Silence

Got stuck... Confused... At eased... But still lost... (10-06-21)

Got stuck... Confused... At eased... But still lost... These pity emotions are what I've been experiencing until now. "Why?" I don't know. I've been asking myself the same question, over and over again. Yes, funny how I couldn't answer that simple question until now. I couldn't blame myself. I couldn't blame my company. I couldn't blame my family. I couldn't blame my situation. I have no one to blame that's why I can't simply move forward and answer that question.

Do you know why people are simply satisfied of what they have, although those cannot even fulfill their happiness? Because, they are poor. They are not fortunate to experience the luxurious things in the world. They cannot do anything even if they want to. They tried to move forward and uplift their status but there are some people, some circumstances which are dragging them down.

Back then, I was wondering how I can encounter the feeling of having an extravagant life. I studied hard, struggling with painful and tiring school works for how many years. I lived a boring life. An introvert whom not even acknowledged or known in school. Although, I've worked my whole life studying and being serious in my studies is all I could do. At last, I graduated. After graduation, I still pulled an all-nighters because I want to pass the board exam. Yes, I did and I've gained a professional name. But that name is still lost...

I thought everything will be alright after studying hard, after graduating, after passing the board exam, however, everything becomes harder. Life in the real world are much harder than I thought.

The pandemic came. Everything I've planned was delayed. I was supposed to find some great opportunities abroad but I couldn't anymore. Our poor situation became poorer. It was if I was blown by a sandstorm. As the eldest child of my family, I became a breadwinner. I was a bit lucky for having a job during these pity and spiteful times. But having a job is what I've got. All my supposed to be travel savings are all spent up from all of our daily expenses, debts, loans, my brother's tuition, etc. It was not enough. Yes, just I said, I couldn't blame my company nor my family for being poor. They all worked hard, much harder than I am. 

For one year and six months, my work is all I cherished because I know, even in this difficult times, I've been living fine, as well as my family, because of this job. I can provide for them, though it's not enough, but we can still get through the days. I thought this is my comfort zone because I have also loved my job, especially my dear students. As time goes by, my anxiety woke me up from comfort. Little did I know, my so called comfort zone has been devoured by a great impediment and everything has changed. My company struggled of these changes and so am I. So, I quit.

It was hard leaving my job but it was all I could do to move forward. But yes, that question lingers in my mind again. "Why?" and another question came, "How?". On a positive note, I keep telling myself, "maybe something's gonna come in my life that is much better than my job." I keep telling myself to move forward but "How?"

How? I couldn't answer it either that's why I'm stuck. My mind is so confuse right now. My friends advised me to seek for a teaching job in private institutions. I tried, but there is no open jobs like that this time around, since the school year has already started. I need to wait a bit more. My relatives suggested to find a government post but it's too risky since the designated place is very far. Universities are hiring teachers but I'm not qualified since I don't have a master's degree yet. I couldn't even afford studying for master's degree yet.

On the other hand, I'm at eased because after quitting, I decided to gain another new opportunity and learning without spending too much money on it. I still didn't waste any time. Also, my family are always supporting me in everything I do. Even my friends are also rooting for my success and it's so nice to hear encouraging words from them. Yes, I'm not too late nor stopped dreaming. I just paused for a moment to breathe but I will still continue to chase my dreams.

But... Is it okay to pause? How am I going to live if I stop working? How am I going to provide my family? How am I going to pay all of my debts? How am I going to be happy?

Got stuck again... Confused... At eased... But still lost...