. "You're perfect. You have no idea how thankful I am for everything you've done. You were the one to show me what love is, hyung. Not my family, not my friends, not anyone I've met, not even Jesus, you did. You showed me what true love is."
    "Then stay." I whisper, wiping a single tear that slides down the side of my eye. I turn over, drape an arm over his waist, look right into his eyes, my eyes teary, it's hard to hold back the tears, I don't want him to see me cry. "Stay with me, please." I whisper, grabbing a handful of his shirt, lowering my head, not being able to hold back the tears.
    "Hyung." He whispers, running his fingers through my hair. Everytime he runs his fingers through my hair or touches me in different ways my body reacts, I get goosebumps, my stomach flips, my heart flutters, but right now, I feel nothing but sadness. "Please, try to understand." I shake my head, sniffing, wiping my tears. "Don't cry." I keep shaking my head, I gulp and sigh, I don't know what to say. "Hyung, look at me."
    I raise my head immediately and look right at him with my teary eyes, shaking my head, but I don't say anything.
    "Don't be sad." He says. "I'll still be with you all the time, okay?" I still don't say anything. "Don't be mad."
    I cup his cheek, clicking my tongue, and take a deep breath. "I'm not mad." I whisper, gently stroking his cheek. "Not at you."
    "It's my choice to leave. Who else would you be mad at?"
    "I don't want you to leave." I tell him. "I know I can't stop you if you want to leave but I don't want you to. I'm not mad at you for leaving, you're not to blame for anything. I'm mad at your family. I wish they were kind to you."
    "You're kind to me." He gives me a gentle smile, takes my hand, rubs the back of my hand so gently, he lowers his head to look at our hands, sighs, then looks at me again, he looks worried and unsure. "You give me everything I need. I don't need anything from anyone else, hyung."
    I sigh deeply. "Promise me again." I tell him. "Promise me you'll text me all the time, promise me you'll let me know if you're okay, promise me you'll keep me updated, promise me you'll ask for help if you need, promise me you'll come to me, promise me you won't give them any more chances if they try to hurt you again, promise me you'll call the police if it happens again. Promise me. If you love me, promise me."
    He takes a deep breath and nods. "Okay." He whispers. "I promise." 
    His promise doesn't comfort me. I feel sad, confused and uneasy. I feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff about to get pushed. I can't stop crying. Even when he holds me tight, I don't feel comforted, even when he assures me everything will be okay, I don't feel at ease. I'm scared.
    Kihyun leaves the next day, I give him a ride to his place and it hurts to watch him walk away, to walk into that house. Looking at that house makes me feel even worse, I don't get how he can go back. He must be really used to trauma. I've never been so worried in my entire life.
    I sit in my car parked in front of Kihyun's house for two hours, in case he needs me, I want to be here, I want to make sure everything is alright. I want to stay here, to watch that door all day. I get a text from Kihyun.
KIHYUN
I can see you parked outside…
You can go.
You said you’d eat lunch with your parents today
They must be waiting
I'm okay.
HYUNWOO
Are you sure?
KIHYUN
Yes.
They didn't even talk to me when they saw me come in.
It's all good.
I'll text you if I need you.
HYUNWOO
Are you going to church later today?
KIHYUN
Yeah.
Pick me up at five?
HYUNWOO
I'll be here at five👍
KIHYUN
🙋❤️
    I hesitate before leaving but I eventually do, crying all the way to my studio apartment. I cancel my plans for lunch with my parents and tell them I feel sick. I do feel sick. I feel anxious, there's a knot in my stomach, breathing is hard.
    Now that I'm by myself, sitting in bed alone, I get time to at least try to think rationally.
    Kihyun's father drove him crazy. Kihyun isn't in his right mind. How can he go back? Prove something? Why the hell does he care? This is sick. I'm sick for letting him continue this nonsense. What am I doing? Am I just a fool who can't go against Kihyun's wishes because my love for him drives me insane? I'm so lost and confused. I'm scared of doing something wrong, scared of making things worse. I'm a coward. What the fuck am I doing? 
I spend a long time in bed, crying, screaming into the pillow and even punching some pillows. Then I cry quietly, holding the pillow Kihyun used when he was here, a pillow that smells like him. I pull myself together and manage to stop crying after over an hour. After that I just sleep, I don't bother eating.
    At four thirty in the afternoon I get ready for church, for youth service, then drive to Kihyun's to pick him up. I don't think I've felt as relieved as I do when I see him walk out his house with that big and bright smile of his. He looks happy.
Kihyun tells his family isn't talking to him much and that things are as they usually are when they're in a good mood. He says that his mother even made dumplings for lunch and didn't even ask for help to prepare it or complained about Kihyun not cooking. That doesn't ease my worries. If his father does keep his part of the deal, how long will it last? I make sure to text his father 'Now that he's back, don't forget our deal.'
    I know things won't be the same as they were before. The past months with him were like a dream, even when he got sick, we got to go through it all together so I was happy even when I wasn't, because he was there with me every night. Now I'll have to worry about his father doing something he shouldn't every single day.
    When I pick him up to take him to school on Monday he tells me his family is acting nice and that he is suspicious but that maybe things might work out this time. I let him believe that's true because he looks so happy. I'm just thankful his father isn't breaking our deal. I make sure to text his father now and then, to remind him about our deal. When I see the elder at church, I make sure the way I look at him reminds him of the position he's under.
    I do see Kihyun everyday as he promised. I take him to school and pick him up. We spend some time together at church but not enough time. He always asks to go home because he has to study for entrance exams. But even though we see each other every day, we don't spend enough time together and we barely spend any time alone. I miss him all the time.
    My bed feels too big, it feels empty and I feel lonely and uncomfortable. At least I have university to keep me very busy, I'm graduating soon so I have to work on my thesis. But even when I'm busy, if Kihyun isn't around, nothing is enough to stop me from thinking too much, thinking about me, about the world, about God. Think about sins, what's right and what's wrong, think about my sexuality, about my religion and dedication to God. Not having Kihyun around often means having to keep my mask on for too long and it's suffocating. I think too much and thinking too much makes me anxious, it makes me question myself and hate myself. I start overthinking the time I spent with Kihyun, feeling bad about being romantically close to Kihyun and at the same time hate that I'm not close to him.
    I worry about Kihyun getting hurt, sometimes I text his father to make sure he is acting right. Kihyun keeps saying he's busy studying so I start worrying his father is forcing him to stay home or hurting him, Kihyun assures me he's okay and his father says he doesn't care about what Kihyun does as long as I keep that video to myself. Then I start wondering if Kihyun really is busy studying or if he's avoiding me because he feels guilty that we shared romantic moments like kissing on the cheek, cuddling and hugging intimately. Part of me feels guilty. I'm thinking too much. I'm paranoid. My thesis sucks. Maybe I should talk to someone. Maybe…
    I've never really had close friends, I've always been the guy who is everyone's friend but doesn't have anyone who's close to. I had girlfriends and we were never that close. Most people think I'm emotionless because I don't express personal feelings when I'm not close to people. I'm nice to everyone but I'm never truly myself, I never really open up so I have no close friends. I've always had my mom and dad, I have always been close to them, so I never felt sad for not having close friends.
But then I met Kihyun and I opened up completely without even noticing and he's the person I've been the closest to and I trust him with my life. And then he spoiled me with so much love and attention, he was by my side every second for months, and now he doesn't have time for me and isn't giving me any attention at all because he has to study. Besides making me worried, it makes me sad and lonely. I feel like a needy child because of how much I miss spending quality time with Kihyun, alone time, cuddling and being close like before. I need distractions, maybe… maybe I need a friend.
    I think Jooheon is the only person I'm kind of close to but mostly because he shares a lot, not because I do. I feel like we've become closer after we found out we are both gay. We text often about many different things, he tells me every single thing about his life even if I don't do the same and send very short texts. He's kind, he's funny, he's cute and sweet and I kinda trust him. I'm thinking that maybe I should get closer to him.
    When I call him asking to hang out he's so excited. Then we start hanging out often and I don't feel as lonely. He treats me like a hero, like a big brother and I grow fond of him. He vents a lot about his feelings for Minhyuk and I give him a lot of advice, advice I don't follow myself. When he isn't able to follow the advice I give him and is really frustrated about it, I end up venting to him about Kihyun to show him he isn't the only one struggling and he isn't a bad Christian because of his struggles, that what matters is that he's fighting. We pray a lot about it all together and it was supposed to help us but it makes things worse for me.
    I start to reflect on how different I am around Kihyun from how I am around other people. Kihyun makes my heart flutter, he makes me feel true happiness, he makes me feel safe and he makes me love myself, he almost destroys the mask I always wear. What Kihyun thinks of me matters the most in the world and knowing how highly he thinks of me makes me feel good about who I am because I'm always myself around him, I can be who I truly am around him. So when he isn't around I don't have the strength to try to be myself, to be free and happy. Kihyun is my medicine, not having him as often as I did before makes it harder for me to want to be myself, it makes me go back to fighting my desires and feelings again. To keep the mask on, to be the person I am around everyone else.
    Around other people I'm who I'm meant to be according to how I grew up, according to what I was taught in church. I try to repress my sexuality and my feelings for Kihyun again. I try to only think about God, what he wants for me and about pleasing people and doing God's work. I try so hard to be who God wants me to be that it hurts. I'm hard on myself.
