Safety: A Kanej Story

Safety (A Kanej Fanfiction)

(original chapter dialogue is in bold text) 

She stood in the center of the tile floor, framed by white and gold, like a gilded icon. "What happened to you, Kaz? What happened to your brother?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Tell me. Please."

Tell her, said a voice inside him. Tell her everything. But he didn't know where or how to begin. And why should he? So she could find a way to absolve him of his crimes? He didn't want her pity. He didn't need to explain himself, he just needed to find a way to let her go.

"You want to know what Pekka did to me?" His voice was a snarl, reverberating off the tiles. "How about I tell you what I did when I found the woman who pretended to be his wife-"

"Kaz-"

"-or the girl who pretended to be his daughter."

"I didn't ask about them." That voice again, gentle and patient. Kaz wished she'd raise her voice at him, reprimand him for something, anything. It would be more bearable than having to face her unrelenting goodness.

"Or how about I tell you what happened to the boy who lured us in that first night with his mechanical toy dogs? That's a good one. His name was Filip. I found him running a monte game on Kelstraat. I tortured him for two days and-"

"And how long have you been tortured, Kaz?" Kaz stopped. Inej continued. "How long has your mind been under torment at the hand of Pekka Rollins?"

Since that day in the harbor,  Kaz thought. Every minute of every day since. He could tell her. Maybe speaking the words aloud could relieve some of the pressure building in his head, pounding with the revulsion of skin against his lips. "I do the torturing. Not the other way around."

"But you are tortured, Kaz. Beneath the revenge that keeps the memories hidden, it's there. Your own mind keeps you under scourge."

"Pekka Rollins is my scourge. His torture is my release."

"His torture is how you distract yourself from the fact that nothing can bring your brother back."

Something vicious awoke deep within Kaz. She had no right to speak of Jordie. 

But if she didn't, who did?

"Don't mention my brother," he had meant to scream, but there was no hiding the falter at the end of his voice. He ran a trembling hand through his hair.

"And from how you feel like nothing can ever be set right in your own mind."

"I'm perfectly capable of keeping my mind under control," Kaz shouted. "It may never be set right but at least-"

"At least what?" Inej countered, voice steady as ever.

"At least it's kept me alive!" His grip on the floodgates of the past slipped through quivering fingers. "At least it's kept me alive when Jordie wasn't able to." Kaz flexed his hand against the cold marble wall and felt his brother's skin. "When we were ran into the ground by that bastard Jakob Hertzoon," Kaz spit the name with venom, "and left for the rats, at least I was able to get myself out. When I woke up on Reaper's Barge, dead as can be, surrounded by..." His voice trailed off and he shuddered as he keeled over.

"Kaz?" Inej took a step forward. He held up a shaking hand.

"At least I had sense enough to get myself to shore." His breath was coming in rapid bursts, now. "And at least it's kept me alive since."