Silence

Aloof (11-24-21)

Aloof... Distant... Antisocial... Unfriendly... Cold-eyed... Frosty... That's what they say about my personality. Is that a negative thing? Maybe... People who have these kind of character are usually misunderstood. Some may think that these people are usually hard to get along with. Some may think that they are alone and unsociable. Indeed, they are all right. Only those people who are close to them can understand what they are feeling inside. Those people who genuinely give so much attention and understanding, those people who have a real connection to them can only bring out the best in them and find some good things deep in their minds and hearts.

Yes, I was born this way. From the moment I have stepped out in the outside world, I usually don't socialize not because I'm scared nor furious to such people but because I was born as an introvert. I usually get misunderstood, bullied, and even hated by many. I even hated myself for not having friends. I hated myself for not showing any emotions. I hated myself for hiding in the dark. I hated myself for not speaking up. It seemed like no one not even me liked the soul behind this body.

I still remember the litters of tears I've cried on the corner of my room just because of this stubborn insecurities that came flooding whenever I'm exposed to a lot of people. Like, how can they be so carefree and active? How can they be so bright? How can they be so interesting to be with? I wanted to be like them. I wanted to feel those emotions that they are feeling. I wanted to break free and get out of my shell just so I can express what I'm good at. But how can I be like them?

No one can understand what I have been feeling from the time immemorial. I was like a great pretender in showing emotions like being unaffected of what they say about me. I just like to smile though that simple gesture couldn't erase the insecurities building up inside. 

However, life has not been so hard to me as time goes by. Growing up may be hard but not when I met those genuine people in my life. I had friends, whom I could call as my salvation. They saved me from being so distant. They saved me from being lost in the dark. They tried to give me some time and attention that I've been seeking for my whole life. And I let them see the real deal in me. Being so opened to each other is not so hard at all because I know that I can trust them. I know that even at my weakest point, they will not judge me just like how I often think about other people. I was the happiest when I was with them.

For sure, God only knows how our lives has been tangled with each other. We have met for a long time but we weren't actually not close before. Maybe, the time triggered the boundaries between us and let us crossed those thin lines that we put within ourselves. We learned so much things about each other. Our personalities are not even similar but we have a common thing that only us could understand. The compliments and advices that I have received from them are very precious to me. They gave me so much confidence which allows me to show my hidden self. They know how to make me feel better and they also know whenever I feel discouraged or down. It seemed like they have a spy in my being because they can see through me. I was grateful that I met them in my life.

Those were the memories that I've been playing all over again in my system. Those precious moments I had with them are rarely happening this time. Maybe because of the busy atmosphere or maybe because of the unexpected circumstances that are happening in the world right now. Without them, I became aloof again. Just why does this personality doesn't get out of my system?  Just why do I have to suffer the hateful comments about this personality? Why???

People around me are sometimes damaging my confident self. Their hateful judgements and advises are giving me so much pressure to the point that I wanted to burst out and show my vulnerability. It's disrespectful to burst at them because they are older than me so I just kept it to myself and express it though writing. I just want somebody to understand my inner thoughts just like before. I couldn't call my friends just because of this trivial thing that I felt inside because they may think that I'm just overreacting and I don't want to disturb their busy lives.

Honestly, I'm also envious about their busy lives. They have other things they can focus on whenever they are feeling angry or scared or insecure or even lazy. Me, I'm just being so useless this time around. I felt like it's not right to blurt out my immature thoughts because I'm not doing anything that could reciprocate my worth. So I just kept it to myself, avoiding the pressure that I may feel when I talk to my friends because I just end up comparing myself to them.

I thought maybe, I'm not a lucky person because of this personality. I'm not social, and I'm always insecure. Maybe, I was forbidden of some of the good things that life has to offer because I'm not worth it. I just hope that someone in my life could save me again because I don't know I can get through this alone. I've been feeling so lonely and unhappy and I don't want to end up being like this for the rest of my life.