When I'm the other me, I feel guilty for what I do when I'm being myself, I resent who I really am. Spending less time with Kihyun makes this other part of me come alive, I don't feel as good and negative feelings surface, I feel uncomfortable knowing that the part of me who is the real me exists and try to hide it. When I look at Kihyun I miss him, even when he is right by my side, I feel like he's miles away, because we aren't at home being ourselves, we are at church, being the people we are supposed to be, forgetting ourselves. And my love for him is still as intense as always but that starts to hurt instead of making me feel good because I feel like I can't express it.
    Time goes by slowly, I spend less and less time with Kihyun, eventually we only spend time together to talk about church matters. We used to text often, it was the only way I could express my feelings for him, through text, and we shared memes and cute stuff, now all I get are his daily texts letting me know everything is okay at home, he doesn't even ask me to drive him around anymore. I think of him everyday, worry about him everyday but he doesn't have time for me, I get to a point where I accept he is avoiding me and that makes me sad. Is what we have over? What's going on? What's up with him? He won't reply to any of my texts. His father replies way more often than Kihyun does, probably because the elder man is being threatened by me but shouldn't Kihyun, the man who claims to love me, text me  often?
    Chuseok goes by, midterms go by, Kihyun's birthday goes by and I don't get to spend time with him because he's studying. I present my thesis, Kihyun’s university entrance exams finally come, I finally finish university and Kihyun graduates. Through all this time I feel sad, depressed, like a robot, living miserably, I miss Kihyun so much. I didn't even get an invitation to his graduation. It's tomorrow! But then late at night, on his last day of school, I get a text from him.
KIHYUN
Hi
HYUNWOO
"Hi" me? Who's this?
KIHYUN
It's Kihyun. Did you delete my number?
HYUNWOO
No, of course not.
I was joking.
You haven't replied to my texts so I thought you had forgotten about me
KIHYUN
I didn't
I miss you like crazy
HYUNWOO
I miss you too
KIHYUN
Hyung, I wanted to see you so bad, I really did.
But you know how important getting into uni is to me, right?
I feel like I've studied every single second for the past few months
I was going crazy
Thank God is over
HYUNWOO
You did well on the exam?
KIHYUN
I think so
I'm confident
Oh, and I changed my mind about my major
HYUNWOO
Really? You were so passionate about psychology
KIHYUN 
Yeah, I was
Psychology is my second option
But my first is engineering
HYUNWOO
That's really cool
Actually, engineering really suits you
KIHYUN
I'm excited
I think I'll get in
HYUNWOO
Of course.
Your grades are perfect
KIHYUN
Yeah but I had that slip last semester
HYUNWOO
You were studying from home and you were injured
I'm sure they will take that into consideration
They'll probably ask you about it in your interview
KIHYUN
That's true
I hope so
HYUNWOO
I'm proud of you
KIHYUN
Really?
HYUNWOO
Yes. Very proud. You worked so hard.
KIHYUN
Thank you.
HYUNWOO
I miss you.
I'm going crazy, Hyunie
KIHYUN
That's why I texted
Let's meet up
I can't take it anymore
Only seeing you at church hurts like crazy
HYUNWOO
I know
When do you wanna meet up? Should I pick you up?
KIHYUN
Now
You don't have to pick me up
I'm already on my way
HYUNWOO
What? Where? How?
KIHYUN
Shall we go to the garden of morning calm?
HYUNWOO
What?
That's almost two hours away
KIHYUN
I know.
That's why I'm on my way already
HYUNWOO
What? Who's taking you?
KIHYUN
I'm on the train 😁
Come quickly
HYUNWOO
You should've told me sooner!
I don't want you to have to wait for me, it's cold!
KIHYUN
Then come quickly! I have a surprise for you!
I have sent your train tickets to your email!
HYUNWOO
You got me tickets?
KIHYUN
Yes!!
I also rented a car 😁
I got a driver's license, I didn't tell you that, did I?
HYUNWOO
How in the world did you afford to rent a car?
KIHYUN
I told you! My parents have been extremely nice to me since I got home. They probably repented. Good for them.
HYUNWOO
This is crazy
Okay
I just printed the tickets
I'm coming
KIHYUN
Printed?
You're so old
HYUNWOO
Just to make sure
Do I have to bring anything?
KIHYUN
No.
Let me know when you get there
I'll send you the location.
HYUNWOO
Okay!
I'll be quick!
    I'm so excited to see Kihyun. I get ready to leave at the speed of light. It's so sweet he planned something for us and it seems to be something special. It makes me feel happier than I have since he left my apartment. Like my battery is being recharged.
    I sleep on the train on the way so time goes by fast, I get to the destination quickly. When I get there I let Kihyun know and he sends me the location to where he is, telling me there's a cab waiting for me already. He planned everything, that's so sweet.
    The garden is beautiful and so romantic. I've lived in Korea for so long but I've never been here. It takes me a while to find him since the garden is so big but I find him in a secluded area where no one is around. He is sitting at a picnic table under a huge tree. The picnic table is set, there's a big meal prepared for us. When I look at him I feel relieved, like I'm taking off a mask that had been stopping me from breathing.
    "Hi." He says, waving.
    "Hi." I say, a bit breathless, he's breathtaking. I look at the beautiful table set up with a big smile then look at him. "Quite a surprise, huh?"
    "You like it?" He asks.
    I nod, smiling. "It's perfect. This place is beautiful."
    "You're beautiful." He says.
    There he is, leaving me breathless again and making me blush. I sit down in front of him, smiling. I feel so giddy, the butterflies in my stomach are going crazy.
    The food prepared is all the kinds of food I like, there's so much food, it could feed about ten kids. But we both eat a lot so I’m sure we will finish it all. "Shall we eat?"
    I nod, smiling. "Definitely."
    It's so cold my hands hurt when I take off my gloves to eat. "You're freezing, right?" He clicks his tongue. "Shit, I should've taken you somewhere else."
    I wave my hands, shaking my head. "It's fine, I-it's perfect." I tell him, filling my mouth with some food. "I love it here. It's beautiful. And you… You're here. It's perfect."
    He smiles shyly, his face going from pale to a bright red. "I just wanted us to be alone somewhere that wasn't your apartment and we wouldn't get caught by anyone."
    I smirk. "And why did you wanna be alone?"
    "I miss it." He replies. "I was… I missed you so much."
    "Really?" I ask. "You were the one who rejected me every time I asked to hang out. For months."
    He pouts, sighing. "I told you, I was studying, hyung. I really was. I studied really hard at all times. I wanted to ask you to study together but I knew you'd distract me and I couldn't afford being distracted. If I'm being honest the only reason I took time to go to church was because it was the only time I could take off and see you."
    I look into his eyes, smiling. "I missed you too."
    He lets out a breath of relief and nods. "Good. I thought you'd have forgotten me by now."
    I scoff. "I thought the same."
    He sighs. "I missed you very much. I was… kinda lonely, actually. I kept getting distracted even if you weren't there because I couldn't stop thinking about you."
    I chuckle. "Me too. I was really worried about you."
    He sighs deeply. "I'm okay."
    "How are things at home?" I ask. "Your dad really isn't giving you a hard time?"
    "I told you he's not." He replies. "Things really are okay, hyung. They're actually very good… it's kinda weird. Ever since I went back home, no one cares what time I leave or come back home, my mom doesn't care what I eat, she used to nag me all the time about eating healthy food and now she… she doesn't at all, actually, she's been giving me more money and clothes and they all don't seem to care what I do, it's… odd. It's suspicious." I smile but don't say anything, I keep eating in silence, hoping he'll keep talking. "It makes me kind of uneasy."
    I frown. "Really?"
    "It's…" He sighs. "I'm just worried something will happen, that my dad will suddenly go back to normal and… I don't know, maybe it's my anxiety talking or something."
    "You can leave home." I tell him. "Come stay with me. I'm planning on getting an actual apartment. Remember I'll start my internship soon so I'll be able to afford it on my own."
    "I'm…" He shakes his head. "Things are fine at home. Better than ever before actually. I mean, it's not like they give me love and attention but… I don't know. I feel like living there is like living by myself because I barely see any of them. They don't even make me eat dinner with them or… or make me do anything at all. Kinda feels like I'm living alone and I like it. Also my mom cleans my room and does my laundry."
    I smile, shaking my head. "Don't be suspicious. Don't worry or get anxious over this, just be sure you'll defend yourself if something happens."
    He nods. "I think I'll be able to." He tells me. "Therapy has been going well. I'm learning to speak my mind and to fight for what I want, to live for myself. I'm actually going twice a week so… well, I think I've changed a lot. For the better."
    "I'm proud of you." I reach out for his hand, smiling at him. "I really am."
    He blushes once again, looking down and smiling. "Thanks, hyung." He sighs. "I still have my struggles, a lot of them, but… I'm better at a lot of things."
    "You worked hard." I say. "You're… you're amazing, Kihyun. I really admire you."
    He raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Really?"
    I nod. "You're the strongest person I've ever met. Fighting for yourself isn't easy."
    "It's not… it's not that big of a deal. I just… my therapist is really good, I think that's all."
    "It's you." I whisper.
    We eat in silence for a while. We feed each other, play around, share meaningful glances and smiles. Then we start talking catching up on everything we missed about each other's lives. He tells me every single thing I missed. Kihyun looks happy and relaxed, he really seems to have changed. He speaks more than he did before, the way he laughs is even more beautiful, he doesn't pay too much attention to his table manners like before and he curses a lot more. Seeing him like this fills my heart with joy.
    "I'm freezing." He lets out a breathy laugh. "Coming here was not a good idea, was it?"
