Blinded by Color

Chapter 16 Jerimiah

Keith was standing in the kitchen, making us each a cup of coffee, and I couldn't help but stare at his masculine physique. He was extraordinarily beautiful. Everything about this man was perfection. I watched him shirtless and wearing nothing but a pair of loose shorts as he poured creamer in the cups. When he turned a cup in each hand to walk towards the bedroom, I met his eyes, and he smiled.

"Buenos dias, mi amor." I loved when he spoke Spanish to me. I smiled back and kissed him ever so slightly on his pouty wet lips. He handed me my coffee, and we sat down on the new couch we just purchased. Together, we held each other, drinking our coffee and sitting in silence. The only sound was our breathing and the rhythm of his heartbeat pounding in my ear as my head lay on his chest. The last time I felt this happy had to be before my father died when I had an actual mom. I think about them from time to time and how things are going in Florida. As I lie here with Keith, I tell him my sister is moving out. I explain how she texted me that it was time to go. Keith asks me if I am happy about this and how I feel. To be honest, I am happy my sister finally decided to do something for herself and not revolve her life around my mom. I've told Keith all about my mom and the issues I've had growing up without a father, a neglectful mother, and a burden sister. He had a completely different upbringing. Keith is super close to his family. They are very much the family you see on TV that you wish you could have in real life but know it's not possible. He calls his parents every day. They love him no matter what he does because their love is unconditional. He grew up Catholic, and his parents raised him that being gay is unacceptable, but when he came out to them, they welcomed the news with open arms. I couldn't imagine what that would be like. To have support from my family about my sexuality, yea, right. He never had to hide who he was. His mother always repeats, "You hate the sin but love the sinner." She tells me the same. She is very warm and loving but does advise that the way of life we live is not what Jesus intended; however, His love is unconditional, and we have already been forgiven for our sins. He died on the cross for us. She tells Keith the same way Jesus loves her, and her mistakes are forgiven, so are his. Her love is unconditional, just like Jesus' love. She told me one day that unconditional love means to love without conditions. There are no limits or restrictions to love. I wouldn't know. My family has every type of restriction you can imagine. They are strong Republicans, and they have no love for blacks, gays, or anything other than a white man with a rifle ready to shoot. I never felt like I fit in with my own family. I never really wanted to fit in with them either. Their beliefs were never my own. I couldn't hate people for their skin color, and the biggest reason I think Kay and I don't have a bond is that she followed suit with them. She jumped into formation like a robot. Kay never dared step out of line or say no. She did as she was told. I wanted a sister, and I needed a mom, but instead, I got neither. My only solace was on my birthday each year. It was one year closer to moving out. I want to come out to my family, but I also feel I don't owe it to them. I really don't care what they think or how they feel because I already know their take on my decision. I'm not ready to put myself through that. One day, though, I am going to tell them. I am going to walk in and boast and brag about my boyfriend and our love. One day, I am going to make them see the real me. One day, but not any time soon.

Keith left his imprint on the couch to take a shower, and I stayed lying there soaking up his warmth and smell. I grabbed my iPhone and decided to see what was new on Facebook. I chose to keep all my personal life private from my family; thank God for this option on Facebook. It's like I live a secret life. I see my sister has posted nothing, and I am not surprised; she was never one for social media anyways. I do notice Nivea posting all her new hair pics, and I clicked the heart because I've always felt she was super talented. I saw one picture of a makeover, and I almost choked on my own spit! No way! It was my sister. She actually got purple streaks in her hair! Not just streaks, but my sister got purple! This was something. I had to comment. It was killing me. "Kayla, I cannot believe you let Nivea put PURPLE in your hair! I absolutely love it, and you look beautiful as ever. Nivea, you did your thing, girl."

*****

Keith, fresh from taking a shower, sat beside me on the couch. I showed him the picture of my sister's new hair, and he agreed it was perfect for her. We both sat there talking about what to do today and decided on Oakland. We opted to take the ferry. The thing about the Bay area is the weather is much cooler than the weather in Florida. We never experience severe thunderstorms or raging humidity. The weather stays pretty cool and breezy, especially at night. It's easy to make plans when you have little to no worries about inclement weather. We both wore pullover hoodies for our ferry ride since the ocean breeze can be quite chilling. Something I now enjoy, like a rainbow after the storm.

As we rode the ferry to Oakland, I stared out at the ocean, taking in the picturesque views. I stared at Keith and thought about how lucky I was to have found him. As I looked around the ferry, I noticed a family sitting together in the middle. The son was sitting by his mom and what appeared to be his boyfriend. They were laughing and joking, having a good old time. I smiled at them with a huge smile of love and approval. I couldn't turn my head out of both jealousy and happiness. Eventually, I gave in and looked at Keith, and he looked back at me and smiled. I looked back out to the ocean, and as the salty breeze washed over my face, I thought I have to tell them. I am not going to tell my family I am gay, not because I feel that I owe it to them, but because I want to let go of negativity. I no longer want to hide who I am. If it means losing the people I care about, that will be hard, I cannot deny, but at the end of the day, I have to do this for myself. I owe it to Keith and myself to be honest about us. I have this confidence now that I never possessed before. I feel brave and vulnerable all at the same time. It's weird because I have no idea how this will turn out; however, I can't help but assume the worst. Anything other than that would be a step above in the right direction. I can't decide if I should go home or do it over the phone, but I thought if I am going to do this, I should do it face to face. Introduce Keith and walk with my head held high. This is the man I want to be with, Mom and Kay. I don't know if you will accept him, but I don't care. I am not asking you to accept him or me for who I really am. I just wanted to tell you I am gay, and Keith and I are a couple. We live together in San Fran, and I lied about school. That is pretty much all I think I will tell them. Short, sweet, and simple. They can take it or leave it, but right now, I just want it out in the open.

"Keith, would you be willing to fly home to Lutz with me to tell my family we are a couple?"

Keith looked at me with his sweet face glowing in the sun, "Yea, if you're sure that is what you want to do, you know I will be there for you. I will always be there for you."

I knew he would, and with that, I grabbed his arm, leaned my head on his shoulder, and whispered, "I know." I can't stop loving this man. I can't pretend anymore. I am finally ready to tell them.

When we got back from Oakland, I decided to pull out my laptop and start looking for flights. I knew I needed to request time off at work, so I decided before I put in for my PTO (paid time off), I should see when the best time is to fly financially. Booking two flights from California to Florida wasn't going to be cheap, and I needed to make sure it fit our budget. I used Google Flights since I heard from coworkers it was the best site for an affordable flight, and I found two tickets for $900 round trip. We would leave next weekend, so I literally had one week to inform my job. Keith agreed to purchase the flights before the price skyrocketed. I clicked the Buy Flight button and input my credit card information as fast as I could. I hit Submit, and when the email confirmation came through, I felt the nerves rising in my chest. I can't believe I am doing this. Finally, I am taking my life into my own hands and being who I was truly meant to be. I sat there for a minute, staring at my computer screen in awe of my flight confirmation. Then it hit me, should I tell Kay I am coming? I wonder if I should look for a place to stay. I have not decided if this will be a surprise or not. I grabbed my phone, thinking I should at least give the heads up, but then I thought better of it. Due to the reason for the visit, I don't want to create a lot of joy that I am coming home. I will just show up with Keith and play it by ear.