Evasion

Evasion of an anxious mind

I will set the scene

Honesty is part of me, which doesn't mean I don't hide certain things

I know what others may think

 I am not always willing to have them change their image of me

Due to something they won't understand

It doesn't make me less, in danger or unaware

I know the risk, I know the reward

But not everyone trusts my sixth sense

Probably because I am willing to break if it means I can build myself up again

Before cannabis, I am paralyzed

A lingering feeling of an accelerated heart

Like the seconds' pointer of a mechanical clock

that you haven't quite figured out how to stop

I take a puff and the voices hush

Even if for a second, it is enough

Voices pulling me down, chained

Forcing me to listen to other people's mistakes

I numb

My response to the overwhelming number of paths

Only ifs' chain me and I am inside

A view from my chest onto the outside

The pointer keeps ticking, it is louder by the day

My throat scratched from words I ate and didn't say

Sometimes another puff helps me to move

I can take a breath and there is less to prove

Releasing the trappings pulling me down

I can think, I can hear what my brain wants to share

I can make decisions, be productive, I swear...

I can keep track of my behavior such as compulsive trivial things

I wonder at times if my hobbies are just symptoms of an OCD

                           When I smoke

                                                                             I feel peaceful

                                                               I am aware         

                                                                                                       I can decide

                                             I can face harm

                                                                              I am alive