    "It's perfect." I tell him, caressing the back of his hand. "I'm really happy, Kihyunie."
    "Me too." He grabs my hand, kisses it gently then chuckles. "But we should pack things up and go. My fingers are about to fall off."
    "Okay." I nod. "The food was amazing, by the way." I tell him as we start to pack things up. "Best black bean noodles I've ever had. They taste like my mom's."
    "Yeah, your mom and I… we actually prepared this together."
    I look at him, smiling. That is the sweetest thing someone has ever done for me in my entire life. The picture of my mom and the love of my life cooking together makes me feel happy like never before. "Really?"
    Kihyun nods. "This morning." He replies. "When you were running errands for her."
    "Those errands did seem random." We both chuckle. I walk around the table to near him and wrap my hands around his waist, pulling him close and kissing his forehead. Our height difference is actually perfect to kiss his forehead without having to lean down. "I love you like crazy." I whisper. "I missed you."
    He buries his face on my chest, taking a deep breath, and wraps his arms around my waist, under my coat. I kiss the top of his head, leaning my chin there. "Me too." He whispers, sniffing my shirt then chuckling. "I even missed how you smell."
    I chuckle. "It's my mom's homemade laundry detergent."
    He shakes his head. "It's you. You're…" He chuckles. "You have this unique… scent."
    "I do? I don't feel it."
    He nods. "I'm just… trying to be romantic." He says.
    "That’s cute." I don’t even think when I press my lips against his. There isn't any drama, any worrying or hesitation, I just kiss him like it's what I do every single day. And when he pulls me as close as he can and presses his lips hard against mine, I know I did the right thing.
    One of the reasons I was scared to kiss him was because of his reaction, I was always almost sure he'd reject me because we are men of God who shouldn't be gay or anything gay but right now that's all miles away, the only things that matter is me and Kihyun, kissing for the first time as the first snow of the season falls gently and we smile against each other's lips. In the cold weather, his lips feel warm like a comforting fire, his breath on my lips even warmer. I feel comfortable, happy, excited, full of love. I have never felt this good in my life.
    Kihyun opens his mouth slightly and his tongue swipes over my lips. I let go of him to cup his cheeks and bring his face as close as I can, keeping him close when I open my mouth to kiss him back.
    In this cold weather, I am able to feel like I'm on fire when I feel Kihyun's tongue on mine. My heart is beating faster than a racing car. The kiss is slow and calm, it's so sweet. He doesn't taste any different than any of the people I've kissed but why does it taste so much better, why does it feel so good? I'm going crazy. His hand is on my waist, he's nuzzling my nose then going right back to kissing, he's smiling and chuckling. I hold him and as we kiss I lean back to pull him up and spin him around then we laugh as we kiss and keep kissing when I put him back down.
    "I love you." He whispers between kisses. "I love you like crazy."
    I nod. I want to say something but I want to keep kissing him, I want to get as close to him as humanly possible, I want to feel his warmth, to feel all these things I've never felt before, I want this moment to last forever.
    It doesn't last forever but we stand there kissing for so long I wonder how we don't freeze. We kiss slowly, desperately, sweetly, slowly, lazily. My lips have never gotten tired like this from kissing and even if they get tired I don't want to stop. Kihyun is the one to break the kiss, though, smiling at me and caressing my chest.
    "We'll get sick if we stay out in the cold for too long." He whispers. "I should've done this somewhere else, I—"
    I interrupt him with a chaste kiss then smile at him. "I think this is the best moment of my life." I whisper. He looks and smiles at me in a way I had never seen before, he looks happier than I've ever seen, his eyes are shining and I'm sure I look just as happy. I grab his gloves and put them on his hands, smiling at him, put on my own gloves then take his hand and we go on our way to his rented car. "Where shall we go now?" I ask as we walk up the hill to the car. "Did you get a hotel room?"
    He raises an eyebrow. "Hotel room?"
    I smile, shaking my head. "I just wanna lie in bed, cuddle… maybe kiss you until my lips can't take it. No funny business."
    Kihyun nods. "I planned some sightseeing. We are taking the train at seven. I already got the tickets."
    I nod and smile. "Okay." I whisper.
    "We could go to my house when we get back."
    I scoff. "No way."
    "Come on. Things are different now, I promise. No one is home and I… I want to spend time with you there."
    I raise an eyebrow. "Why?" I ask.
    He shrugs. "I guess I want my room to become somewhere I'm comfortable and I think that if we spend time there together I’ll get more comfortable."
    "No."
    "Oh, come on… I'm telling you it's okay. My house is a completely safe zone now. I promise."
    "Didn't you just say you worried something bad might happen at any moment?" I sigh deeply. "We can go to my place."
    "Hyung…" He pouts. "Please…"
    "No, I don't like this idea, Hyunie." I tell him. "I don't want your dad to do anything bad because I'm there."
    "Oh, come on. My dad worships you! Even if he showed up he'd be happy to see you. Don't be silly."
    "Well, I hate your father. Every time I look at him I want to murder him in very creative ways and if we are at your place with no witnesses I'll might do that."
    He scoffs. "Creative ways?"
    I sigh. "Yoo Kihyun…"
    "Don't worry about my father, okay? I told you, no one bothers me anymore and I… I actually want you to see that. I want you to see how things have changed. You can even sleepover."
    Maybe I should go, to check out if what he's saying is true. I can't pretend part of me hasn't considered that the things he says about his home being safer are true are lies. Maybe going there is a good idea, it's not like his dad can do anything to me if he sees me, I hold his life in my hands. "Fine… but we won't sleep in the same bed."
    Kihyun whines, linking an arm with mine and resting his head on my shoulder. "Why not? I miss cuddling. No one comes in my room anymore. My mom only goes in to clean up and she actually asks for permission to go inside."
    Damn, the blackmailing really worked. "Fine. But if something happens don't stop me from killing your father."
    He chuckles. "I won't, I won't…" He sighs. "You know it's kinda hot when you get angry like this."
    I scoff. "You're getting this brave after some kissing?"
    "Oh, that was just some kissing for you?" He pouts. "You're the worst."
    "It was and will be the most special kissing of my entire life. I've just never heard you talk like this."
    "Well, I told you I'm working on speaking my mind. And there's a lot on my mind about the matter of you being very attractive. These days I'm working on making sure you know how hot I think you are."
    I chuckle. "Then I'll do the same. I’ll let you know what’s on my mind, about this matter."
    "So you think I'm hot?" He asks, smirking.
    "You're sexy as hell." I reply. "You drive me crazy, Yoo Kihyun."
    "Yeah, I know the feeling."
    "How was the train ride here?" I change the subject because I don't want this to get to a conversation where we talk about sex, I'm scared of where that might lead us.
    "It was fine." He replies. "I wanted you to be surprised, that's why I didn't ask you to come with."
    "You're so romantic…"
    "Yeah, I did a huge amount of research on romance yesterday."
    "Ah…" I ruffle his hair, smiling. "Makes sense."
    "I'm an expert now. You'll see."
    I chuckle. "Can't wait."
    When we make it to the car, he grabs some blankets in the trunk and we sit in the back seat wrapped up in them for a bit, to warm up. We sit there kissing, playing and chatting for a while then get on to sightseeing. We visit beautiful places, share kisses and hold hands when no one is around, and chat about everything. It feels like a dream. I can barely pay attention to the places we visit because I can't take my eyes off of him. Once again I can feel relaxed and happy like I'm in a different dimension where there are no worries.
    We grab the train at seven, as planned. Kihyun sleeps the entire ride home, he looks adorable when he's asleep, he's so quiet. It's creepy how much time I spend watching him. When he wakes up and sees me watching him he makes fun of me and it's just so cute.
    When we get to his place, as soon as we walk through the doors, I feel tense. All the comfort and happiness I felt until now go away quickly. I look at those stairs and get flashbacks of finding Kihyun there close to dead, my chest tightens, I lose my breath for a second, it fucking hurts, it makes me want to cry. Kihyun is used to trauma, he calls this place home like nothing ever happened, but I'm not used to it. That moment is my biggest trauma so being here makes me feel like I'm reliving it. But Kihyun looks so happy, I won't ruin this moment by bringing up my feelings.
    But I freeze when I get closer to the stairs, I stand there staring at the bottom of the stairs, I can't move. My heart is beating so fast and I feel like my body is on high alert. Kihyun seems to only notice when he gets to the top of the stairs. I hear him come back down then feel his arm hooking mine. "Are you okay?" He whispers in my ear then kisses my cheek. "No one is home. It's alright."
    I don't reply right away, I just can't stop staring. My eyes are teary, a tear almost drops but I manage to catch it in time, wiping my eye with the back of my hand. Kihyun wraps an arm around me and gives me half a hug. "I'm sorry." He whispers. "I'm used to this stuff and—"
    I don't want him to feel bad because of me. Hyunwoo, don't make a big deal out of this, it's okay. "It's okay." I whisper, turning to him and smiling. Focus on him and you'll feel okay. "If you want me to be here, I'll be here."
    "Are you sure?" He asks.
    I nod, taking his hand. "Let's go up."
    Kihyun's room is spotless. His room looks like a hotel room, besides some books and school materials there's nothing that shows it's his room. It's kind of sad. I don't get why he stays here or why he insists on calling this place home.
    We take turns showering, he tells me to go first and lends me clothes. I feel so happy, while showering I think about every single second I spent with Kihyun today, I can't stop smiling. When I finish showering, I come out of the bathroom and Kihyun goes into the bathroom to shower.
