Never Have I Ever: Season 3

Part 3

She sits in Paxton’s car, gazing out the window, a blur, a shine of lights dancing along the glass screen… the cars passing by in the dark night, blaring their lights, making her feel as though she could fall deeper into thoughts of him… Ben. If she never looks up, then maybe Paxton would never tell how her eye's are swimming with so many thoughts at the moment… a whirlpool of thoughts he could easily see that things were changing, swirling around on her mind.
She feels a heaviness in the pit of her stomach… guilt she thinks… because Paxton was not a bad boyfriend she knows… but Ben… there was something about him… something that she had felt clueless to, that she could never put her finger down on. He had seemed to sense exactly when she had needed him… and he seemed to be there… knowing exactly what she needed. Ben had been there for her on multiple occasions… and just thoughts of how he had looked out for her could make her feel so astounded.
She needs to die down these thoughts of Ben, though… Paxton is sitting right here next to her in his car… but her mind… she can’t fight it… were being more than stubborn… wanting only to remind her of how he had held her under his umbrella in the rain… how he had looked at her whilst she were on stage… then all coming back to thoughts of how he had made her feel about him when she had kissed him in Malibu…
Paxton lets his eyes wonder over Devi as he drives, stealing glimpses of her now and then. He wonders why she had been so silent since he had picked her up from outside the school parking lot. She had barely even looked at him…
They were headed for Trent's party. Apparently a rager that has be going on since earlier that evening.
She had just finished her performance, Paxton had been waiting outside in the school carparking lot inside his car, ready to pick her up, right on time.
Earlier, she had been dwardling outside on the school's front footsteps with Ben, after they had walked together from the auditorium once the performance had ended… his hands buried deep in his pockets, his eyes unusually shy, alittle anxiously on hers, constantly flickering away… she knew he was feeling something for her… something maybe… big?…she questions, as she reads how he had been acting around her…
But what she doesnt know is how Ben does try pushing down how he feels… he knew she were still with Paxton… and that complicates the hell out of things… even if what he feels intensely beats in his blood… intensely beats to his head…
He wonders if this will all end with another severe terrible heartbreak… one, he wonders, he'll ever be able to recover from.
These were all moments she had with him before she would give him one last look… then disappear into the darkened night and climb away into Paxton's car…
The hurt in his eyes…
Her heart pierced with pain… torturous and deep… watching on as he stood there hurting once again…
Even if he had tried so hard to put on a face, shove down his emotions… hide away his hurt as if he could shove it down into a bottle and screw it up closed, only to let it out once she had gone… he thinks Devi could see through him.
Once again, Ben watches on as she had left and driven away with someone else…
“Are you ok?” Paxton question, side glimpsing at her, creases of worry on his forehead, whilst he had come to some lights and comes to a stop. Her thoughts are broken, and she quickly looks up at him.
Ofcourse he would ask, she had been so silent most of this trip… how dumb could she be, she thinks quickly to herself. Ofcourse he would start to sense something were wrong… and she wonders how she could even hide how she feels now?… or if she even should… Her mind feels heavy, burdened with indecision.
He suddenly clears his throat, his eyes remain on her, narrowing on to what may be hidden behind them. He suddenly lets out a heavy sigh, rolling his eyes lightly… tired. He sets a hand on the steeling wheel firmly, looking away.
‘Was t-that Ben… you know, outside with you? I didn’t know he played… you know, in the band.”
He questions, feeling annoyed.
“Y-yeah. N-no.” She stammers quickly, feeling her heart rate pick up. “He just happened to showed up.” It's half the truth, Devi knows, feeling more guilt pit in her already heavy stomach. It now churns, feeling sick.
Paxton purses his lips, feeling as though she werent being honest with him. He sighs heavily again, turning to her.
“Why was he there, Devi?” He questions firmly, more seriously, the suspicion building in his eyes. Devi knows he deserves more, but her mind were severely clouded… she really didn’t know how to answer his question, and so she only lightly shrugs looking away too.
“You know why I didnt come. It's not like I didnt want to be there… if it wasnt for your mum… I would have watched you perform. And we both agreed on that.”
“I know Paxton.” She groans, feeling tired and irritated. But then she turns toward him. “But I think if you made a little more of an effort… you would have known… that maybe I needed you there. You would have turned up anyway. You don’t seem to see that. Today was hard for me. And how could you not see that?”
He groans, suddenly finding himself pulling over to the side, finding a spot next to the curb. He sighs heavily again as he parks and pulls the breaks. He runs a hand over his face, purely frustrated.
