Bebe, a body & the tub of PVA glue.

All in a Day's Work

Bebe couldn't believe their luck. It was only their first day on the job, and they'd immediately been left alone with their very own dead body.

It was true that they'd said they had experience with this sort of thing. But that's just what you're meant to do, right? Whatever you're asked in an interview you say you can do it. Then, if you actually get the job, you just learn it later. What else is YouTube for?

But this now seemed very different. For one thing, Mrs. Trott was staring straight at her. Unblinking. But for another, they'd only been offered a provisional trial - a two week chance to show they could do the job. There was nothing for it: Bebe would have to try.

And anyway, how hard could it be? Bebe was the proud owner of a silver blue Peter badge! And they'd bought a gold one off Ebay. They could do this.

Wait... That was an idea... the Blue Peter team had done everything over the years. From Tracy Island to pencil cases made from your dad's old socks. Maybe they'd done this too?

Twenty minutes of Googling later, Bebe had everything they needed: a paint brush, a tub of pva glue and a clothes peg.

Clothes peg firmly on the nose, Bebe set to work stripping poor Mrs. Trott. They hadn't been too sure what to expect really, but it quickly seemed like the most natural thing to do in the world. After all, her son was coming that afternoon to pay his final respects and there was no way he wanted to do that with his mother in her nightie. No son needs to see their mother in a top with 'juicy' stamped across the chest.

Once stripped and washed, Bebe dried the body with a hairdryer casually as they watched a video of Konnie Huq demonstrating the perfect paint brush technique. Admittedly Konnie was varnishing a chest of draws covered in cuttings from The Beano, but it's the technique that matters.

Bebe swore and turned their attention back to Mrs. Trott as a disgusting smell suddenly filled the basement. Bebe had become so engrossed in the cartoons and trying to remember the particular Gnasher story, that they'd forgotten to keep moving the hairdryer. But it was fine - surely the son wouldn't be looking close enough to notice singed pubes?

The body dry and technique learned, Bebe set to work with the brush. They decided to start from the feet up. After all, then they could just pretend they were doing her nails. There was nothing creepy about that. They already had a very nice blue tint to them too and the PVA really made the colour shine.

For the next hour or so Bebe got quite transfixed by the work. The pelvic area offered the first of the obstacles, but Bebe was a professional and just kept going. After all, there was no shame in death. And certainly no shame in anything going on down there. After some initial hesitation and a swap to a more delicate brush, Bebe just shrugged and returned to the largest one and slapped it on. So long as they kept spreading the glue evenly and smooth, then science would surely do the rest.

As Bebe took a quick break to select the next album (moving from The Black Parade to The Chronicles of Life and Death), they were delighted to see the glue had started to dry in the cold of the basement and had sealed everything shut. As they inspected a little closer, like any artist must, they were amazed to discover that there was a definite difference already. While the top half of Mrs. Trott had a distinctive dead sort of aura to it, the bottom half was shining in the lights of the room. There was even a dramatic shift in sensory experience with the top half having a not completely unpleasant but very definite whiff of body to it, while the bottom portion smelt nostalgically pleasing of arts and crafts.

A further two hours later and the job was done: Mrs. Trott was a little sticky to the touch, but radiant in glue.

Just as Bebe had finished struggling to re-dress the body (it's not like the clothes were ever going to removed again anyway), there was a shout from the doorway as their boss returned.

Sadly, that was Bebe's only day as a crematorium assistant.