    When he comes out of the bathroom after showering, he runs to the bed and jumps on top of me, laughing then leaving a kiss on my lips. He smells so good. Kihyun isn't that heavy but it feels like he's way heavier when he gets on top of me like I'm the bed.
    "Ouch…" I whisper with a smile on my face, looking into his eyes and pushing his hair back.
    "I'm cold." He whispers then I immediately wrap my arms around him.
    "I'm here." I whisper and gently kiss his lips.
    "I know exactly what we need to get warmed up." He says, smirking.
    I raise an eyebrow, holding him tighter. "Oh?"
    He leans down further and whispers in my ear "Warming blankets."
    I chuckle. "Go get it."
    He quickly grabs a blanket in his closet then comes back to bed and lies down by my side, lying his head on my chest and draping his arms and legs over me. The blanket is so warm, the perfect temperature. Kihyun's cold hand is on my waist, the other on my collarbone, he's looking into my eyes and smiling. He has such a beautiful smile, it's unreal.
    "You shouldn't smile so much." I whisper, caressing the back of his head and looking into his eyes.
    "Why not?" He whispers, frowning.
    I sigh deeply. "Your smile is too beautiful." His smile widens and he rolls his eyes. "I'm serious, Hyunie. Everyone will fall in love with you if you keep smiling like that."
    "And what makes you so sure everyone isn't in love with me already?" He asks, smirking.
    I scoff then lean down slowly to brush my lips against his. "You're so conceited." I whisper then gently kiss his lips.
    He smiles, nuzzling my nose. "It doesn't matter if everyone is in love with me." He whispers. "I like you more than anyone."
    "Me too." I whisper before kissing his lips again.
    Time kiss. I think it's what it should be called. When we kiss like we have all the time in the world. Our tongues are relaxed, they move slowly, we breath slowly, his lips are so soft, our bodies are so relaxed. I can take the time to truly feel his lips against mine, feel his hands on my chest and waist, how it feels to touch his back and cup his cheek as we kiss. It's so perfect, when he pulls me closer with his hand on the back of my head and we breathe in deeply. It's intense but easy. My heart is fluttering, there are butterflies in my stomach. I'm so happy.
    Kihyun is a really good kisser. I thought this would be his first time but maybe it's not. Or maybe I feel he's such a good kisser because of how strongly I feel about him but still, he's amazing, it feels too good to be true. There's something about kissing this slowly, feeling him so close, paying such close attention to every move, it can be very erotic. My body starts getting warmer and I feel that familiar tingle in my groin so I stop, lean back and just smile at him. We hold gazes for a second, smiling. His lips are we'd and swollen, he looks beautiful. I run my fingers through his hair and he caresses my chest gently. "You're a good kisser." I whisper.
    "You too." He nuzzles my chest then looks at me again with a gentle smile.
    I take a deep breath then bite my lower lip, looking at his lips then into his eyes again. "Have you kissed other people before?" I whisper. He bites his lip then nods. "Really?" He nods again. Why do I feel sad that I'm not his first kiss? It's not a big deal. "Well… was it… when you were younger?" He shakes his head. "Was it… here? In Seoul?" He nods. "Oh…"
    He frowns. "Is that… are you upset? Is that… is that a bad thing?"
    "No. Of course not. I'm just… I'm curious, that's all." I reply. "Do I… do I know them?"
    "Yeah." He says. "You know him."
    I raise my eyebrows. "It's a guy?" He nods. "Oh… is he a church member?"
    "No. Not a church member." Kihyun sighs then lowers his head.
    "Who was it?" I ask. Why am I getting worked up over this? I'm jealous. I've been getting jealous a lot lately. I hate it, I never got jealous over anything before I met Kihyun. Damn, I like him too much. "A classmate?"
    "No. It wasn't a classmate. Don't try to guess."
    I raise an eyebrow. "Lee Hoseok?" I ask and he doesn't reply, he keeps his head down. "Lee Hoseok? You kissed Lee Hoseok?"
    "I said don't try to guess." He whispers.
    Lee Hoseok? A guy who could make anyone fall for him? Why Lee Hoseok of all people? "Why?" I ask, hoping I don't sound as frustrated and insecure as I feel. "Why? When?"
    He raises his head, looks into my eyes and sighs. "At the retreat, that one time I was his counselor."
    I scoff. "Seriously? At a retreat? Kihyun—"
    "It was almost a year ago, hyung. Forget about it."
    "I…" I move my mouth but can't find the right words, because I want to ask a lot of things but I don't wanna annoy him or sound too possessive. I clear my throat then purse my lips. "Do you…" I sigh. "Do you like him or… do you have feelings for him?"
    "No." He says and smiles. "Of course not. I'm a one heart at a time type of guy."
    I nod then whisper "Okay.".
    Kihyun smirks then leans in slowly to whisper "Are you the jealous type?" brushing his lips against mine.
    "No." I whisper. "Not… not usually."
    "Me neither." He looks into my eyes, still smirking. "But when I see you and Sanha noona together… I kinda am."
    I smile, raising an eyebrow as I run my fingers through his hair. "Is that so?" He pouts and nods. "Why? She's just… she's just Sanha."
    "Yeah." He sighs deeply. "The girl you dated the longest. And the girl who talks about you at every chance she gets."
    I frown. "She does?"
    He nods. "She tells me about your relationship, about your dates and… and… she tells me a lot of stuff. It's very uncomfortable."
    "Well… why? I mean what did she say that made you uncomfortable?"
    "I think she has told me details about all your dates. You're all she talks about. Lately she's been going on and on about how she's been praying for you and that she thinks the Lord will get you two back together."
    I scoff. "That's highly unlikely." Kihyun sighs deeply. "Just don't listen to her anymore, okay? If she tries to talk about me, change the subject or just run."
    Kihyun chuckles. "Sure, I'll run." He gently kisses my lips, nuzzles my nose and takes a deep breath. "Do you wanna take a nap?"
    "Wanna kiss you." I whisper. "For a bit."
    His cheeks turn bright red and he chuckles. "Then kiss me."
    We kiss for a while, this time I make sure I use less tongue and keep his hands away from my waist and chest so things don't heat up. We end up falling asleep all cuddled up. I'm overflowing with happiness.
    When I wake up, it's morning. Kihyun isn't there which makes me a bit nervous, and worried that something might have happened to him. I get up quickly, look for him in the bathroom then run out of the room to look for him downstairs.
    Kihyun is in the kitchen cooking. My heart skips a beat when I see him standing by the oven with messy hair stirring a pot, he looks so cute. His father and brother are sitting at the kitchen table eating. His father's presence tenses me up and makes me uncomfortable and angry. Every time I see this man I want to beat him to a pulp. But I don't want to get arrested so sadly, I can't do that.
    "Good morning." I say, entering the kitchen. I sit right by his father's side. Why? Maybe I'm trying to establish dominance, maybe I want him to remember I got the upper hand here and that I'm not scared of him. "Sir." I give him a curt bow then nod at the brother.
    Kihyun turns to look at me and smile, that beautiful bright smile I wish only I could see. "Hyung, I was just telling father about the winter retreat."
    I smile back. "Yeah?" Kihyun nods. I look at his father, smiling. "What do you think, sir?"
    Kihyun's brother looks very tense in my presence. His father seems annoyed and angry, he's holding a wooden spoon so tightly it looks like it might break. The man looks at me, clenching his teeth and sighs deeply. "It's fine."
    "We had a small trouble with finding a venue but I got everything figured out already." I tell the father. "You know I'm very good at solving problems."
    The man sighs deeply and the younger teenager gets up and leaves the room. I smile at the youngest and wave at him as he leaves.
    "Sir, how are things going in your department?" I keep making conversation with the man like nothing ever happened and Kihyun doesn't seem to notice the tension between us.
    After dinner with his father I can tell that I truly have the upper hand in the situation. The man seems to be watching his every move, when I look at him he tenses up and he barely even looks at Kihyun. He's scared. I would be too if I were in his situation. It makes me believe things might be under control. But I still don't want Kihyun to live here. Still, I can't force him to leave.
    For the next few weeks I spend a lot of time with Kihyun, almost every second. We go on dates, we kiss and hold hands whenever people aren't looking, we kiss until our lips hurt, he sleeps over at my place, I sleep over at his, we even get matching bracelets. I have never been happier in my entire life, being with Kihyun like this is like a dream come true.
    We spend most of the time indoors since it's cold. I sleep at Kihyun's most days. I feel like my presence reminds his family to behave. It makes me feel useful, like I'm protecting Kihyun even though he has no idea. So I'm there, sitting by his father's side, smiling, looking polite, reminding him to know his place.
    Kihyun tells me that spending a lot of time with me in his room and at his house makes it feel like home, that makes him feel comfortable and safe. I'm not sure how I feel about that because I want him to leave so badly but I am also happy he feels safe at his home for the first time. I try to make the best out of this situation and enjoy my happy moments with the man I love.
    Unexpectedly, Kihyun and I have great moments even at church. I think I'm so in love I don't think about anything but Kihyun, I don't even pay attention to sermons or even pray, I just think of Kihyun. I've been giving the other members of the youth leadership the opportunity to preach so I rarely have to. When I preach I talk about positive and popular messages of the Bible without giving it much thought. Lately I don't feel very connected to God and I barely even notice that, because I have Kihyun, it's like my mind is clouded by Kihyun and I'm happier than ever being that way.
