Royal Dilemma

Chapter Nineteen

(Caleb's Point of View)

My alarm begins to blare on Charli's bedside table and I sigh, reaching out to turn it off. I glance at Charli and then maneuver my arm out from under her as I sit up.

I really do not want to leave.

I force myself out of the warmth of Charli's purple blankets and trudge over to my clothes, beginning to pull my pants on.

"Where do you go?" Charli asks.

I freeze, one leg in my pants and one leg out.

"When you leave," she clarifies.

I slowly resume stuffing my free leg into my pants and zip them up, reaching for my shirt. "I go home," I answer honestly, pulling my shirt over my head.

"Why do you have to go at a certain time?" She's looking at me and I can see the challenge in her eyes.

She knows I won't tell her, why is she pushing this?

"Because I do," I reply.

I pull my sweatshirt on and stand by her door, watching her watch me.

"Why can we only hang out Saturday nights?" Charli continues.

"Saturday's the day I'm free." I shift nervously on my feet. "I really have to go."

I begin walking toward the front door and I hear Charli scramble out of bed, following close behind me.

"What are you hiding?" Charli demands.

"I'm not hiding anything," I lie.

"You're lying," she says with confidence. "Just tell me now. I'm going to be more pissed off if I find out on my own."

Should I just tell her? Should I just put an end to all of the lies and tell her the truth right now?

I imagine the look on her face when I tell her who I really am. Would it be excitement? Anger? I don't think either of those options are ideal. Charli likes to lay low and dating royalty brings a lot of attention I don't think she would be keen on.

Would she hate me for lying in such a big way? She could retaliate and tell someone that Colin and I have been using Shirashio. Although, I don't really think that's her style.

Would she still look at me the same? Would I still be just a regular guy to her? I really don't think so. In most cases when someone realizes I have blue blood it's a positive reaction but I think Charli's would be really negative.

If I tell her it would change the way she looks at me, and not for the better. If she's going to leave me either way I may as well keep my secret.

"I have to go," I tell her, opening the door.

Charli lunges forward and slams it shut. She's standing close now, I can see all the different shades of blue in her eyes.

"I want to be able to trust you," she says quietly.

"You can trust me."

The lie tastes acidic in my mouth. I want it to be true but we both know it's not.

"I know you're not telling me something CJ."

I stay quiet, trying to think of a way to weasel out of this conversation. To rewind time and go back to her bed ten minutes ago, when she was in my arms.

"Is it going to hurt me?" She whispers.

I can see the flicker of fear in her eyes. Charli's being vulnerable, she's afraid. It's my fault that she's afraid.

"Probably," I answer honestly.

I see hurt flash across her face but it quickly drops into a neutral mask.

"You should go," she says, taking a few steps back.

I open the door and go to leave but I only get as far as the door frame.

"I'm sorry," I tell her, even though I know my apologies mean nothing.

"Go."

I step out of the doorway and Charli shuts the door behind me. I hear the lock click into place.

What have I done?

Charli doesn't reply to any of my numerous apology texts. I don't hear from her at all over the course of the week. Every day that goes by without a word from her I sink deeper into my foul mood. I try to buckle down and focus on my school work so I don't have to think about how this is probably the end of whatever it was that Charli and I had.

Saturday, I'm considering not even going out. Then Charli texts me the name of a bar around the time she usually does.

It's busy when I get there but Charli finds me just like she always does. She comes up behind me, placing a hand on my back. I grab a drink and then follow her to an open table.

After we sit down I can't meet her eyes, instead, I choose to pick at the splintering tabletop.

"You're shady," Charli says.

My eyes meet hers and my stomach sinks.

"You're secretive, you're a liar, and you're probably bad news." She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and sighs. "I used to think I had enough self-respect that if I knew a man was screwing me over I'd have the strength to walk away." She shakes her head. "But I don't. I like you for some reason, so I guess I'll take my chances."

She knows I'm deceiving her but is willing to give me another chance anyway? I feel a mixture of relief, joy, and sorrow. Charli is compromising her values for me. I shouldn't even put her in that position. I really do not deserve this woman, and she doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

I know I should do the right thing and walk away right now, but I'm incredibly selfish. I just want her in my life.

"I really like you Charli," I reach across the table, grabbing her hand in mine. "I mean it, I do."

Charli smiles weakly which then shifts into a smirk. "That's pretty lame," she jokes.

I laugh. I guess it's back to business as usual.

Just like that? I'm forgiven?

We finish our beers and then we go back to Charli's and everything is just like it was before. Charli doesn't ask any more questions, even though I know they must be on her mind.

When I get home I undress and flop down in bed. I close my eyes, letting the guilt overwhelm me. I deserve to feel this. Charli is a good person and I'm doing something downright awful to her. She's letting me do something awful to her.

Distantly I surmise that this must mean she really cares about me but I can't bring myself to feel good about that. I just feel sick. I roll over on my side and take a few deep breaths to loosen up the knot in my chest.

I don't want to keep doing this, it's not right. It's so, so wrong.

But I can't leave Charli behind. Or, more accurately, I won't leave Charli behind.

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