The Moment I Knew
She's sitting on the couch in the living room and it's really loud in there because there are a lot of people in there, she kind of lost the count and right now she honestly doesn't care. All Emily is doing is staring at the door, switching to the clock, switching to her phone display which stays dark. "Hey birthday girl come here and celebrate!" Hanna shouts trough the whole room and Emily looks up for a few seconds, when she sees Hanna approaching her and she really doesn't want to dance right now because she's still waiting for Alison to arrive because it's her nineteenth birthday and it's been three years since they celebrated her birthday together and she thought that Ali would be one of the firsts to call her and wish her a happy birthday or something like that but the day passed by and now she's sitting at her birthday party, the party Alison promised to take part in but until now she's nowhere to be seen and Emily keeps on looking at her phone to check if the blonde tries to call, but there still isn't even the slightest sign of the blonde girl and Emily isn't sure if she's angry because the blonde promised to come or if she's hurt because it seems like Ali let her down once again and she doesn't know for how much longer she can handle this because she still is deeply in love with Alison and she can't help it, but it seems like she is falling even deeper every time Alison smiles or looks at her, yet she somehow always manages to hurt her again by skipping something that is important to Emily and it isn't the first time but she really thought that they were over this and that Alison has changed but apparently she was wrong because she can't see the blonde in this room and this is the place she's supposed to be in right now because she fucking promised Emily that she would be there and now Emily is sure that she is more hurt than angry, it pains her to think that she obviously doesn't mean a thing to Alison when she isn't even able to call her. "Em, everything okay there?" Hanna looks at her and Emily sighs because she can smell how drunk Hanna is and it really is a wonder that she is still standing or that she's still able to walk without falling over her own feet. And she just can't deal with Hanna's problems right now because she wants to cry, but she can't because there are so many people in there and it's her birthday but without Alison it doesn't seem like one because she feels more like curling up into her bed and cry all night long. "Stop thinking about her, I told you that she's still a bitch, once a bitch, always a bitch, she hasn't changed one bit, you should start to believe it, Em." Hanna slurs and Em wants to slap her because Hanna keeps on acting like a bitch when she's drunk and Emily can't stand it when someone says something bad about Alison and she knows that she should stop pretending that Alison cares for her but she can't because it would hurt her like hell and she is still hoping that at least their friendship means something to Alison because she has always known that she can never have a future with Alison that involves a romance between them and she wants to forget her feelings because there isn't a day where she doesn't think about the blonde and she can count the days where she isn't crying about it on one hand, but she always thought that their friendship meant something to both of them since Alison was the one who started it in the first place and it has always been a rocky friendship, she can't deny this, but now she isn't even sure if Alison ever wanted to be friends or was messing around with her feelings since the start. Hanna is still talking next to her but Emily can't listen because she keeps on staring at the door and she still hopes that Alison will appear magically, but deep down she knows that this will never happen and she's sick of it, she has to pretend like she doesn't care, when it's ripping her apart inside and Alison keeps on breaking her heart all over again and she doesn't know how to deal with the pain, because she can't talk about her feelings, her parents still don't know about her feelings for Alison and she can't talk to the girls because they already seem to hate Alison and she doesn't want to make it worse. "Hey you two, what are you doing?" Aria asks and Spencer is slipping into the small spot that is left on the couch. "Everything okay with you?" She asks and looks at Emily questioning and she can't say a word because suddenly it's hard to breathe and to keep the tears from falling because she is hit by the reality that Alison is probably not coming, even if she promised it and she doesn't even called or texted her. "Alison's a bitch, that's all." Hanna mumbles and Spencer shoots her a glare. "Are you drunk?" She says into Hanna's direction and now Hanna is silent for a moment. "I'm gonna take her to the guest room, alright? I think she should sleep to get it out of her system." Spencer explains, while Emily nods because she honestly couldn't care any less. "I think it's better if we end the party, Spencer and I will stay, but we both know that you don't want all these people here, right?" Aria says when Spencer and Hanna are out of sight and Emily slowly nods because she can't speak right now, she's afraid that she'll break when she tries to speak and she can't cry in front of those people. It hurts it really hurts that Alison doesn't even bother to call and Emily almost forgot that it's her birthday, because on your birthday you should be happy and you should celebrate and not sit alone on a couch and feel like you're going to die because of a broken heart. She just sits there as all the people leave her house and when the last one is trough the door and Spencer and Aria are again by her side she breaks and all the tears she's been holding back all day are streaming down her face now and she's sobbing and shaking while Aria and Spencer are sitting next to her looking helpless and they don't know how to deal with it, they don't know what to do