Fighter-A Phan Story

Chapter Six

Dan no longer slept at night. His senses couldn't handle the fact that Phil was in his bed and so close to him every night. So he'd pretend to go to sleep so that Phil would. While he thought that he was getting better, he wasn't. Dan all of a sudden really hated himself again and had the want to die. So when it was close enough to Thanksgiving, he made plans with his mum to come visit home. He planned on dying there so that Phil couldn't stop him.

And he also didn't want Phil to be the one to find him. He didn't deserve it after all of the times he'd stayed up with Dan all night, trying to convince him that everything was okay. Innocent, kind, caring Phil didn't need to find his best friend dead. And besides, Dan planned to go by hanging himself, not through cuts. His closet in his old room was ideal for it. He wouldn't leave behind a ton of blood, and it was almost impossible to save him. The last time, an attempted overdose and major cuts weren't enough. He'd just cut a little this time and then hang himself.

On the day before he left, he and Phil made a video together, smiling like everything was normal. Like Dan wouldn't be dead in a day.

"Are you alright?" asked Phil that night before they went to bed.

"Yeah," replied Dan. He tried his best not to look at his friend. The sky blue eyes would probably make him change his mind, and he didn't want to.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to go to sleep a little bit later tonight. I've gotta get this video edited and uploaded. Will you get to sleep okay?"

"Yeah," the brunette repeated.

And for once in a long time, Dan actually fell asleep since Phil wasn't there. He could finally breathe and have a regular heartbeat again. He woke up the next morning earlier than he normally would and move lightly so that he wouldn't wake up his friend, who was lying next to him instead of wrapped around him. He grabbed his suitcase and headed out the door without waking Phil to say goodbye. He thought that it was better that way, to leave without a final goodbye and just to leave Phil with the memory of seeing Dan sleeping on the last night of his life.

When he arrived at his old home, Dan checked his phone. There were several text messages and missed calls from Phil. He didn't want to look at them because he didn't want to change his mind. He knew that the older one could change his mind in an instant just by speaking to him.

Dan opened up his suitcase to get out the rope after saying goodnight to his family and making sure that everyone was asleep. Where he left the rope that he was going to use to end his life, there was a note.

Dan,

You look so beautiful sleeping. You look peaceful and at ease. I miss seeing you like this when you're awake. You barely smile anymore, except for maybe that fake one you give when we make a video or when we wake up in the morning.

I found your rope and the razors you somehow got your hands on. You were planning on death, weren't you? You were planning on hanging yourself? That's not the way you want to die, is it? With it touching your neck? You hate when things touch your neck. That rope would uncomfortably rub  against your neck and choke you, cutting off your air in your last moments of life. You can't even stand when I touch your neck, so I don't know why you'd want to go from something touching your neck.

I think that you really want to die a comfortable death. You want to die when you're an old man in your sleep. How peaceful would that be? You say goodnight to any family that you had and drift off to sleep and then you just don't wake up. It's like death by sleeping. It sounds nice, doesn't it? Well, sorry to disappoint you, but you won't go that way anytime soon, so I guess you'll just have to wait.

Until that day comes, I'll just keep an eye on these razors and the rope. I'll keep them in a safe place; don't worry.

You're my best friend. I've saved you twice now, one time I found you dying in your room, the other time, you were  young and depressed. You said that you hated everything about yourself, remember? You told everyone that I saved you. I didn't think that I ever did anything special, but I guess you did. Remember?

"Has anyone ever saved you? (emotionally or physically)"

"Phil?"

I'm sure you remember that. I do.

Go to sleep, Dan. Just think: only about 60 more years of these nights of sleep and then you can leave this world.

Goodnight.

-Phil