    For some reason, the younger teenagers of the youth group say Kihyun and I are their second parents. It's kinda weird but cute somehow. They really respect us and we have fun with them. Kihyun is only nineteen but he really does take care of those kids like he's their parent, he's so responsible and mature. He truly cares about those kids and it feels good to lead them with him, to do everything with him.
    Since we couldn't have a summer retreat last year, Kihyun and I planned a winter retreat with the youth group to make up for it. We planned a five day ski trip. We had countless bake sales and asked for donations to gather money for a great ski venue for the entire youth group. We didn't want to rent out the entire place but since it is a small business, we were offered a discount to do so, so we did.
    I'm excited when the retreat weekend finally arrives, it feels like I'm on drugs because I feel so happy and energetic. I look at Kihyun and it feels like the world is a beautiful place. We are at Kihyun's place, we wake up at eleven, order lunch, watch a movie, pack Kihyun's bag, grab my stuff at my place, go to church, gather the kids, give them instructions about the ride to the resort then get on the bus. On the whole ride to the ski resort Kihyun goes on and on about how nervous he is about skiing. It's cute, he's cute. God damn it, why does he look so cute sleeping? And eating? He's so cute.
    We get to the resort at night. After I give the teenagers the retreat instructions and printed out schedules, and the leaders sort the younger ones into their rooms, Kihyun and I go to our room, we get to share one. The room is so warm, it feels homey and comfortable. It's a small room so it's perfect. The smaller the room is the closer to Kihyun I get to be. There are two twin mattresses in the room. Kihyun and I put them side by side in a corner of the room so we can share the bed. We take turns showering then cuddle up in bed under several thick blankets.
    "I love going on youth retreats." Kihyun whispers. "I have some really good memories from when I was younger."
    I nod, smiling at him. Kihyun has his head on my bicep and he's looking at me with a gentle smile. "Me too."
    "You know, I…" He chuckles. "I got baptized at a retreat. In a river."
    "Really?" I smile. "That’s so…*
    He raises his eyebrows. "Rustic?"
    I chuckle. "Yeah."
    He sighs deeply. "It was nice." He gently kisses my lips then looks into my eyes, smiling at me. "I like when we sleep in the same bed." He whispers then gives me another peck on the lips.
    I sigh deeply then pull him closer, hugging him tightly. "If you agreed to be my roommate we could share a bed every night." I whisper, smirking. He sighs deeply and lowers his head. "Sorry." I kiss his forehead and push his hair back gently. "No pressure."
    He smiles and nods then presses his lips against mine in a long and chaste kiss. When he pulls away, he smiles at me then leans down to nuzzle my nose. "Let's kiss until we fall asleep." He whispers, hand landing on my chest.
    "Uh…" I put my hand over his and smile at him, pushing it away. "No?"
    He pouts, frowning. "Why not?"
    I sigh deeply then smile awkwardly. "Well… Because I'm… not in a good… not in the mood?"
    He exhales a silent giggle then presses a kiss to my cheek. "You don't sound so sure." He whispers.
    "Eh…" I clear my throat. Yesterday we had a makeout session that got a bit heated and it was hard for me to stop. I think that if it happens again I won't be able to stop and I don't want to make him feel like he has to do anything he doesn't want to. "I…"
    He raises his eyebrows. "What is it?"
    "I've been… well… I…" I sigh. "I can't say it. Oh my god. This is embarrassing."
    He nudges me. "Just say it."
    "I can't. I can't… we shouldn't… I mean you're… we are… and you're… you're innocent… I mean, I don't wanna… well—"
    "What?" He scoffs. "Who's innocent?"
    "You." I whisper. "I don't wanna make you—"
    "Hyung, I'm not innocent at all. I'm… I'm the opposite of innocent. Don't worry. Just tell me why you don't wanna… make out."
    "Ok, I… I just…" I take a deep breath then smile at him. "Well, I've been getting a bit worked up these days… when we make out…"
    He raises his eyebrows, smirking. "So?"
    "So?" I retort with a curious expression. "You… You don't see a problem?"
    Kihyun scoffs. "Why would I?"
    "I-I don't know… it's… it's… dirty, I guess. I don't want to think things that… well…"
    He pats my chest, smiling. "I get worked up too, hyung." He whispers. "Very worked up. What do you think I think of when we make out? Sunshines and rainbows?"
    I chuckle then press a gentle kiss to his lips. "No…"
    "Hyung, we… We can do whatever you want. Whatever we want. I… You don't have to worry about anything." He starts caressing my chest gently, smiling at me. "I mean, I-I'm… I'm not good at this stuff but… I want to. I want it a lot."
    I drape a leg over his thigh then pull him closer and he giggles right in my ear. "Yeah?" I whisper.
    He nods, biting his lip. "I think about this kind of thing." He whispers. "I have for a longtime."
    I smirk. "And how long is that?"
    He shrugs. "Are you surprised?" I nod, biting my lip and looking from his eyes to his lips then to his eyes again. "I'm surprised you're surprised since I… you know…"
    I raise my eyebrows. "What?"
    "Well… you know… that one day… it was a while ago but when I…" He clears his throat. "When I was asleep, I… did that thing… On your leg."
    I let out a breathy giggle. "You mean when you humped my leg?"
    He sighs. "Don't say it like that…"
    "I thought it was just a dream, I didn't think it meant anything." I lick my lips, eyes glued to his. I feel a sexual tension start growing in the air, he's looking at my lips, caressing my chest, hand going lower very slowly. "I mean, I… I was a bit confused but—"
    "I love you." He whispers in my ear then faces me again. "I want us to be very very close. As close as we can, I…" My body is starting to respond to him touching my chest, to him whispering in my ear and now playing with the waistband of my sweatpants. "So… let's do whatever we want, okay?"
    "Right now?" I ask, raising my eyebrows, slowly sliding my hand down his back.
    He shrugs, biting his lips. "I want to…"
    "Me too." I whisper, hand stopping right over his ass. "I want to."
    "But we… we don't have stuff… like… like lube or… anything."
    Then I do what I've been wanting to for a long time, I grab his ass, full on and pull him close enough for him to press his crotch against my hip. And I must have gotten way more sensitive for not having sex for so long because just grabbing his ass is enough to make my cock start reacting. Kihyun smiles widely when I touch him, biting his lip, he looks excited. "We don't have to go all the way." I whisper in his ear as I start kneading his ass. "We can just do what you did that one time."
    "What?" He whispers.
    I pull him against me, forward then down, hard by the ass, rubbing his crotch against my hip and he lets out a quiet moan. "This." I whisper in his ear.
    "Hyung…" He moans in my ear.
    I press my lips against his, kissing him passionately and with my hands on his ass, rubbing him against my hip. He moans quietly, hand gripping my shoulder, the other on my bicep. The layer or clothes between us is thin, I'm only wearing sweatpants and so is he, and by the feeling of his hot, wet and hardening cock on my hip, it doesn't seem like he's wearing underwear either.
    He's shy at first, I'm the one doing the touching, making him roll his lips by pulling him by the ass, kissing him fiercely and touching his nipples gently as he quietly moans against my lips. But then he starts rolling his hips on his own, rubbing himself against me harder. My cock gets harder and harder very quickly, especially when he starts touching my chest and kissing me deeper.
    I grab my crotch, attempting to bring myself some pleasure but it's not enough, I get on top of him, breaking the kiss. I look at his beautiful face, his cheeks are bright red, he's breathing heavily and his lips are swollen, he's never looked more beautiful.
    "You okay?" I whisper, cupping his cheek and with my other hand, cupping his crotch. He lets out a quiet moan when I touch his cock, biting his lip hard. He nods, pushing his hips up into my hands. I ponder if I should shove my hand down his pants but I don't, instead I rub my crotch against his, very slowly and looking into his eyes. He grabs my chest with one hand and tries to touch my abs with the other but fails when I roll my hips harder.
    "Hyung…" He whispers.
    "Do you want me to—"
    "Just don't stop." He moans. "I-I'm…" He lets out a sharp breath. "I'm close. K-keep… keep doing that."
    I keep rolling my hips and start playing with his nipples, rubbing my thumbs against them. I slide my hand up his shirt to play with them directly and he seems to like it. He's moaning, digging his fingers into the mattress and rolling his hips. He looks so fucking sexy, God, I want to do so much more than just humping.
    But just this feels amazing. The tension in the room is heavy, everything feels so good. As I roll my hips against his, I imagine how it'd feel to roll my hips while fucking him, I look at his mouth, swipe my thumb against his lower lip as he moans with his eyes closed and wonder how it'd feel to have those lips wrapped around my length.
    Kihyun comes without any warning, it kind of surprises me. He holds onto my wrist tightly, biting his lip and whimpering quietly. "Hyung…" He whimpers, thrusting his hips. He looks so good when he comes, it's unforgettable.
    After he comes, he lies there breathing heavily and smiling as he stares at the ceiling. I have never seen a man so beautiful. I still my hips and start caressing his stomach gently, pushing his shirt up to his elbows. He looks at me, smiling and sits up to kiss my lips.
    He kisses me sensually, slowly, grabbing the back of my neck and keeping me as close as he can. "Hyung, can I touch your cock?" He asks between kisses. That makes me cock twitch, my stomach flutters. How can he sound so sexy?
    "Yes." I let the word out in one breath, grabbing his ass and smiling between kisses. Only now I realize I'm breathing heavily too, our hot breaths between kisses and how loud the kissing is makes it all even hotter.
    "I might not be good at it, though." He whispers.
    "I don't care." I tell him.
    "I'll do it now." He says. "Okay?"
