Before Us | Dazai X Chuuya

One • Things Are Easy To Hide

"Kill me, Chuuya."

• • •

Toxicity was never mentioned when it came to the relationship of the duo infamously known as soukoku. Why would anyone want to show their relationship as anything but perfect? In the end, whatever goes on behind the scenes can be brought to light at any given time, and for these two people, they've hid things surprisingly well.

Fifteen, they met—not like some classic movie where one of the characters comes stumbling into the others arms. No, it wasn't anything like that actually. And they find it hard to believe that they had even grown a liking towards each other when they shared their first kiss.

Warm and soft, as these were not common words that you would hear inside a Mafia—the Port Mafia, to be exact. But for them, those were the only words that could describe the moment they shared when they had their first kiss. Endless bickering now, seven years later, would always end in something good.

To be fair, Dazai and Chuuya hadn't experienced much good in their life to begin with. In a world full of bloodshed, in a world that was built upon them, good wasn't a term that came easily. Seven years later, Dazai sits on the highest floor of the Port Mafia, waiting for Chuuya to come to the Boss's office.

His office.

Maybe—and they do—still look back and wonder how they managed to not only pull through all of the pain around them, but the pain that they had given each other.

When they first met, Chuuya had always been fond of killing Dazai, but he wouldn't let anyone else lay a finger on him. It was like, Chuuya was protecting him because he thought that only he was allowed to do something like that.

One night, maybe when they were seventeen, Chuuya had first let the words slip from his mouth. He never intended for them to, but when he's pressed against Dazai, being held in his arms, three words can easily slip out. "I love you," he whispers. Dazai tenses up, eyes widening, and he's scared that he might start panicking—

But he can't let Chuuya see him like that. He'd think it's pathetic, wouldn't he? But does someone that loves you say that your panic attacks are pathetic? Dazai isn't too sure. Maybe it is stupid, but don't blame Dazai for being raised by Mori of all people. He had never heard such words, never thought that those words could be used for a person like him. That pounding in his chest is breaking him and—

"I love you," Dazai whispers back, throat strained by pressure that isn't being physically added. Chuuya reaches up—he curses himself for being short, but Dazai thinks the height difference is cute—pressing his lips against Dazai's.

Warm and soft, as usual.

And every time Dazai does get any sort of physical touch from Chuuya, his mask breaks, and it's not too long until Chuuya manages to chip it all away, revealing a Dazai that isn't hiding himself.

One of their first major arguments, one that will never leave either one's head, happened when they were around sixteen. They were still figuring things out between them. Early on in this new relationship of theirs, it was overwhelming from time to time.

"What the fuck? This isn't the time, Dazai. I don't want to deal with you," Chuuya yells, voice bouncing off the walls of his own room. "That's not my fault!" Dazai yells back, sliding some of Chuuya's things onto the floor, "if you think that's my fault, you're losing your mind." And Chuuya is losing his mind—

"Are you seriously trying to manipulate me, right now?!" Chuuya says, furrowing his brows in confusion as he throws one hand up. Dazai almost has the nerve to ask if it's working. "Where'd you get that idea from? I'm telling you to open your damn eyes and see that you have no reason to be angry at me."

Neither one of them knows how they even made up from this. How they brushed this whole situation off and still stayed with each other.

"I—I shouldn't be mad?!" Chuuya stutters, leaning forward because he can't believe what he's hearing, "You're insane, Dazai!" Dazai rolls his eyes in annoyance, "You're acting like I don't know that, but I don't get why you're yelling at me when really, it should be the other way around."

"I don't want to deal with you," Chuuya says, inhaling sharply as he tries to calm himself down, but it doesn't work, "what the hell are we, Dazai?!"

Dazai takes a step back, "I think you should ask yourself that question." He stares at him, eyes seemingly bored, like he'd rather be anywhere else. Chuuya furrows his eyebrows again in anger, "Are you serious? You look like you don't even wanna be here!" Dazai smiles at him, pretending like they aren't in this situation, "I am serious, and yes, you should ask yourself that. Putting the blame on me isn't going to work, and saying that you don't want to deal with me isn't going to either."

Chuuya bursts. "Whatever, Dazai, go fucking kill yourself, I can't deal with you, and I mean it," he yells at him. When the sight of Dazai's smile—even if it was fake—falls down into a thin line, his eyes turning lifeless, Chuuya regrets everything. He wants to go back in time and stop himself from saying that.

Dazai stares at him dully, and in what seemed like frozen time, Chuuya hears footsteps. He's walking away from Chuuya, he walks right past him, and it's as if the coldness of Dazai's body is freezing him.

"No, wait, I didn't mean it," Chuuya urges, stumbling on his own feet and grabbing Dazai's hand. He's hoping that Dazai will turn around and face him, forgive him even if it's hard to forgive someone who's said something like that. He wants Dazai to look at him like how he normally does.

Instead, Dazai pulls his own hand off of Chuuya's, not sparing a single glance at him.