pyromaniac ; Ethan Torchio

love

Oh, misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin's sons

My hand rests on the guitar strings as I sing the intro of my favourite song.

It's already dark and an icy breeze strikes my skin as I stand there in front of circus maximus. The only way to keep my hands warm is by moving them over the strings. My guitar, the most expensive thing I own.

Okay, that's not entirely true, I have lots of jewellery my fiancé gives to me as presents. But the guitar is the only thing that actually feels like a possession of mine. I bought it... MYSELF!

I feel the sounds radiating from the speaker that is connected to the mic and my guitar as I look around.

A few couples stopped by and stand there pressed against one another for warmth. Further to my left a group of four stop walking and give me their attention.

I keep on singing my version of the only Ed Sheeran song I like with closed eyes. I don't have to think about the chords, my fingers naturally press down the strings to fill the Roman air with warm sounds on this cold winter night.

It's actually quite a miracle that by now I still like singing that song. I've been playing it for as  long as I can remember. The first time, when it came out (I was 15), now - 6 years later - I've been playing it since I first performed on the streets in 2016.

Playing on the streets rescued me from living  on the streets after I dropped out of Highschool. Not that the money was good, just enough to feed me, but I got to know Fabrizio.

I guess Fabrizio is my - what people like to call it - one and only or the love of my life. Bullshit if you ask me, I don't believe in this concept of one love.

But I'm pretty sure I'm making the right choice by marrying Fabrizio. He would do anything to keep me safe and I cherish his loyalty and huge passion for his work.

I mean yeah, he's 37 years old and I'm 21 but age doesn't matter  nowadays it's only loving that matters. And yes I still don't believe in that myth but those are Fabrizio's words and I don't want to tell him how exactly I feel about that. I'm happy and that's what matters for this commitment.

After I played a few more songs I realise there are only two more people listening and I decide, it's time to wrap it up. In winter there is not as big of an audience as in summer.

"Thank you so much for listening! My name is Sofia. You'll find me right here tomorrow again but that's it for today, goodnight." I say to the couple standing there and then pack my stuff.

As I pour the money from my guitar case into my backpack someone comes pacing towards where I'm crouching. A pair of black patent leather shoes stop in front of me and I stand up.

A girl with a nice black coat and a sweet hat looks at me holding a 5€ note in my direction. She reminds me a bit of businesswomen I once saw when I visited my boyfriend- fiancé at work.

I carefully take the money from her and have to smile.

"Aw, thank you, that's very sweet."

"Ah, it's nothing. You were amazing!" she tells me.

And just by the way she says it and the fact that she came up to me after I'm finished, I know she means it.

I thank her again whilst putting my guitar into its case.

"So Sofia, do you make your own music as well?" the girl asks me curiously as I pack my mic and speakers and roll up the cables.

I have to chuckle a bit at that question.

"No, I do not produce my own songs and bring out albums that no one wants to listen to, as all the other street musicians do. I'm staying with my feet firmly on the ground and-"

"You've never written a song?" the girl asks astonished.

"Not really..." I then answer sceptically.

I don't know where this conversation is going but it didn't feel good.

"Well, that's okay! What I actually wanted to ask you, are you maybe interested in writing songs. I have a band and the drummer, Ethan-"

She looks around, searching for the guy.

"He's not here right now but uhm-" she seems to be a little confused.

"We- we're looking for a second guitarist at the moment and me and Ethan- we think you're great and wanted to ask if you'd like to come around sometime..."

I look at her with raised eyebrows.

Oh man, she is so sweet and kind. How am I supposed to tell her that I can't do that because unlike other musicians (or people my age in general) I'm going to have a real-life soon. Marriage, a house and we're also trying to get pregnant (Fabrizio is afraid that soon he won't be able to have kids anymore but that's not the point right now).

"Look, I'm really flattered by your offer but-"

"Please just think about it, you don't have to decide just yet." she interrupts me.

"I'll give you my insta and if you're interested don't hesitate to slide into my dms." she winks jokingly at me.

I'm not usually that soft but I just can't say no to her. I don't know what it is but it's just not possible.

With my equipment under one arm, my guitar on my back and Victoria's (that's the girl's name) Instagram in my phone I step into the metro and drive back, out of the centre of Rome into the more remote area.

I open the front door of our house and enter the clean corridor. I get out of my jacket and shoes and have to rub my hands against one another because they are so cold. I immediately rush into the living room and sit down in front of the fireplace.

I put some more wood into the fire so it doesn't go out. Unwillingly I think about how I could take a piece of wood out of the flame and light up the couch.

I shake my head to get rid of the thought, that's when I realise, I sit way to close to the fireplace and my skin hurts because of the heat. Slowly I back off and sit down on the couch, my gaze sticking to the flames. Happy

Steps are coming closer and in the next moment, I feel a peck on my temple.

"No 'honey, I'm home' ?" Fabrizio asks me walking around the sofa and taking a seat beside me.

I look at him with an innocent smile.

"Sorry."

My hand touches his cheek apologetically and he reads that as an invitation. He starts kissing me on the lips and I can already feel his hand moving up my thigh to unbutton my pants.

I take the hand in mine and entangle our fingers.

"I'm still on my period, honey." I whisper in between kisses.

"Shit, I forgot. Hopefully, soon you won't be getting your period anymore. He runs his index finger over my belly and kisses my forehead before going into the kitchen and getting me something to eat.

I take a sharp breath in and press my lips against one another. I can't help but think about Victoria and the freedom she must have with her friends.

...................
jb