    "Do whatever you want. Just…" I let out a sharp breath. "Anything."
    "Okay."
    He seems nervous all of a sudden. I open my eyes to look at him and he's sitting there, staring at my crotch and licking his lips. My cock is hard and leaking, creating a wet spot on my grey sweatpants. He moves his hand slowly, reaching for my cock. At first he just brushes his hand against the head of my cock, taking a deep breath, then he grabs it and looks into my eyes like he's asking a question. I gently kiss his lips then smile at him, caressing the back of his head. "Just do it how you do it to yourself."
    Kihyun gulps and nods. "Okay."
    He slowly slides his small hand down my pants and wraps it around my cock then taking a deep breath, he starts rubbing his thumb against the head. I let out a sharp breath, biting my lip, then wrap my arms around his waist, and kiss his lips. I slide my hands down to grab his ass and knead the cheeks as he jerks me off and kisses me. Everything is so hot and sexy it doesn't take long for me to come. Kihyun is really good with his hands, he sure knows what he's doing, he has me falling apart mercilessly at his hands.
    I come moaning into his lips, gripping his ass hard and thrusting my hips up as he continuously bobs his hand. I'm surprised when he leans down, wraps his lips around the head of my cock and swallows all the seed as I come, I gasp in surprise. He smiles proudly when he looks at me, wiping his mouth and licking his lips. And here I thought he couldn't get any hotter.
    "I'm so fucking in love with you." I whisper.
    He nods. "Me too."
    I sleep peacefully, more than ever before. I feel that with Kihyun, I'm experiencing and feeling the best things I've ever felt and experienced in my entire life. It's like I'm in a brand new world where I don't worry about anything but us.
     Ever since Kihyun and I confessed our feelings, I kinda started only paying attention to the good parts of the Bible without noticing. Besides Kihyun making it easier for me to be myself, that made it easier too. He makes my life better. I'm so in love I feel like I'm hypnotized by him, he's the only thing in my mind and he's my world. My life has never been better, I feel like I'm under a spell. But the next day, the spell is broken.
    Everything is going perfectly. We have a great service with a very positive message, we play games with the teens, we have Bible study and only study happy, inspiring and positive messages of the Bible like we have for a while.
    Kihyun and I spend time together in our room after a great lunch, we make out and take a nap, then we go skiing for the first time and it's so much fun. And then after dinner, night service comes.
    The person preaching is my ex-girlfriend Sanha. She was my first girlfriend and the one I dated the longest. She was the one to break up with me saying I didn't give her enough attention. She has always been kind and sweet to me and everyone, even after the breakup, she never changed her attitude around me and never got mad. She's dedicated to the work of God and lives for it. She's probably the most dedicated person I've ever met. I've always admired her but when words start coming out of her mouth when she starts preaching, that admiration is gone.
    She preaches about homosexuality and she's harsh about it. I don't know if I'm paranoid but I feel like she's looking at me the entire time. It makes me uncomfortable. I start cooking up all sorts of ideas in my head of what might be the reason behind her preaching about this, rethinking the past few months and all sorts of negative feelings I managed to keep away come rushing back. I start wondering if she knows something, if she knows about me, her preaching is so specific and the things she says feel like they're directed at me. It's scary, it makes me anxious and nervous. I feel like I'm being ripped out from a fairytale and thrown into the real world.
    Kihyun, who's sitting by my side, just gets up and leaves. I'm too scared to follow him, I'm scared to move, actually. I start to feel that familiar guilt again but worse than ever before because of all the things I did that I had never done before. Things are different with Kihyun than they were with Hoseok. I didn't feel as bad with Hoseok because he wasn't even Christian ahd he was the one influencing me to sin. But Kihyun is Christian, I'm older, I'm his leader, I should have been a good influence instead of allowing and enabling our sinful behavior. So I start feeling like I made him sin. It's all my fault.
    Sanha's words are like gunshots, she says things I've heard a million times but after everything I did and felt with Kihyun, it hits harder, it makes me feel worse than ever before, I feel sick, I'm sad and I feel humiliated.
    "Aren't you going after him?" Jooheon, who's sitting by my side, whispers to me, frowning hard. I shake my head and keep looking at the preacher. "Why not?" He whispers. "He seems upset, hyung." I clear my throat and keep quiet. "Hyung." He says, nudging me.
    "I can't." I whisper. "I have to give the final message and—"
    "I can ask Beom noona to do it. Don't worry."
    "I—"
    "Go, hyung. You should check up on him."
    I keep staring at the woman preaching then gulp before taking a deep breath and looking at Jooheon. I give him a gentle smile and nod. "I'll see you later."
    Jooheon smiles proudly. "Okay."
    I walk out of the big dining room, where the service is being held, very slowly then when I'm outside I run to Kihyun who seems to be on his way to our room. I feel so many things it makes me want to cry.
    Reaching him, I hug him tightly from behind, trying to find comfort. I don't worry about being seen since it's quite dark and everyone is inside for service. I inhale deeply, taking in his scent, it comforts me. His presence comforts me. He covers my hands with his, holding them tightly, then turns around to face me, keeping my arms around him and wrapping his arms around my neck.
    To my surprise, Kihyun is smiling, he looks oddly cheerful, especially for a gay person who just heard someone preaching about how disgusting being gay is. "Hi!" He greets me cheerfully and gently kisses my lips.
    "Hi…" I whisper, with a half smile and raising my eyebrows.
    "Why did you come after me?" He asks.
    I sigh deeply. "I thought you'd be upset."
    He shakes his head. "I'm done being upset over this kind of thing."
    I force myself to smile and nod. "That's good."
    "How about you?" He asks. "You okay?"
    I shrug. "I guess."
    "She's wrong." Kihyun whispers. "These people… They're all wrong. Jesus didn't teach hate or… I'm sure God is disappointed in every word coming out of her mouth right now. Disappointed she's using his name to spread hate."
    I nod, still forcing myself to smile. The words coming out of his mouth make sense and part of me believes them but the other part of me doesn't and that part seems to be speaking louder than it has in a while. The things I learned at church are deeply rooted in me and it's not easy to completely believe things that betray those principles. "Okay." I whisper.
    "You know, I realized something." He whispers, nuzzling my nose.
    "What did you realize?"
    He smiles widely. "It's a secret."
    I scoff. "Then why did you tell me…"
    He kisses my cheek then runs away and I stand there staring at him, now genuinely smiling, then run after him all the way to our room.
    I catch him right at the room door, grabbing him by the waist and pulling him inside, locking the door behind us. We take off our shoes and jackets then jump into bed and lie down facing each other, smiling at each other.
    "What did you realize?" I whisper, taking his hand.
    He sighs deeply, smiling. "You make me happy." He whispers. "Happier than I've ever felt."
    I smile then kiss the back of his hand. "You too."
    "I've realized that God wants me to be happy." He tells me. "And I'm really happy."
    I take a deep breath, nodding. Even after the hateful words I heard earlier, words that made me feel sad, uncomfortable and confused, now that I'm by Kihyun's side I feel happy. "I'm happy too."
    He gently kisses my lips and smiles, nuzzling my nose. "Can we do it again?" He whispers.
    I look into his eyes, raising my eyebrows. "Do what?"
    He raises and lowers his eyebrows twice in a suggestive manner. "What we did last night." He whispers. "I wanna do it again. I liked it."
    I chuckle, putting a hand on his waist. "Right now?"
    He nods, biting his lip. "I've been thinking about it all day, hyung."
    I smirk, slowly sliding my hand to the side, to grab his ass. "Yeah."
    "Yeah." He whispers, brushing my lips against his. "I really liked touching it."
    "Then it's only fair I get to touch you now, right?"
    "Definitely."
    We both take our shirts and pants off this time but keep our boxers on. I get on top of him with my knees on either side of his thighs and kiss him slowly, touching his chest and stomach, play with his nipples with my thumbs. We don't make out for long before things get heated. He reaches for my hardening cock, wrapping his hand around it over my boxers and stroking it gently. "Hyung." He whispers between kisses. I grab his crotch too, gently massaging his balls then sliding my hand down his boxers. He's fully hard already, his cock throbbing and leaking. "You're so hard already." I whisper and he nods, clumsily moving his hand around my cock.
    I'm not sure if Kihyun is just really sensitive or if I'm very good at pleasuring him, let's say it's both, but he's going crazy, he's a mess, in no time he's moaning and whimpering, gripping my biceps tightly, biting whatever part of my body he can reach, he's sweating, his body is so warm and his cock is so wet. It's so sexy. If he looks this good just by getting a hand job I can't imagine how it'll be like when I fuck him, I want to, I want to drive him crazier.
    I make him come playing with his nipples with my tongue, and jerking him off, rubbing my palm against the head of his cock and with the other hand wrapped around the length, moving it as fast as I can. After he comes, he takes a second to breathe. Then he gets on top of me, kisses me for a few seconds then travels down my body, wraps his hand my cock and sucks the head while he jerks me off, looking into my eyes, until I come in his mouth. I've never seen someone as hot as him, no one looks as good sucking dick like he does, no one is as perfect as he is. He's everything.
    But this time, after we finish and lie down side by side, catching our breaths, I feel guilty, like I did every time I hooked up with Hoseok but worse. I feel bad when I look at Kihyun's stomach covered in cum and have the insane desire to lick him clean, grabbing him, fucking him just to mess him up all over. I haven't felt like this in a while. I was blinded by my love and passion for Kihyun, so the feeling is overwhelming and it gets worse when Kihyun says what he does next.
