Not Likely

Sober Realizations

Who knew that making coffee can distract you?

I got to know it through experience.

The smell of coffee was the only thing that brought me back to reality.

What the fuck have I done?

What the hell is going on?

Fuck. I am too drunk.

Standing alone in the kitchen, without her next to me, I started to come back to normalcy.

I had no explanation for the last 24 hours. Nothing. I don't know why I walked away from the Luxury meeting. I don't know why my feet led me to the conference room I had more or less fled from, to see it empty. I don't know why I went to the garden.

Actually I do. I went to look for her.

And when I found her there, laughing on the phone with someone else, her pale, pinched face lighting up as a reaction to whatever the guy on the other side said, I just didn't know what came over me.

I wanted her to know that life isn't just about guys who talk funny things for five minutes on the phone.

I wanted her to forget the thought of the guy. I wanted her to more or less erase his existence from her life.

I don't know why I spent 40 minutes of the only break I had in my day with her. I had no reason to. She wouldn't even look at me. She seemed to be trying hard not to.

So was I. But I couldn't resist spending time with her, or watch the way her eyes would narrow as she listened to someone speak, or the way her fingers would drum exactly three times on her book before she would suggest an idea, or the way her hair would stand up in messy ends after she runs her fingers through it, or her spikey little remarks and insolent eyerolls or the graceful swoop of her neck, or her lower lip that was fuller than the upper one-

Okay, that was enough.

The question of the hour was this; Why was it so effortless to spend time with her? Why did I care if she got over her idiotic ex or not? It has no relevance for my life. I don't have to care about anything unless it affects her work here. So why was I waiting, unnecessarily anxious to hear her answer?

Why did I relax when she said she no longer missed him?

Fuck.

Mom and Dad.

Didn't see that coming. Their interest in her was surprising.

I was supposed to meet her for the rest of the day. I tried to ignore the feeling of excitement at the thought of uninterrupted hours with her.

Hearing her grumpy remarks and her never-ending retorts.

Watching her pull her hair up to a top knot before she focuses on something important; this time, it would be me.

Just her and I. Talking. Sure, she'd have questions, but no stupid office work or work call can disturb us.

It was concerning how much I looked forward to for that, so I chose to dismiss it immediately.

It's nothing. Its free time.

Free time that I got by cancelling five meetings, but that was nothing.

He and Mom were sitting in my cabin, waiting for me to come back so that they could tell me what they thought of her.

I went with the text-book answer that I tell myself when she calls my name and I feel a kick in my stomach. "There's nothing going on", I said shortly.