Playing With Fire (Sebastian Vettel)

6. Flashback (4)

A/N trigger warning brief mention of suicidal thoughts

January 2022

So I'm trying this in an attempt to stop myself from totally breaking. It's something I remember my therapist getting me to do after my Silverstone accident. He always said if I can't talk about something, write it down.  It helped then.  God knows if it will help this time but anything is worth a shot.   I can't exactly feel any worse than I do at the moment.

I think back to that day in Abu Dhabi and all I remember is waking up in the car.  There were faces all peering in at me.    Apparently I was calling out for Seb, but I don't remember that.  Seb.  He was there for me at the hospital.  He wouldn't leave my side.  He even pulled out of the race because he wanted to look after me. 

Seb. The man who ripped my heart out.  The man who was supposed to love me but blamed me for killing Elena.  Elena. Never had I hated someone so much, but I would give anything to bring her back.  She fired me up, pushed me to be the best I could, just because I couldn't stand getting beaten by her. 

But she's gone and I'd give anything to bring her back.   But that's impossible.  I feel sick inside.  I feel broken as if I will never be happy again.   I am alone.  It's what I deserve.  I flew from Abu Dhabi to Florida to stay with Oli.  That was four weeks ago, and that's where I still am. 

I haven't been in touch with anyone.  Not Ash, not Sophia, not my parents and certainly not Seb.   I made it clear I never want to see him again.   I can't forgive him.  He was supposed to be there for me but he wasn't. 

My parents...I'm ashamed to see them.  What if they look at me and see a killer?   I can't bear to see the disappointment in their eyes.  Sophia....what if she blames me?  She broke her leg. Annette, Emilia...the list goes on.

Yeah. They're all better off without me in their lives.  I just destroy everything I touch.

February 2022

I just miss him so much.  I can't stop loving him no matter how much I try.  I came so close last night to calling him and telling him just how much I love and miss him.  Luckily I came to my senses before I did.  He probably doesn't even care anymore.  If he ever did.  How could he say those things if he cared?   I've had my cast off now.  My ribs are healed.  Physically I am perfect.  Mentally I am fucked.  I dream of Elena nearly every night.  Because of me and her hatred of me she will never race again.  She will never get to fall in love again or to be a mother. 

I will never fall in love again.  It only hurts. Seb was my everything and when I walked away I lost everything that made me me. So I will never be a mother.  I could never be with any other man. And I will never race again.  If Elena can't, then I don't deserve to.  Soon I will have to go home.  I can't stay with Oli much longer.  He has his own life and doesn't need to be babysitting me all the time because I'm emotionally unstable. 

April 2022

The thunder rumbled overhead as I got out of the taxi and walked up my parents' drive.  I rang the door bell.  I saw the relief and raw emotion in my Mum's face as she saw me stood there.   She called out for my Dad, who started crying like a baby when he saw me.  They hugged me and I thought they were never going to let me go. 

Soon their happiness turned to anger.  I couldn't blame them.  They'd spent four months not knowing whether I was dead or alive.  I will spend the rest of my life making this up to them.  And I swear I will never put them through this again.  I love them so much. 

Dad asked me about Seb.  Apparently he came here looking for me straight after Abu Dhabi.  He'd told Dad what he'd said and Dad had sent him away, telling him to stay away from me.  I told Dad I hadn't seen or heard from Seb since I'd left Abu Dhabi.  I didn't want to either.  Out of sight, out of mind,  the saying goes.  I can tell you, that's a load of bollucks because I can't get that man out of my head.