    "We are so bad." He whispers and giggles.
    I look at him, raising my eyebrows. "Huh?"
    He looks at me, smiling. He looks so excited and happy, I've never seen him smiling this brightly. "Doing this at a church retreat." He whispers then drapes an arm and a leg over me, kissing my neck and ear. "Maybe they're right," He says, looking into my eyes. "We are a disgrace." He sighs. "They say it's sinful but…" He gently kisses my lips and keeps smiling. "It feels so good." He says. "Why did I spend so much time hating myself over this when it feels this good?" Then he presses his lips against mine, enthusiastically initiating a deep and wet kiss. I don't kiss him back with as much enthusiasm.
    I'm quite shocked by his words. I never thought he'd say something like that. It felt like he was praising sin and it made me feel even worse. It's my fault. What he says just makes me feel even more guilty. I don't wanna be a disgrace. I don't want him to be a disgrace. I don't want us to go to hell and I don't want to go to heaven without him. I don't know what to do.
    After that, it feels impossible to enjoy the retreat. Being there feels wrong, I feel guilty, like I'm disrespecting God, like I'm not worthy of being in a Christian retreat. I feel like a ghost, like I'm there but not really, like I'm running on autopilot, just doing what I usually do at church. I smile at everyone, I preach the same thing I have a million times, I give advice to many teenagers, the same advice I always give, it's like following a manual. I might look happy to everyone but I'm miserable. Kihyun is the only one who notices I'm not doing okay. He's the only one who knows the real me after all.
    "You okay?" He whispers to me. It's after noon. We are preparing for the games we planned for the kids, sitting on the floor surrounded by school supplies, colorful paper sheets and printed out verses we are cutting out for a guessing game. "You've been quiet."
    I force myself to smile then nod. "I'm okay."
    He nods then sighs. He doesn't say anything for a moment. He puts down the scissors and keeps looking down at his hands like he's thinking hard. He looks around at the empty dining room and sighs deeply then looks at me and takes my hand. "You can tell me." He says, looking into my eyes. I lower my head and sigh but don't reply. "Are you mad at me?" He asks, squeezing my hand gently. "Did I…"
    I shake my head and smile gently, raising my head and looking at him. "I'm not mad." I whisper, gently caressing the back of his hand. "Just thoughtful. Don't worry."
    "I love you." He says. For some reason, those words startle me. I take a deep breath and nod but don't say the words back.
    Kihyun doesn't ask me if I'm okay again. We actually don't talk much after that. For the next few days, I do a lot of work that I don't have to do. I offer to do other people's work to keep myself busy so I don't have time to think. Working too much to avoid my feelings like I used to do before. I get praised for offering to do other people's work but they don't know I have selfish reasons to do so.
    Kihyun is always by my side, he keeps himself busy too. We are exhausted after doing so much work we go straight to sleep when we get to our room after activities so there's no making out, just cuddling.
    The retreat comes to an end quickly, time flies. When I get home Kihyun and I part ways and only talk through text the next day. I have a job interview the day after. I think I do well. Kihyun doesn't text me much after that or asks me to hang out so I don't either, after a week he only texts me to let me know everything is okay at home.
    I assumed Kihyun would insist on asking about what's going on with me and why I'm acting differently but he doesn't. I start to wonder if he's mad at me or if I hurt him. I don't ask him though. Kihyun and I have good communication, we talk about things, but for the next few weeks it doesn't go that way. I feel like we have things to say but don't, things feel awkward and weird when we are together at church and we don't hang out outside of church. It makes me anxious, it makes me feel even worse, like something is missing, everything starts to feel wrong and I have no idea what's going on, I just know that I feel awful all the time.
    I get the job I interviewed for. I'm very proud of myself because it's my first real job interview and I got in right away. I mean, the owner of the company is a member of our church and friends with my dad but still, if I sucked I wouldn't get hired, right?
    When I tell Kihyun I got the job through text, he replies asking me to go out for pizza to celebrate. I feel so relieved when he asks to hang out. I feel like I miss him even though we see each other at church all the time. Maybe because when we are at church we aren't really ourselves, we are who we think we are supposed to be.
    I'm quite nervous for our date for some reason. I have this lingering feeling something is off, that something might go wrong. I realize that I've been feeling so awful I haven't even prayed so I start praying to God to help me feel better. But I don't. I only feel better when I get Kihyun's text asking me to go out. I feel excited.
    I get dressed nicely for Kihyun, I put on the perfume he told me he likes, the clothes I wore one of the times he complimented my outfit, I try to look good for him. But when I get to the pizza place he's not the only one there, all our church friends are there. They rented out the whole place for a surprise party to celebrate my first job.
    Even though it's a sweet act, I'm quite disappointed. I thought I'd spend time alone with Kihyun, that he wanted to, but apparently he doesn't want to. I miss him. Why won't I just ask him to hang out? He usually does it first but I do it sometimes too. At first, I was the one who always asked to hang out. Maybe he isn't comfortable asking me anymore. I have to ask, I have to ask what's wrong. I need to get over this pity party. Will this ever be over? Will I ever stop feeling like this? Feeling guilty and sad for being who I am? Guilty for being happy? Are all these awful feelings ever going away? Will I ever accept myself? Is Kihyun mad at me? Son Hyunwoo, get a grip! Talk to him.
    Throughout the party, there are so many people congratulating me and trying to make conversation that it takes some time until I get to sit with Kihyun. When I do, I offer to take him home. I'm very nervous when I ask it because I'm expecting him to reject the offer but he accepts, smiling shyly and gently caressing my arm. Not being rejected makes me relieved. We sit side by side eating in silence after that. Just sitting by his side like this makes me feel at ease.
    We are the first ones to leave the party. Kihyun makes an excuse saying he has to go home or else his father will be mad and I tell them that I'm very tired. I'm emotionally tired so it's not a lie.
    Things feel a bit awkward now we are in the car on the way to his house, the silence isn't as comfortable as usual. Kihyun is on his phone, he seems chill. Maybe it's just me who's feeling awkward, maybe this is all in my head. Maybe he hasn't hung out with me because he's busy. Maybe he got a part time job and forgot to tell me. I'm overthinking.
    "I'll sleep over at your place." I speak gently, keeping my eyes on the road. He doesn't give a verbal reply, he just nods and lets out a "Hm."
    When we get to his place we go straight to his room, still in silence. He doesn't say a word, I feel like he's acting like I'm not even there. He even goes into the bathroom to shower without even saying anything. He's definitely mad at me. But why did he let me come over if he was gonna act this way?
    "Your turn." Is all he says when he comes out of the bathroom, now wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, one that he stole from me, he looks cute in it.
    When I come out of the bathroom after a quick shower, I find him sitting on the floor, holding a hairdryer and looking at me. He looks at the floor then at me, asking me to sit without saying any words and I sit right in front of him, between his legs.
    I love the feeling of his fingers running through my hair as he dries it, the feeling of his hand on my neck, it relaxes me. When Kihyun is done, he sets the hairdryer down then takes a deep breath. I sit still, waiting for him to get up so I can follow but he doesn't get up. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me backwards, he has his legs spread and I scooch back until our bodies meet. I lean back against his torso and take a deep breath, putting my hands over his hands on my stomach.
    Kihyun kisses my cheek then my ear and takes a deep breath with his mouth hovering over my ear. He takes my hands, caressing the back slowly. I expect him to say something but he doesn't. We sit like that in silence for a while. I feel safe, I feel comfortable and happy but I'm still nervous, wondering what might be going on inside his head.
    I lie my head on his shoulder, looking into his eyes and whispering "Are you mad at me?"
    He frowns. "Huh?"
    I sigh deeply, sitting up, turning around, wrapping my arms around his neck and draping my legs over his thighs. "You haven't asked to hang out and we haven't texted a lot and you're… you're quiet. So…"
    "You haven't asked to hang out either, hyung. And you haven't texted and you're quiet too." He says.
    "Oh, I…"
    "I thought you were mad. Because of what we did at the retreat." He explains. "I was giving you space."
    "I'm not mad." I tell him. "I told you I wasn't."
    "Then why have you been acting weird?" He lowers his head, leaning his head on my shoulder and sighing. "Are you… I'm confused, hyung. I really am."
    "It's nothing." I cup his cheeks and bring him closer to kiss his lips. I don't know how to explain what's going on with me because I'm confused about it myself. The cognitive dissonance is killing me. I don't know how to express it all. So I just kiss him, slowly and gently, touching the nape of his neck and his cheek softly, his arms wrapped tightly around me. Maybe this kiss will express everything I need to.
    "I love you." He whispers between kisses. He takes a deep breath as we kiss then pulls away, gently caressing my back. He looks into my eyes and takes another deep breath. "Come on."
    We move to the bed, lie down facing each other and hold hands, he's running his fingers through my hair, I keep a hand on the nape of his neck. "I missed you." He whispers. "I was really sad the past few weeks. Because I thought you were mad at me."
    I shake my head. "I'm not." I whisper. "Why would I be mad?"
    He bites his lower lip then shrugs. "I don't know, maybe you regret it or…" He trails off and closes his eyes.
    "I don't." Do I? "Don't be sad because of me." I tell him. "And if you're sad, talk to me. Always talk to me. I always wanna know what's going on in that beautiful mind of yours."
    He gulps, biting his lip, nodding, then opens his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Then…" He gulps again. "Since you were never mad, I… I want to ask you something."
    I smile and nod. "What's up?"
