A BROWN SHADE OF BLUE

Forbidden Feelings

Since my final day working as a tutor, I had not seen him. We returned to our usual routine of telephone conversations. I enjoyed them but they were no longer enough. It became frustrating to Marquise that I kept turning him down. He had asked me out twice and I told him I would think about it. However, I just ignored his requests. I did not want him to think I did not have feelings for him neither did I want him to believe I did. Confusing! A few weeks before we had almost kissed, yet I began avoiding opportunities to see him. Women are really confusing beings! Poor Marquise!
I wanted to spend time with him but I couldn't. I could not handle the ugly stares people would give us and the things they would say about us. I wore no jewelry and was often modestly covered, while he wore plenty jewelry and had visible tattoos. His ears were pierced and mine weren't. I only wore skirts that met my knees with blouses with sleeves, or dresses that were not revealing. I was nothing like his exes. They were the Jamaican definition of fashionable. His type of women wore things like tank tops, shorts and extensions. I was simple, and completely natural with the typical conservative appearance. He, on the other hand, screamed anarchy in his dressing. He was the typical bad boy and I was the typical good girl. We looked completely different, yet like they often say, "Opposites attract". He was everything I was not and I was everything he wasn't, yet we still managed to enjoy the company of each other. People would simply never understand.
Finally, I had said yes. It was not an official date but I had asked him to accompany me shopping. I needed to purchase a dress for a banquet. Fortunately, for us, he had also wanted to purchase a pair of brown shoes for an upcoming performance at a concert. Brown was his favourite colour. He had arrived in the town first and I was to meet him later.
Sadly, when I was entering the town, it began to rain heavily and my phone fell into a puddle of water on the sidewalk. Instantly, the screen went blank. I was devastated! So, I had no way of communicating with him. The heavy rainfall only worsened the situation because although we were in the same town, there was just no way we would be able to see each other. The day was just spoilt! I eventually bought the dress, then lunch and returned home. At home, I was able to restart the phone, and then I realized I had several missed calls from Marquise.
Saddened, I called him and explained the situation earlier. We both were disappointed. I told him that maybe it was a sign that whatever was happening between us was pointless. Surprisingly, he was pretty calm and said nothing. Then there came the rage! I started uttering comments about how doomed the friendship was from the beginning. "This just will not work!", I remember telling him. "How will you know if you do not try?"he asked softly. Hearing how his voice had lowered, made me feel like crying. It hurt me so much that he was hurting, especially by me. I was just so disappointed that I had not seen him that it grew frustration which only bore anger.
The Bible states that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Thus, being angry provided the perfect platform for me to express all my hidden thoughts. My hidden thoughts were just the ugly truth. That truth was that we were fooling ourselves to believe we could continue with whatever we had, when the fact was that we were not supposed to be close.
Before running into Marquise a few months ago, I had believed that it was impossible for me to fall for a guy not of my faith. Thus, it was even more impossible to even fall for a Dancehall artiste! Unthinkable! Nonetheless, that was proven possible, I knew continuing whatever that was with him was like journeying along a dangerous road. I felt too much for him! However, having feelings for each other was not enough to derail the fact that it was simply forbidden!
I was so lost in thoughts that I had not realised that the conversation had stopped. We stayed silent on the phone for about twenty minutes. Then I heard him sigh. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but he did not. He was never a man of many words. So I broke the silence. "When others see you, they see Mar-King. When I do, I see Marquise...but often I struggle to separate both. All you do is promote violence and sex! Is that all you can think of Marq? How can I even be seen walking on the road with you? How? Tell me how! Tell me how will this work... because I just don't know!" I tried not to yell but I was so angry at myself for falling for him. It was not his fault, but I just had to yell at him. Who else was I supposed to yell at? He sighed.
After a few seconds, he spoke. "So yuh believe you a di only one hurting Analeah? Don't you think I hurt to know that the bigger I become in the industry, more danger is created for you. I really want to protect you from that and I feel like eventually I will not be able to." My heart broke. I knew he cared for me and had good intentions but publicity was a problem that was hard to control. It would definitely haunt us. "I know people will not have anything good to say", I uttered, "and they will criticize my stance as a woman of faith". Then in a tone stronger than before, he said, "I am not going to ask you to risk your public image for me...I would never". Then he sighed.
By that point, my eyes were burning with tears. We returned to the silence. After a few minutes, I whispered, "We can not be friends anymore because this is not wise".  "What did you say?"he asked. I repeated the statement. "Ok", he responded in a brokenhearted tone. I did not explain further because I was hurting myself just by hurting him. I simply ended the call. How rude of me! I knew I had broken his heart.

He did not even attempt to call me later that evening. He did not even text. I deserved it! He should not have been treated like that.
After that conversation we had stopped communication. It broke my heart. Days became weeks and weeks became months. I missed him. I missed him so much.
That was our first serious argument and it ended badly. We had a few disagreements before that but it was nothing too serious that would make me not want to be friends anymore. I usually made a fuss about him returning to his house late and not answering my calls sometimes. I had also accused him several times of being with other women but we never had a serious argument. He would just laugh and tease that I was being miserable. He was never argumentative. I loved that about him. He was always so calm with me. Once, he told me that I calmed him. How sweet!
I was uncertain about him wanting to rekindle our friendship after I was so rude to him. Besides, we had ceased being friends upon my request.