Before Us | Dazai X Chuuya

Two • To Go Back In Time

Instead, Dazai pulls his own hands off of Chuuya's, not sparing a single glance at him.

• • •

It feels as if Dazai's walking away so slowly, and yet Chuuya still feels like he can't reach him. Desperately, Chuuya reaches his hand back out, getting a firmer grip on Dazai's hand, and Dazai turns around. "What?" Dazai spits out, and the coldness of his voice makes Chuuya feel like there's a weight on him, "are you gonna tell me that you wanna watch me die too?" God, no, he doesn't, he doesn't want Dazai to do anything.

Chuuya's mind is all over the place and he isn't sure what he's supposed to do—

So he simply leans up, pressing his lips against Dazai's out of pure desperation for him to stay. He stays still, and Dazai stares at the wall in front of him, arms hanging loose by his sides as he does absolutely nothing in return. Chuuya presses harder, and he's scared of opening his eyes now. Even behind closed eyelids, his eyes feel painfully strained, and his chest feels heavy with guilt.

And it only hurts more when Dazai doesn't do anything. He can't say that he was expecting him to, but it still worries Chuuya that Dazai might never forgive him after this.

Which he shockingly did. Chuuya still looks back at all this in shame, but they can both still say that they have grown, even if they aren't the greatest of couples—but they sure make it seem like they are.

Chuuya pulls back, and his hands had moved their way to Dazai's chest in the process. He looks up at him, and Dazai stares back, eyes looking almost red out of anger. "Why the fuck did Mori make us partners," he says, it's not said as a question, and he doesn't move from his place, and Chuuya assumes that he wants an answer. "I—" Chuuya chokes, "please— just don't leave. I didn't mean it, I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry—"

"How does that just slip out, Chuuya?! Out of all people, I thought you'd be a little more understanding after I let you see me without these stupid bandages," Dazai yells, and Chuuya winces a little because he didn't expect Dazai's volume to change all of a sudden. "I was mad— and I'm sorry. You trusted me, and I know it was fucked up to say that," Chuuya replies, taking his hands off of Dazai.

"Do you even want me?"

What...?

Dazai's voice is painfully soft and Chuuya believes that it's genuine. And he is being genuine, he wants an answer from Chuuya because he's now doubting himself. Chuuya's heart aches in his chest. "Of course, I do," he replies, trying to match the softness in Dazai's voice. "Please...I—I need you, Dazai." It makes Dazai's brain stop, the small change of words hits him so hard—

He also had needed this reassurance ever since they had gotten together—which wasn't too long ago, but it felt like ever since they met each other, they've had a special bond. At fifteen, Chuuya would repeatedly tell Dazai that he would kill him one day, and Dazai always shrugged it off. But he understood that Chuuya could if he had really wanted to. Maybe not with his ability, but physically, yeah, Chuuya could do that anytime he wanted.

"I can't handle another change between us, Chuuya," Dazai whispers, and all of sudden the atmosphere from before has disappeared completely. It happens often, they could go from arguing, on the verge of leaving the other, to back to what they think is normal. In the Mafia, you don't know how certain things are supposed to be, you just assume that you're doing things right. But Dazai and Chuuya know that so many arguments frequently isn't normal, but they don't let anyone other than themselves see that part of their relationship.

Chuuya's head falls onto Dazai's chest, "I didn't mean it. I'd never want that."

"Okay..." Dazai exhales, and he's trying his best to forgive him, because he doesn't like seeing Chuuya like this either. His hands are still shaking by his sides. It hurts more when someone you thought would understand hits you with words like that, even if it was out of pure anger. Dazai never cared when it was someone else, he was told that often when he was younger, and because of that, he simply assumed that no one wanted him.

But when it's from Chuuya? God, it hurts.

Chuuya looks up, and Dazai stares back, but only this time, Dazai leans in. He lets Chuuya kiss him properly without the fear of Dazai being mad. So when he sees Chuuya's eyes screwed shut, he opens his own, dully staring straight ahead but still kissing him back.

"Will you stay here?" Chuuya asks, voice starting to sound a little more firm again. Dazai looks around the room, "Yeah."

It isn't the first time they've stayed in the same room, but Chuuya felt the need to ask today. Once they're both lying down on the bed, lights off, and starting to fall asleep. Chuuya remembers that—

Dazai would've easily done what Chuuya had told him to, without a second thought.

And that is the most frightening part of it all.

Dazai didn't sleep that night, he occasionally looked over to his side to see if Chuuya was asleep, or he'd stare at the ceiling, maybe even play with his bandages a little. Every night feels like a bad dream, but he wouldn't say that any of it is Chuuya's fault. He knows how much of an awful person he is, and as much as he tries to fix himself—claiming that there is good in people, in the world—it never works because someone always proves him wrong.

A/N: surprise? I know I said I wouldn't update till Chances was complete, but I've changed my mind