    "I…" He lets go of my hand then folds his hands under his pillow. He lowers his head, sighs deeply and remains quiet for a moment. It feels like it's a long time because I'm curious about what he'll ask. "Hyung…" He raises his head, looks into my eyes and smiles gently. "Will you be my boyfriend?"
    His question surprises me. It kind of spooks me. It's yet another thing to bring me back to reality. Boyfriend. Dating a man. It feels way more realistic than what Kihyun and I have been doing all these months. I'm speechless. I don't really know what to say. I can see the panic in his eyes when I don't answer his question but I still don't say anything, I just keep staring at him. I can't say yes and I'm scared to say no, I wish there was another option, so I don't answer, I just kiss him. I kiss him so hard and don't stop, I don't give him a second to question it or to think about anything but my lips on his and my hands on his body, anything but my lips on his cock and my fingers on his nipples, my fingers in his hole and my lips on his once again. I make him come with my mouth and my hands about three times then he falls asleep without saying a word. When I wake up the next day I leave before he wakes up.
    I'm panicking. Why am I panicking? I'm such a coward. I love him, don't I? Why couldn't I just say yes? I want to be with him. Why do I have to be so scared? Why can't I just let go of all this self loathing? Why do I feel the need to please God and all the people in my life? Why do I always put people's needs before mine? Why does my mind have to torture me with so many thoughts? With so much guilt? Is it the devil? Why won't it leave me alone?
    I call in sick at work. I feel nauseous and anxious. I go to my parents' house, straight to my room, then kneel in bed and pray. Praying doesn't help, it only makes me feel worse. But it makes me wonder… What is bigger? My love and dedication for God or my love for Kihyun? My hatred towards myself or my love for Kihyun? The desire to be perfect, to be a man people look up to, to be what God and religion want me to be, or my love for Kihyun?
    Maybe my love for Kihyun is bigger, so big it scares me. The idea of being with him is scary. I'm so used to my life, the thought I might have to leave it behind to be with him is scary. Knowing I'll defy, disrespect and betray God even further is scary. And I'm a coward.
    I take a short nap in my room and when I wake up I rush to the kitchen to get something to eat. "You're here?" My mom calls me from the kitchen when I come down the stairs. "Why aren't you at work?"
    Walking into the kitchen, smiling at her and running my fingers through my hair, I reply "I felt a bit sick this morning." then approach her and hug her tightly, caressing the back of her head.
    "What happened?" She asks, cupping my cheeks, looking worried. "Should I take you to the hospital?"
    I shake my head, smiling. "I'm okay now." I reply. "I took some medicine and prayed for a bit. I'm all good."
    "Are you sure?" She frowns and puts her hands on her waist.
    I nod, smiling. "I'm sure. I'll head to work after lunch."
    "Son Hyunwoo… I don't want you passing out at work or… or driving or…"
    "Eomma… I'm alright. Don't worry, okay?"
    She sighs, shaking her head. "Don't request such silly things. You know I always worry about you, my baby." She squeezes my cheeks, pouting and I chuckle, shaking my head to stop her from squeezing them.
    "I'm okay. Just… a bit hungry."
    "Lucky you I just finished making lunch."
    My father arrives right after my mom and I set the table. We sit down to eat together. I feel peace when I'm with my parents, just sitting and eating with them in silence makes me happy. It is different, but it can be compared to the peace I feel when I'm with Kihyun.
    "Hyunie, you gotta come home more often." My father says. "I feel like I barely see you these days."
    "Yeah, I… work and church and…"
    "Kihyunie?" Mom asks with a small smile.
    "We hung out yesterday." I tell her. "But we haven't hung out much lately." Father looks at me with a raised eyebrow, like he knows something, it's a familiar look. I lower my head and sigh.
    "Did something happen?" My mother asks. "Did you two have a fight?"
    I shake my head. "I've been busy with work, that's all."
    "Well, don't work too hard." Father says. "Work shouldn't come before the people you love, don't forget it."
    "I know." I whisper.
    "Oh, by the way, we were thinking we should go see grandma for seollal." Mom says.
    "Sounds good." I say. "Count me in."
    "You can bring Kihyunie if you want." Mother tells me. "We can ask his father."
    I purse my lips and nod.
    We chat about family matters, church matters, then when it comes dessert my mom brings up a subject I wasn't expecting.
    "Honey, Sanha's mom and I were chatting these days." Mom tells me, smiling.
    I look at her wide eyed. Does Sanha really know about Kihyun and I? Did she tell her mom? Did she tell my mom? "Huh?"
    "Yeah. She told me Sanha really misses you."
    "Oh, she’s…" I clear my throat. "Yeah."
    "Are you two friends still?" She asks.
    "Uh… Kind of. We just… we do church stuff together but we don’t really… we don't really hang out anymore. Not ever since…"
    "Maybe you two should hang out. She still likes you a lot, even after she broke things off. Her mom says Sanha really misses you so maybe… maybe you two can… maybe you can try to get her back… if you want…"
    I shift awkwardly in my seat, gulp then lower my head, avoiding to look at her because this conversation is making me nervous. This is all so sudden. Does Sanha really know something? "I… I’m not sure I…"
    "Or just hang out." She pats my shoulder. "No pressure. I'm just making a suggestion. Just letting you know she misses you." I nod. "You know she’s a bit shy, so..." Mom trails off and shrugs. What? Sanha isn't shy at all. "I don’t think she will talk to you if you don’t talk to her first so you don't have to worry. But according to her mom she has been dying to hang out with you."
    "Ah…" Father pats my back. I raise my head to look at him, he's smiling brightly. "Son Hyun is such a handsome man…" Dad sighs. "Everybody wants you, huh?"
    I chuckle, shaking my head. "It’s not like that."
    "Even the boys adore him." Mom chuckles. Boys? Why is she talking about boys adoring me? What does she know? I'm going crazy. "My son is wanted by all, I’m so proud of him…"
    I chuckle awkwardly. "Thanks, mom."
    After that we move on to another subject thankfully. Mom tells us about a bake sale she's planning, dad tells us about a recovering drug addict he's been mentoring, soon we are done eating and clearing the table.
    After lunch, my father and I sit together on the living room couch to watch some TV and my mom goes out to run some errands. I feel my dad watching me instead of watching what's on the TV but I don't question him, I keep trying to pay attention to the news so I don't have to talk about what I've been feeling. My dad always gets whatever I'm thinking out of me.
    "You don’t have to, you know that?" My father says. I look at him, frowning in confusion. "Sanha. You don't have to hang out with her. You don't have to be with her."
    "What?"
    "You don’t have to prove anything, son."
    I sigh deeply. "I… I know, dad. I just.. I think I should."
    "You think you should?" He sighs deeply, like he's disappointed. "And Kihyunie?"
    "Huh?" My eyes widen. "What… What about him?" He raises an eyebrow and doesn't reply. "Did he… did he talk to you? Did he… did he say something or…"
    "He didn’t." The elder replies. "Last time Kihyunie and I had an actual conversation was when he came over to dinner last month and it was right in front of you."
    I clear my throat and shift uncomfortably on my seat. "Then… I'm not sure what you're trying to say."
    "I know you well, Son Hyunwoo." He says. "You used to talk to me about everything but now…" The man sighs and I sigh too. "But I know you, even if you don't say anything, I know when something is up." I open my mouth to speak but he doesn't give me space to. "Be careful." He says. "The situation you're in… you know how delicate it is. But if you involve two people, it… you could end up hurting someone, son."
    "I know." I tell him. "But I won’t, dad. I won't hurt anyone."
    "Then don't reach out to Sanha if you’re not sure you should. You know what she wants from you and you know you can't give it to her. And you know what Kihyun expects from you. I don’t want to see you hurting someone like you did before."
    I sigh deeply. "How do you know everything?"
    "I love you, son. I pay attention to you, to the things you tell me. When we pay attention, we know everything." I smile at him as he pats my back. "Be careful."
    "I won’t hurt anyone." I tell him. "I've learned from my mistakes and… and everything that went on with Lee Hoseok. I know I… I won't hurt anyone."
    He purses his lips and nods. "I hope not." He tells me with a small smile. "I raised you better than that, right?"
    "Yeah."
    That conversation gives me too much to think about. I can't focus at work, I can't focus at all. My mind is all over the place. I leave work at nine and go straight home, planning to go to bed as soon as I get there.
    When I get home I take a quick shower, eat a protein bar and go straight to bed. Right when I'm falling asleep my phone vibrates. I hope it's Kihyun, he hasn't texted all day. He was probably mad I didn't answer his question. Maybe he's not anymore. Or maybe he is. The text is not from him, it's from Sanha.
SANHA
HI 👋
HYUNWOO
Hello
SANHA
How are you? 😊
HYUNWOO
I'm okay.
SANHA
I'm okay too. 😀
I'm texting because I found out my mom has been saying some stuff to your mom 😂
Did your mom tell you something? 😅
HYUNWOO
She just said you wanted to hang out.
SANHA
Oh 😂
Okay 😁
HYUNWOO
Okay
SANHA
Do you want to?
HYUNWOO
To what?
SANHA
To hang out 😅
Should we get coffee tomorrow morning? ☕
HYUNWOO
I'm not sure if I have time
SANHA
I won't take much of your time, don't worry
Shall we meet at the cafe tomorrow morning then? The one we used to go to, near church.
HYUNWOO
Okay
SANHA
At about eight? I have to be at work at nine.
HYUNWOO
Eight sounds good.
SANHA
See you then 🥰