“Did you… like… call him?” He questions, turning himself slowly to face her. He waits for her to answer… but her silence is saying everything… everything he needs to know… “Devi! You called him but you didn’t call me? What the hell?” He rasps, feeling his face flush red, feeling himself heat up, infuriated. “Why would you call him? If you need me you need to call me! The fact you would call him is insane!”
She swallows down on the heat rising to her cheeks. Because she cant help how she's starting to feel… her temperature rising… her heart beats faster in her chest… because even though Paxton had been good to her, there was something… something building up inside her… things that she thinks may have even kept her from growing, if she were with Paxton.
And her heart beats differently… her mind had not being able to stop from revolving around Ben… as hard as she tries. She couldn’t fight it anymore… the fact that Ben had started to overtake her mind… how he had started to make her feel…
Ben… the thought of him… how he constantly seemed to know what her heart needed… how it needed to mend…how? It still baffles her… and only him seemed to know her in the intricate details that would put her heart together… knowing exactly what she needed, exactly when… how her heart cries to be mended. The broken pieces in her… had felt like they could finally, potentially fuse… potentially come together… potentially make her heart beat as it use to.
Ben always seemed to be there for her… made her feel like she were alright, like she were not alone, like she would be ok… that she wouldnt fall apart… and that he wouldnt let her. He would be there to hold her… keep her together.
And he made her feel loved. And maybe, she thinks… maybe she were in love with him.
She constantly gravitates back to him… like an object inexplicably orbiting back to him every single time…And though she still loved Paxton, she thinks Ben would never leave her mind…
She turns her attention to him. Her jaw sets, angrily, emotional.
“Paxton. You know that is not fair when you never-”
“What’s unfair Devi is that you called him!” He bites back, not letting her finish.
She glares at him.
“Paxton! You showed zero interest about today. Until, that is, Ben came into the picture. You never even asked how my performance went… you only cared that Ben had been there.”
His eyes furrowed on her, angry but hurt.
“Yeah. I care because it is Ben.”
She gazes at him, frustrated.
“Paxton. This is not about Ben, it’s about you… you never thought twice… Trent and your friends came first-.”
He scoffs, then grunts angerily.
“Never tell me it’s not about Ben.” He growls, cutting her off. “You have no right, Devi. Because for one thing, you know it’s about him.” He says, voice breaking.
A haunting pain casts in her eyes, because she knew what he were referring to… and memories of what she had done… done to him… them… come flooding back… a memory she hates to think on. She cant drag Paxton along like this anymore… she’ll end up hurting him more and more as she does so.
And she feels her heart sinking, deep in her chest… she must be the worst person in the world, she believes… she feels like a monster personified as human, ripping him up… ripping him open… like this again…
But she knows she has no choice… she can’t continue on doing this to him… and her eyes sadden on him and he looks away. His hands grip to the steering wheel, tense and tight.
“Fuck.” he swears under his breath. “Shit.”
Whilst he tries to brunt down whatever were storming around in his head, they both sit inside his car silently for a while. He runs his hands over the side of his face, angered. Destroyed, his eyes loosing hope.
“Paxton-” Devi begins, finding her voice.
“This is us breaking up, isn’t it?” He says, cutting her off again, bluntly. It had sounded more like a fact then it did a question. His tone were chilly and cold, it freezes her. She catches her heart in her chest, it trying to leap, then crush intensely.
She doesnt know how she will speak… her words crumbled to nothingness. But she still pushes on…
“I-I don’t know Paxton…” she murmurs, the words almost bodilessly leaving her. She feelings as her emotions well up in her throat. “I don't know what I feel anymore.” Her voice breaks, trying to choke back her tears. She can’t hold her look on him anymore… she cant watch as his eyes darken on her like that… and she has to drag her gaze away.
He rests his head back against his seat, squeezing his eyes shut.
“I-I…” he stops to gain his words, taking a moment to put his thoughts together. “I can’t believe you would do this to me again... you really know how to mess people up, Devi.” He says trying to hide the hurt in his tone.
He pulls back the brakes.
“I'll take you home.” he says, then pulls out and begins to drive her back home.
Devi sits in the car… and all she can think about… is how she really wants to tell him… sorry… but he won’t even look at her.

--------------------------------------☆☆☆

Guys, I do apologise if this part was sad... I had to edit a few times... but hope it was ok. I have been trying to find a song for this chapter but I didn't succeed... let me know if there is a song that you would want me to add for this chapter, but if not I will keep looking lol. Hope you all enjoy it ❤❤❤ xxxx