Life, After (After Mockingjay, a Hunger Games Fan fic)

chapter five

a week later, in Johanna's P.O.V.

Last night, I slept well. For the first time in God-knows-how-many years. I think it was Gale that did it. I don't sound sappy but he made an appearance in my dreams. I've hung out with him for the last couple days and it's the first time I've felt happy. Maybe I could even say I have a friend now. I've never been good at making friends. I guess Katniss, even with her annoying innocence, is a friend. And Finnick was the best (and only) friend I had ever had. 

I can't figure myself out with Gale. I think I like him, but I'm afraid to love. Last time I loved someone, last time....... flashback:

I'm standing in the square, fighting back my tears. I look at the bodies hanging. But, unlike any other day these weren't just bodies. There, rope on the necks, is my entire family. I can't contain my rage and burst out into a screaming fit. It was my fault, all my fault. If only I had accepted a seemingly certain fate and allowed myself to die in the Games. If only I played good girl. If only I allowed the Capital to sell my body. Anything, I'd do anything to take them back. But it's too late. They're gone now. 

I can't live with myself. I run home screaming and slam the door into our house in the Victor's Village, now mine alone and I'm not 16 yet. I lay, slumped against the wall for an indefinite amount of time. A couple of days I think. The pain becomes unbearable. I muster up my strenghth to walk into the kitchen. One step, then another, just one more step. I reach it. The knife. I pick up the sharpest knife we have and hold it against my neck, ready to die. Death would be better than this pain. Right before the blade enters my skin, my mother appears before me. "Johanna, don't. There was nothing you could do. Johanna, it will get better. JOHANNA STOP!"

I don't believe her, but I retreat. She saved me but I didn't save her.

flashback ends...

I stand in Katniss' kitchen, motionless. I feel like my 15 year old self, in terrible pain, but now I see a little hope. I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and immediately pull myself together. No one can see my soft side. I keep thinking I'm such a b*tch but maybe I'm not as much of one as I'd like everyone to think. Maybe I should let my guard down. The reason I'm bitchy is defensive. I'm afraid letting anyone love me will just hurt us both. When I'm alone in life, the Capital can't hurt me. There's no one left for them to hurt. No one that loves me. No one that I love.

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