Damaged Heart

love is...

As Dan was getting ready for work Lily reached over his side of the bed. His mobile phone was on the bedside table. She picked it up and pressed the small button on the side. Looking over at the door, she listened carefully. The trickling water from the shower could be heard faintly. Lily keyed in his number but the phone rejected it. She tried three more times, and three times it rejected the number. He had locked her out of his phone!

Dan appeared in the doorway a few moments later, a towel wrapped around his waist. Lily watched him as he went to the wardrobe to get a clean shirt and trousers off the hangers.

'You off out today baby' he asked innocently.

Lily smiled, but deep inside there was a deep fear in the pit of her stomach. Something warning her that everything was not rosy in the garden. What had happened in the time when her head wasn't in the right place, what had she missed?

Dan looked over at her, he had put on his trousers and was now buttoning up his shirt.

'Baby, you going out today? ' he asked again.

'Oh yeah, I'm meeting a friend for lunch' she smiled at him.

'A friend?' he asked inquisitively.

All Lily could do was nod.

'Well I've got to go baby, don't want to be late. I'm meeting with the administration team at the hospital today. Could be a big contract for the agency we work with, which is good news for us too,'

Dan kissed her lips lightly, but she hungered for his touch. She kissed him full on the mouth, forcing her tongue further. He groaned with delight.

'Keep those thoughts for later'

Lily looked up at him, he was meeting with influential people.  It was always the same. She knew he had to work but the affair he'd had almost broke them.  The woman he had secret conversations with in the bathroom. That feeling in the pit of her stomach once again. He promised her there was nothing going on and for a little while she had believed him. He'd stopped disappearing to the bathroom with his phone.

Dan came closer and hugged her tightly. He moved his face towards hers and their lips met. Lily closed her eyes enjoying the sweet taste of him. She wished with all her being that they'd be like this forever. He pulled away from the kiss and Lily's world deflated once more.

'Gotta go, love you' he whispered sweetly.

'Love you too' she whispered.

She heard the clicking of the door, in seconds she would hear the rev of the engine starting up, then she wouldn't see him until late.

Diana popped into her mind. She had replied to Lily's message with a time and place to eat, so they could meet and talk about Diana's fears.

Where did she know that woman from? Dan clearly knew her, but why would he not say?

Lily walked into Dan's office, it was part office and part reading nook.  The place where she felt safe. Here was where she travelled to unknown places in the books down here. Dan had travelled to an old bookstore in Devon and had found an old copy of a Bronte novel. It was Lily's prized possession. They would often come down here, Dan would draw and Lily would read to him. They'd take a bottle of wine and make love until the early hours of the morning. That was before the affair, now everything had changed.

Lily went over to his desk and started rifling through papers. Spreadsheets, rotas, telephone numbers scribbled on bits of papers clung to the desk. Opening the drawers she found more papers. As she opened the bottom drawer there it was. That picture, that face he kept drawing. The same face over and over again. The face that belonged to the woman in the restaurant last night. She rifled through the draw and found a small notebook. Lily sat on the leather bound chair and placed the book on the desk. With her hands on the book she closed her eyes, she hoped it only contained boring stuff but in her heart she knew, she knew this would send her spiralling back, back to the darkness.

Lily sat there for what seemed like an eternity. The book still unopened.

Lily's eyes were still closed, the darkness within her. Her heart in turmoil. Had Dan been unfaithful again?  Six months ago they had stopped talking, stopped any kind of intimacy. Lily had been struggling daily but Dan had refused to see how far her depression had taken her. He didn't see the woman he'd fallen in love with. He just saw this mess, this woman he vowed to love for all eternity, but she was gone. In his eyes Dan saw this woman he didn't recognise. All she did was lay around the house. She didn't clean, there was no hot meal waiting for him. There was just arguments over silly little things. After a while Dan had dreaded going home. When his boss asked him to cover shifts he was more than happy to do it.

Lily opened her eyes and stared at the book. Maybe she wouldn't open it today. Her stomach in knots, she felt nauseaus. On the desk was a bottle of water. She took the bottle and took a sip, then another, until she had drained the bottle dry. Licking her lips she closed her eyes. She had to open the book, it would just eat away at her insides.

'Right, let's do this' she said out loud.

Her fingers were trembling and she felt cold. As she opened the red velvet cover she let out a scream. There it was, another drawing of that same face! Rena! This was who it was! The woman Dan talked about non stop. The woman he was obsessed with. The woman from the restaurant and clearly the woman Diana's husband was fucking! Lily felt sick, she ran upstairs to the bathroom and let it all out in the toilet bowl.

Returning to the study she once again sat on the leather chair. The drawing stared back at her. Lily hated that face. What other secrets did Dan have in his little book of horrors.

As she turned the page she saw writing scribbled down. A poem. As she read the words she could feel her heart breaking into tiny little fragments connected to her mind. The tears welled up inside her. Lily jumped off the chair and ran to the safety of her bed. Crumpled up, with her knees in her chest she wailed. The tears were like a waterfall, a waterfall of darkness. The black droplets staining her face, her heart, her whole being.