Fireproof [l.t]

Chapter 19

"You guys, oh my god!"

I never thought that hearing Ruby squeal nonsense sentences would actually warm my heart. A toothy grin spreads onto my face without any need for prompting, when I see her and Gemma, running towards us. We had just stepped backstage – early to sound check for the first time this tour – and Ruby and Gemma had turned to us, from where they had been standing, trying to take in everything.

We meet them halfway, and when Ruby opens her arms for a hug, I don't hesitate or think, I just wrap my arms around her. Everyone joins in, the boys and Gemma. We've never gone this long without seeing each other, and I never thought that it would actually be such a big deal seeing them again, but god does it feel great.

The hug seems to go on forever, but I don't mind. I actually kind of like it. I don't squirm, I don't grimace, I don't even start sweating and my heart doesn't start racing. I just let myself be held, because it's been so long since it's felt nice for me.

Finally, we pull away, and I don't miss the look that Gemma throws me, part concern, part something that resembles pride. I smile at her, knowing that she's going to want to talk about this later.

"This is all so exciting." Ruby says, spinning on the spot and gazing upwards, taking in everything. "I can't believe that you guys have been doing this for month. What's it been like? You have to tell us everything!"

I don't even roll my eyes at her rambling, I just laugh with everyone else, surprised at how much I've missed the way she never seems to run out of words. Ashton, Luke, and Calum start piping off with their own random favourite moments of the tour, while I listen to them and catch sight of Gemma rushing to be embraced by Michael.

There always used to be a twinge of jealousy when I caught the two of them doing something cute – which was often – jealousy, and sadness and practically just a whole heap of other negative emotions, that always ruined any sort of happiness I felt for them. It's different now. There's no jealousy now, maybe just a slight longing, but there's no more bitterness. Now when I look at them there's just a sense of pride that two of my best friends have found their happiness. 

"What was your favourite part of the tour, D?"

I turn back to Ruby, still smiling about Gemma and Michael. "Uh, I don't know. All of it, I guessed. I liked everything, the travelling, the people, the performing, the fans. I enjoyed everything."

Out of the corner of my eyes I see the boys rolling their eyes and making faces at my pageant answer, but Ruby just smiles and sighs wistfully.

"Ugh, it all sounds like so much fun. I wish I got to come with you."

"I love you Ruby, but if I had to be stuck in that little tour bus with you for even an hour, I would have thrown you out of it while we were driving." Ashton says, and Ruby lunges at him. I watch, laughing, as Ashton runs away from her, and she chases him around backstage. Ashton darts behind workers and equipment, always just evading Ruby, until Calum and Luke grab him, and hold him down so that Ruby has a chance to lay into him.

Gemma sidles up to me while I'm laughing, and while Michael rushes over to join in.

"Hey, you wanna go somewhere quiet?" She asks, smiling at me softly, and I nod in reply, my laugh slowly dying down because I know what she'll want to talk about.

She follows me outside, and we walk in silence until we're sitting in the same little spot of green grass that Louis and I had sat only a few hours before. I blush as I think of the conversation we'd had, of what he'd told me, and I duck my head down and stare at the grass so that Gemma doesn't notice.

There are a few seconds of silence after we sit, it's not awkward or anything, more like a moment of preparation. I speak first, lifting my head up. "How have you been? How's everything here?"

"Good, everything's been really good. Nothing new since the last time we talked." We'd had several phone calls and face time chats throughout the tour – weekly at least, sometimes almost daily – where I would tell her everything going on tour (even if Michael had already told her) and she would update me on everything going on with her. Very rarely did we talk about anything deeper than that, I think she didn't want to bring it up over the phone. "Everything's been pretty normal. I've missed you though."

She smiles at me, a grin that shows off her teeth so much that if I didn't know her, I would've thought she was being insincere. But I do know her, and I smile back just as toothily. "I missed you too. Those guys are a handful, I don't know how you can stand being around Michael 24/7."

"He has his perks." She chuckles lightly, and when the sound falters and the smile seems tinged with sadness, her eyes lock onto mine. "How have you been?"

It's a loaded question, one that would've made me shift and squirm in the past. That would've made me plaster on a false smile and chuckle awkwardly. I still shift a bit at the way Gemma studies me, but the soft smile is real. "I've been alright. There were ups and downs, but I ... I'm okay."

Now Gemma is the one who squirms, and clears her throat, her gaze dropping to the grass briefly, her fingers picking at the blades with only a fraction of the nimbleness that Louis' had. "I know that ... I know that every time I asked you on calls and on text and whatever you always just said you were good, but I was still worried. Cause it's easy to lie over the phone. And Michael told me about what happened last night with – with Johnny."

I take a sharp breath in at the sound of his name, involuntarily and on reflex, and I hate that those two syllables can still send an icy feeling through my chest. I hadn't said anything to Gemma about that moment because I didn't want to worry her when there was nothing she could do, but I should've known Michael would have told her. Gemma pauses for a moment and glances up to study me but when I don't speak, she slowly continues.

"To be honest, I didn't know what you would be like when the tour was over, I didn't even know if you would be able to stick out the whole thing. But something's changed for you. You look ... happier. Stronger, less scared. I missed seeing you like this."

Gemma clears her throat when her voice breaks slightly and smiles at me. I can see tears welling at the bottom of her eyes, and I know that she can see the same in mine.

I knew that I had slowly become more confident and comfortable as the tour went on, but hearing someone else say it, knowing that somebody can see how I've shed my skin, how I've slowly and painstakingly been trying to find my old self, that really makes it feel real. It makes me remember how far I've come and how far I still have to go.

"I'm so happy that I have you in my life." I say, sniffling a little so that I don't start sobbing. I wipe away a stray tear that's run down my cheek. "If you weren't there for me, I don't know if I would've been able to get out. I don't know how I can ever repay you for that." Gemma shakes her head, tears rolling down freely and quietly. I know she wants to say that there's nothing to repay, but I don't let her. I'll always be indebted to her. "But I do know, that as long as I have you in my life, and Ruby, and the boys, I'll always feel whole. You guys are my world."

Gemma smiles, tears still staining her cheeks and glistening in her eyes. "You're such a sap."

A choking laugh comes out of my mouth, as my hands wipe the tears from my face. "Why do you always have to ruin the moment?"

We laugh together for a moment, recovering from the brief moment of honesty we'd shared. This is usually how our deep conversations go. They're short and sweet, and then we act like they never happened. I missed having these brief moments with Gemma, and even though I hate that we were crying, it was cathartic.

"Come on, let's go join the others before they come looking for us."