Blinded by Color

Chapter 25 Jerimiah

The airport is extra busy with all the summer travelers making their planned vacations with their families. Lots of children crying and playing on electronics while Mom and Dad are busy making sure they didn't forget anything. I walked holding hands with Keith, rolling our suitcases behind us. This was it. I was going home, a shaking, scared man who also felt more confident than ever before. I was ready with every ounce of blood pumping through my veins to explode my truth. I wasn't sure how this would go down or what to expect, and the unknown was killing me. I briefed Keith on my family and everything we should expect when we get there. I explained there would be no loving embrace or, "Oh, J, we already knew." It would be a moment involved with lots of cursing, screaming, and the cherry on top, "You're dead to us, get out." The reaction would be cold, and I had to be ready. I was hoping that maybe my sister and I could rekindle our relationship and she would love me no matter what faults I had, but I also had to accept that I was asking for the winning lottery numbers with that kind of hope. I sat down at our gate next to Keith and stared out the window. Life was so beautiful here in SF, and I thought about how different it was in Lutz. How people were so critical and judgmental and how they were stuck in the past, and no one accepted anything other than the Bible as a way of life. Growing up in that town was supposed to guarantee you were going to do all the right things in life. Anything off the perfect path was considered an outcast. I knew this was going to be the toughest thing I've ever done, but here I was, ready as ever.

There was a Starbucks in the airport, and I decided to get Keith and me a drink. As I was walking up to the counter, a little girl ran right in front of me and tripped over my foot. I bent down to help her up and apologized for not seeing her. Even though this was not my fault, I felt bad for the kiddo, who clearly wasn't listening to her mother. I saw the tears streaming down her face, and I smiled at her and told her it would all be okay. Her mother came over and apologized and told me she was having a rough day after nonstop flying. I didn't need any explanation; I was mesmerized by the little girl. She was beautiful even with her bump on her forehead and water eyes. She was the cutest thing, and I thought I couldn't wait to have kids. I am going to be a much better parent than my own mother. I will be the mother mine was prior to my father's passing. I was going to make sure my kids knew they were loved and accepted no matter who or what they decided to become in life. The thing about growing up with the Bible in your town is that everyone wanted to preach the right way of life, but oddly enough, they missed the big picture. Love the sinner, not the sin. Just as our Father loves us, we should love others. We have this right of passage to be like Jesus, who washed the feet of the poor and loved a woman who was an adulterous, yet they are quick to judge me. Everyone is quick to say what someone else is doing wrong but never do they look at their own life. I hope that when we leave Tampa, we will have created a peace among us, but I doubt that will be the case. Either way, I am fine saying goodbye to my family once and for all. I have made my mind up that I am gay, and I am not going to be anything other than gay. This is who I am, Jerimiah Gray, the man who fell in love with another man and no longer wants to hide it.

*****

Once we were in the air, Keith fell asleep. I couldn't sleep if I wanted to because my mind was racing a million miles an hour about how this surprise visit would go down. I was glad we were staying in the city and not in Lutz. I sat there staring out the window, looking at the world, thinking how different things looked now that I was brave enough to own my true self with no regrets. I could see clearly. I thought about how much heartache had been put upon me with losing my father and my mother at the same time. My mother changed, and no longer was the brilliant loving super mom. She needed real help but never got it. My father was the glue that held the family together, and none of us picked up that role when he died. I was only six at the time, and taking on the role of the man of the house was asking quite a lot. Kayla never let go of losing our father. I can see the hurt in her eyes. She also has never been the same but likes to blame my mom for all of it. It's funny, you know; we came from the same parents with the same DNA, yet we are so different in our views and lifestyles. Kayla is always the good girl, doing what is right and working hard to please everyone. On the other hand, I don't care what the family thinks or how they feel; this is my life. Sometimes, I wish Kayla were more like me, but I am positive she wishes I were more like her. A yes man. Always willing to help out and be the protector of her and Mom. Maybe I should have, and maybe if I did choose that route, things would have been different for all of us, but this is who I am. I put my head on Keith's shoulder and took in his smell; he is everything I have ever wanted. He makes me feel safe and like I could literally move mountains. I love this man with everything in me. I couldn't imagine a world where I had to pretend to love a woman. I would rather die than be faced with a forced marriage and life. I closed my eyes and prayed that God would give me the words to say to my family to help them accept me. Being up here in the sky, I felt close to God, and I feel like he heard my cry for help.