After Olivia

24

Sunlight sequins glistened on the river's surface. Bill lay in the lush green grass bathing in the golden warmth and glow of the mid-day sun with his gaze fixed on the flowing water. The scenery was a blend of old and new. The best of the past and present melded together in a way only possible within a dream.

"Have you been waiting long?" Olivia asked as she dropped into a cross-legged sitting position beside him.

He opened his eyes and turned his head towards her. She gazed at him and smiled as he replied, "I just got here myself."

"I see our bikes against the tree. Are we going for a ride?"

Bill glanced over his shoulder towards the bikes, then back towards Olivia. He studied her and the way her hair flowed over her shoulders. Her features were those of Olivia in her twenties, but she wore the hair of a younger version of herself. There was no reason for the combination, just a quirk of the imagination drawing from memories collected of the years.

"Actually, let's just hang out here for a bit. Just warn me if you see any big wet dogs running loose."

"Ahhh, okay, I suppose I could do that," Olivia responded with a puzzled expression.

"Do you remember anything about your dad?" Bill asked.

The question came as a surprise. Olivia had been scanning the area for stray dogs but quickly turned her eyes towards Bill.

"Wow! Ahhh, you mean my dad, not Patrick. No, nothing. I was only a year old when he died," Olivia replied. "I only really knew him through photos and Uncle Tom's stories."

"Same. I only remember what he looked like from photos. Emily doesn't remember much about him either. She told me the other day, the only thing she really remembers clearly is his funeral. Someone told her he was going to sleep for a long time. It confused the hell out of her."

"Oh, yeah, I imagine it would. Why are you asking about him?"

"I'm just afraid"—Bill paused in contemplation— "I'm afraid that someday I'm going to wake up and not even realize that I've gone... who knows how long, without thinking about you."

"What happened? Why are you thinking like this?"

Bill didn't speak for a moment. Olivia's eyes moved away from his face and traced down his body. He was wearing the same clothing he wore for the ride through the river park with Matilda. The long scar on his right leg that had captured her attention was hidden from Olivia's view; a detail he omits from his dreams.

"I spent all day, Friday, with Matilda, riding here in the park. Lunch at The Rosebud, mini-frisbee golf and ice cream, and..."

After a long pause Olivia asked in a soft breath, "And?"

"I don't remember thinking about you. I took her all these places, stopped here to relax before heading back to the car, just like we used to do, and I don't know if I thought about you," Bill said with his head hung in shame.

Olivia furrowed her brow then reclined into the grass. "You think about me at work, right? You dream about me at night, right?"

"Yes."

"So, you think about me a lot! It's okay for you to think about someone else now and then. If you are with Matilda, it's only right that she's your focus," Olivia said. "You have to be with her one hundred percent. Anything less wouldn't be fair to her."

"I don't know how this is supposed to work. How am I supposed to commit to someone else when I would give anything to have you back?"

Olivia locked her gazed with Bill's. The river and the sunlit sky faded into a blur of dark smudges and random jagged details huddled in a tangled mess around them. White stucco and dust, a blue dome roof torn from a water colour painting, broken glass and smoke. The fractured scenery of his nightmares. From this night's dream, only the grass beneath them remained.

Olivia hadn't disappeared into the darkness. She remained on that patch of grass beside him and held his gaze. "It's not like we're divorced, and you've changed your mind and want me back. You didn't choose this, it just happened. You know this and so does she. She knows you would choose to turn back the clock if you could. Over time, that choice won't come as easily, and that's okay. You'll move on. Move forward."

For a moment he contemplated this cruel hypothetical scenario. If presented the opportunity to go back in time to change the course of events and restore a previous life, could someone make such a choice? Could he move forward in life then face the choice to erase it all and bring Olivia back? Could he possibly move on so far that he would make the seemingly impossible choice to leave her in his past?

Bill closed his eyes for a moment. When they opened, the scenery developed around them once again. The warm glow of the sun and gentle sound of flowing water brought the dreamscape back to life.

"You'll figure it out," Olivia added. "Maybe that's what will make her the right one for you. She'll give you the time to figure it all out and maybe she'll let you have those moments when you can remember me and not feel guilty about it. Can I ask something? Why did you bring her here? Riding the bikes and doing all the things we used to do?"

"I don't know. It seems stupid now that I think about it. It's like I'm trying to fit her in where you used to be. Hell, I had her ride your bike and wear your helmet."

"Well, the bike and helmet were just convenience, I'm sure. But, this place, it's familiar and a safe choice. I mean, we had fun here and you wanted to make sure she enjoyed herself. Maybe next time, make the date your own, something new for both of you. Even if you take her out for a ride on my bike, take her somewhere and make it about her. A new experience with her."

"We never made it out to the reservoir, you and I. There's lots of trails around it. I could take her there."

"Now you're thinking! So, what did you do afterwards? After the ride and all that, where did you go? Dinner?"

"We took the bikes to your mom's and had dinner there. You know your mom. I just intended to leave the bikes, but she invited us and..."

"How did that go? Was it awkward?"

"No, not at all. She really fit in and seemed comfortable. She made the pizza sauce from scratch."

"Ah! She's a keeper!"

"That's what your mom said. The evening went really well. How could it not? Your mom makes everyone feel like family," Bill said. "Are you hungry? The Rose Bud changed the menu, we can walk over."

"Why not ride?"

"Oh, uhm... Your bike is broken..."

Olivia furrowed her brown and asked, "She broke my bike?"

"No, it's just the derailleur, maybe—"

"Relax, I told you there was something wrong with it. I'm sure it was the trip into the river that did it."

"Yeah, my bad."

Bill stood up and extended his hand to help Olivia to her feet. She reached to take it then paused for a second. She smiled and placed her fingers in his waiting hand and rose to her feet.

"You do realize you could dream that it's fixed."

Bill laughed and nodded his head. He turned his gaze back towards her and responded, "But I can't hold your hand if we're riding our bikes."

As they walked, their fingers interlaced, and Olivia leaned into his shoulder. The sun began to set in a fiery orange sky and the café appeared along the river's edge.