Silence

Feeling Lost (01-16-20)

Two decades is about to pass and here I am still thinking of what lies ahead in my future. In a few days, I'm gonna say goodbye to the 20-year-old me. It was a great spree, being foolish and immature still recollect the younger me. As I looked back, I can easily tell that my life back then contributes to what I am today. It was full of struggles and pains but little did I know, the little successes I've achieved seemed to be paralleled to the gallons of tears that I've shed. Right now, I'm grateful for all those things that happened. Even though there were some regrets and there were still some things that I should have done, I still found the value and consequences of all those decisions. I'm satisfied and happy but there are times that I'm afraid.

Two decades is about to pass and within those short period of time, I got to know myself. I believed that hesitations and fears blocked my decisions, it drive me from doing what I wanted to do. I suffered from inferiorities and I have been discouraged a lot of times before. And yes, I have regrets. I looked back and think of the possible things that should have happened. I looked back and cried because of my wrong decisions. I was so foolish and immature.

Now, I wonder. I wonder how those experiences take me in the future. Are those enough? Did I learned my lessons? I still find those questions difficult to answer. I'm still confused and afraid.

I have seen my batchmates already facing reality. I have seen them being breadwinners of their family. Honestly, I felt envious. They got a job, they can now provide their needs and wants on their own but here I am sitting and thinking and busy watching them. Does it mean I'm a coward?

I have plans, too. I used to picture my future everytime I go to sleep and it was very wonderful. It was like a scene from a movie or a drama that I love to watch. Perfect! Suddenly, I realized it's just a dream. In the morning, I find myself waking up to the same routine.

You know, I just wanted to think with positivity, that everyone has its own path to take so I should stop comparing myself  to others. However, some circumstances and people tried to drive me of the future that they want me to picture, and I find myself going back to being confuse again. There were a lot of juries in my own court but the final verdict lies on me.

Yes, two decades is about to pass yet I'm still going back and forth in finding the right fit for me. When adulting comes to me, I must be ready because it's just the start of a more challenging life ahead. Therefore, I'm seeking guidance from above. Help me God to erase my worries. Guide me to choose the best decision of my life.