Losing Hope

     5 years. It's been 5 years since Allen died. 5 years since I killed my best friend, and some perv. 1 year since the war stopped. 7 years since I met Allen and 4 since I lost hope. I thought I could end it right when Allen died and thought that life would be good. It took 4 years to finally stop this useless fighting. Even though I'm happy about it stopping, I'm also disappointed. I thought this stupid fighting was for something more then just land. Donell said it was for freedom. Freedom my freaking eye. It was more like it was against freedom! I don't know how he knew, but it wasn't freedom. It definitely wasn't freedom. The wind brushed my hair away from my face as I found the spot I was looking for. Allen Xavior Matthews. The head stone read. Another cold November wind blew in as I placed down the flowers. It may have been 7 years since I met him, but Allen was a good kid. If I could, he would be the person I would bring back. He seemed stuck up and a little of a goodie two shoes, but he was a real person. He had flaws and he made them awesome. I didn't even know him that well. In fact I didn't know his middle name until I looked at the headstone for the first time, but that's besides the point. Allen actually understood why I was like this. Well, I liked to believe he did. He probably thought I was some sadistic bitch who thought I was everything. He probably pinged it, but not anymore. I started taking medicine for my problems, and I've been crazy free.

     The wood snapping awoke me from my thoughts. On instinct, I pulled my gun and aimed it at the sound. The sound of crunching leaves stopped. My head, thoughts, and eyes were still focused on the head stone, but I turned my head to see who the person was. It was the little girl with Allen from the park that one day. She wasn't so little anymore. I'd say she was 16 now? Yeah, that's about right. “What do you want?” I asked, my voice husky. “You're not the only one who cared for him,” Maddie said. Ignoring the gun pointed at her, she walked over, and set some flowers down. I put the gun back in it's place and looked down while Maddie stood up. “I wonder if they're talking right now. If they're playing video games together again,” Maddie said. “Heaven isn't real. It's just a place people tell you about that make you not feel so shitty about dying,” I stated, looking down. “How would you know? You've sent them both there anyway,” Maddie spat. I sighed. She was right. It was my fault that they were dead. If I was never born, they would both be alive. “I know,” I whispered. “You know? You know? You killed my brothers!” she snapped, making me look up at her. Maddie was sobbing and trying to hold back a scream. “Allen was your brother?” I asked. “No you idiot. It's just a term used for someone close,” she said, her voice lowering. I looked back down at the grave stone. “Allen, Alistair, I miss you guys, and wish you were here. I got a lead part in the school play, and I'm in a trio for band. I've gotten far in my life, and I wish you both could see it,” Maddie whispered. “They can't hear you, ya know,” I said. Maddie gave me a harsh look. “Sorry. Sorry,” I mumbled. They couldn't! She was talking to thin air. “Just try. It'll make you feel better,” Maddie said. And with that, she walked away. I watched her leave, and then looked back at the grave. “Uh, hey guys.” I chuckled. “I feel stupid doing this,” I said, shaking my head. “All right. I'm really sorry for what happened. My life hasn't really excelled that much. Though I did get into a collage. Not one of my top choices, but anyone will do right now.” I shook my head again. “I'll see you guys later,” I said, then walked away from the stone.

     “Ms. Sky,” The woman started. “you're here for your first appointment, correct?” the woman asked. I nodded my head. “Yeah, he said he would take me at 3, and it's 3.” The woman looked over some papers. “He's waiting for you.” I smiled, and walked into the room she pointed to. “Hello Destiny,” the therapist said. Has anyone realized 'therapist' is one space away from 'the rapist'? That's why I've never been so open to go to one. “Please, sit,” He instructed. “You do know you're one space away from being 'the rapist,' right?” I asked. He gave me a puzzled look. “Is that what's troubling you?” he asked. I chuckled. “No. I just wanted to make sure you knew.” He took a deep, annoyed sigh. “Where do you want to start?” he asked. I leaned back in my chair. “Well, my friend died 5 years ago. I don't really know what else is troubling me,” I stated. “Ms. Sky. I don't mean to be rude, but please. Let's be serious.” I cocked an eyebrow. “You don't believe me?” The therapist shook his head. “I'm sure something happened, but that isn't what's troubling you, is it?”