Ink / Draco Malfoy (18+)

"I wish I could hate you."

"I wish I could hate you."

__________

The sun slowly moved over the trees in front of us, gently shedding some light on that old porch we were sitting on. I pushed my feet further to level his, so the sunlight would reach both of us. Draco pulled the sleeves of his sweater down, until his palms were almost entirely wrapped in it,

"Are you cold?", my fingers moved over the bare skin on my bruised leg, trying to hide how nervous I was. My heart started beating faster as I waited for an answer, but nothing.

He leaned back with a sigh, crossing his feet on the stained wood in front of us.

"I don't get it.", he mumbled, and it sounded like he was saying it to himself.

"What?"

I looked over to him, but his eyes were staring straight ahead- away from me. A light breeze met his face, the blonde hair started dancing on his forehead as he closed his eyes,

"Why are you still here?"

I swallowed thickly as I hugged my knees tightly. Something in me ached from that question, from the way he still made me feel unwelcome after all this time,

"Do you want me to leave?", I muttered into the wind that twirled around us. I didn't want to leave, I could have spent a lifetime on this porch in the middle of nowhere just to be with him a little longer.

His lips were pressed into a firm line, he inhaled deeply as if he was fighting for the strength to say something. I pressed the palms of my hands against the ground as I prepared to leave, and he seemed to notice,

"No-", his sight lowered onto his feet, that were now entirely covered in sunlight, "That's the thing. I never wanted you to leave."

His tone was low, I could tell how hard it was for him- allowing himself to need another person. He stayed silent after that, even though I needed him to speak so desperately- to hear something from his lips that truly made sense.

"Then why did you make me leave?", I looked at him from afar, the distance between us grew, "Why did you do all this if you never wanted me to leave?"

"You don't understand.", he whispered into the foggy air, but I couldn't find any patience.

"That's the point, Draco.", his eyes met mine for the first time since I got there, "I don't understand any of this and I'm so sick and tired of getting hurt. You have no idea how much pain you caused, with every mean word and every act of violence.",

I couldn't bring myself to look at him as my eyes started glistening, "I never wanted to leave, but I did because you told me to, over and over again. Hell, I don't even understand myself for letting you do all this."

It was torturous, making myself vulnerable again, but I had never told him how I felt,

"I know you're used to it- pushing people away I mean.", the sunlight started spreading over our knees, "That's the only version of you people get to see, this cruel and heartless boy. And I always hated you for being that, but it hurts to know that this isn't all of you. I started seeing a different person, a good heart, and somewhere along the way I caught myself falling for those parts of you."

I noticed how he was still looking at me, and his silence made me realize how much weight fell of me as I spoke those words,

"I just-", I squeezed my eyes shut because I knew how much I would hurt myself by saying that, "I just wish I could hate you again."

It was only after that sentence, that I could bring up the courage to look into his eyes, but he had already turned away again, slowly nodding.

"I know."

He knew.

"I don't know how to fix this Liv.", he said bluntly, "You know, I don't really like myself. I don't know how to look into a mirror and like what I see, I never understood how people can do that."

I watched him carefully, I studied every muscle on his face, every twitch in his lips as his voice softened,

"I don't know how to treat people kindly, no one ever really taught me how to do that. But then I look at you, and you-", he held his breath to find the right words to say,

but I didn't want him to say the right words, I wanted him to be honest with me.

"What?"

He moved forward to place his restless hands on the soft fabric of his pants, warming his fingers in the sunlight,

"You feel so real. You never made fun of me for being myself, you never really judged me for being rude.",

Some leaves fell into his lap, and he gently brushed them away before folding his arms over his chest,

"I just hate myself a little less when I'm with you.", he muttered quietly, almost fearfully. My lips parted as those words dropped from his lips- and it all made sort of sense to me.

Draco never learned how to treat himself with kindness, he grew up in cruelty.

He learned how to tear things apart, to burn them down. But he had no idea how to fix something, how to make things whole again.

Draco never apologised, he just pushed people away up to the point where an apology wouldn't be enough anymore.

"I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry."

My lips arched into a warm smile, and I hoped he wouldn't see it,

"You told me you didn't care about me, Draco, that I was just a stupid girl you fu-"

"Don't say that.", he cut me off harshly, making my eyes snap to him- his arms were now covered in sunlight as well,

"I didn't mean it. I had to say that to keep you safe from him, and I failed miserably."

"Sam?",

"Sapphirus. Yes.", he chewed on his bottom lips as he furrowed his brows, "I told you our families know each other."

"What does it have to do with your family?", I asked carefully. He was so close to telling me the truth, but the way he spoke confused me even more,

"My father expects me to serve the dark lord, to fully submit myself to him. To kill people and destroy lives- they want me to become a monster.", his eyes were now glistening in tears, he was so close to falling apart,

"And they noticed that something was distracting me, they assumed there was a person keeping me from fully giving myself up for him. It was you all along.",

my heart skipped a beat, and the silence became unbearable inbetween his words,

"They ordered Sapphirus to keep an eye on me, and to-", he paused for a second, clenching his jaw, "to remove the person that is distracting me- to kill them so I could fully become what they wanted me to be."

His eyes fluttered closed, and he slowly opened them to meet mine,

"His job was to kill you. And the only way to keep you safe was to push you away, even though I didn't want to.",

the cloudy sky turned into a blue one as the sun was rising further, and we were still alone. The light was now reflecting on his light blonde hair, and I felt it on my cheeks.

"All I ever wanted was to keep you safe.",

I could tell he was being honest as my eyes met his stare, and suddenly I wasn't cold anymore.

__________

Hello my loves, I thought I could fit this whole conversation into one chapter, but I will leave it for now. The next chapter will be published within the next 3 days <3