My Name is What?

A True Monster

Raoul changed.

It's been nearly six months into our engagement and Raoul has shown me his true colors. I never wanted to become engaged to him. I don't want to marry him or live the rest of my years with him. I do, truly, love Raoul. But not like this.

I never actually said yes to his proposal. I couldn't bring myself to say yes or no. Both being that I didn't want to make him or others upset. But I didn't love him like how he loved me. He was like a brother to me, who helped me feel connected to my father. So I stayed silent and cried which he assumed was a yes.

He gave me a beautiful ring that surely cost a fortune but I never put it on my hand. Raoul knew I was still frightened of the Ghost so I put it on a chain and wore it as a necklace. The cool silver felt like it burned my skin, as if it were a sign that I shouldn't be doing this.

Of course everyone who found out, including Madame Giry and Meg, were so happy for me. But I never showed enthusiasm or love back. I simply smiled and brushed off the topic. It bothered me too much.

Of course throughout all of this, I had to meet his family and press. The De Chagny family is very wealthy and famous, so it automatically means we have to have our private lives in the paper. I moved into his home so we could learn to live together and better prepare ourselves for the future.

This is where the true monster came out.

Raoul was a pig and disgusting man. He hated the arts and never let me sing. He only became the patron when his father asked him, thinking they needed to branch out their business to other forms. He went out all of the time to drink and be with friends instead of me. He didn't drink that often, but when he did he was 10 times worse then when sober.

Sober, he would come home and expect me to be this seductive woman, only there to be his sexual care giver. When I wasn't acting the way he wanted me to, which was always, he would grab me by the hair and throw me to the wall. He would yell and tell me how horrible I was and that I would make a horrible wife. Bruises and bumps littered my skin and when I left to the Opera house, I wore long sleeved clothing and as much make up as I could to cover it all up.

Drunk nights he would bring home other women and make me sit and watch. He would make it as rough and grotesque as possible.

"Learn from the best," he would say to me, "but just know when it happens I won't be thinking about you."

 After it was over he let me leave and I would go to my single room and cry myself to sleep.

At the Opera house, I became distant and never spoke to anyone. Even with Meg I spoke very little. She became so worried and when I wouldn't want to speak she would get her mother to try and speak to me. But I refused. No one could know what was happening. So my only option was to stay quiet.

The death of Joseph Buquet made everyone more afraid then ever of the Phantom. Everyone called him a monster and wanted him dead. I however only wanted to speak and be with him.

The night I met him, I never felt so much happiness or joy. He understood me and I him. We shared similar passions and he knew me better than anyone. My thoughts often drifted to him and only him.

What used to be short and simple conversations was no more. No one heard from him ever since that night. My constant beatings and now never seeing my Angel put me in a strange depression. It was becoming deeper and I knew it.

I haven't even touched an instrument. I never made music anymore. I would go to my dressing room where I knew I could be alone and cry. I needed him. It felt like half my soul and heart was taken from me. The feeling was excruciating and I only had one answer behind this. There was one week until the end of the year and the managers thought of the idea to hold a Masquerade Ball in honor of the new year but also of 6 months without the Phantom.

This only made me think of my feelings toward him and horrible possibilities that can happen at this party. I just couldn't bring myself to say it yet. Not until we spoke again, if we were ever to speak again. My dreams became more vivid as well, taunting images that Raoul displayed or seeing Erik speaking to me in a way that looked like he wanted to hurt me. I never felt so out of touch with reality before, and it scared me wondering what would happen at this ball. 

I only hope my angel will be there.