when Emily is falling apart and it hurts to see her this way just because Alison acts like she does. Emily doesn't know if the tears will ever stop falling and she's glad that the girls are with her even if they can't help her, at least she's feeling like she has some people who actually care about her and who don't think that she's completely useless and worthless, because right now she feels like she isn't worth anything, maybe that's the reason why Alison didn't bother to text or call, because she doesn't deserve a reaction from the blonde girl she loves. Eventually she calms down an hour later, not because it hurts less, it's just the fact that she can't cry anymore it's like she reached the limit and there are no tears left and she feels devastated and absolutely broken and she can't be near her friends right now, so she sends them away, Spencer takes the sleeping Hanna with her and Emily really appreciates that her friends are following her request, because now she can crawl into her bed and can think about this mess that she calls her life. And when she reaches her room she takes her diary from under her bed and reads it trough, every little moment she has spent with Alison and she counts the times that Ali let her down and it's way to much to be normal and she knows that she shouldn't keep holding onto something that is destroying her, because that is what loving Alison does to her, but how can she let this go, when she is sure that she could never ever in a million years love somebody the way she loves Alison? And it's almost midnight when she is at the end of the diary and she knows that she has to write about her birthday the next day, another text about how Alison doesn't care about her and let her down again and she knows that she will be crying when she writes it because she doesn't want to memorize it, but you can't write a diary where you just write down the good things, this isn't how it works, so she has to write this one down too.
When her phone rings Emily is nearly jumping out of her skin because it's almost midnight and she was in another world with her thoughts so she stares at her display and she can't believe that it's Alison who's calling and she really is tempted to ignore it for a second, but who is she trying to fool, she can't ignore Alison, because it's Alison and she loves this girl with every single piece of her broken heart, even if the blonde is shattering it even more than it already is and Emily knows that she can't take more because she is already broken and she doesn't know how to fix it, yet she takes her phone and answers the call. "Hey Em." She hears Alison's voice and she wants to cry immediately because she sounds so happy and she wonders who it is that makes her so happy and it's a painful stab to her heart to think that Alison could be with some guy right now. "Em? You're there?" Alison asks and for a moment she thinks that the blonde is worried about her, but this night has already told her that she doesn't care so she can't get her hopes up again. "Yeah." She says quietly and Alison keeps on talking "I wanted to say Happy Birthday, I'm sorry I didn't make it, there was a car crash at the highway, I hope you had a great party." "Hmm" Emily mumbles, holding back the tears because she is so hurt right now, because Alison keeps on acting like this isn't a big thing, like it's normal to call when the birthday is almost over without even apologizing for not showing up or even saying that she can't make it. "You okay, Em?" Alison asks her and that is the moment Emily snaps because she can't take this any longer. "Are you serious Ali? No I'm fucking not okay and you know that damn well!" She practically screams and it's silent for a moment, she isn't sure if Ali's shocked about her reaction or if she tries to make something up to calm her down. "Em, I... I'm sorry, okay? I didn't knew it would take this long..." Ali stutters out and Emily is so hurt because that's all the blonde has to say to her. "No it's not okay Alison. I waited all day for you to call me or text me, you promised to come and now you're acting like it isn't that big of a deal, but for me it is..." She knows that she sounds broken and she hates it, she hates how Alison has her in her hands and how she's able to break her heart, yet she's always running back to her like a puppy who was punched for doing something it shouldn't have done. "I didn't knew that." Alison says silently and Emily laughs, not because she finds it funny, not she just can't deal with this any longer. "Sure you didn't knew that, because you don't care Alison, you don't give a shit about the people who care about you..." She hesitates a second before she says "the ones who love you... And I'm tired of it, I really am because you know damn well how much I love you and I hate how much I love you because all you do is hurt me all over again just because you can and I can't do this anymore, because it makes me sick... I don't know why I'm telling you this because clearly you are way to caught up into your relationship with whoever you're dating right now and I really don't want to bother you with my shit, but I think it's better if we stop our friendship at this point because I can't keep doing this." She lets out a sharp breath and it's dead silent on the other end of the line, for a moment she thinks that Alison has dropped the call, and she feels how tears are falling from her eyes again, because she just quitted her friendship with Alison, the one person in this world who was in charge of her heart and she felt empty and broken and now she knows why people can die because of a broken heart, because she feels like she's dying, she doesn't want to get up ever again. "Em, I swear I didn't knew that it's that bad, I thought you were over it... I'm sorry, I really am, you have to believe me, I will make it up to you, please don't do this..." "Don't make promises you can't hold, Alison." Em whispers trough her tears and continues her speech "I have to do this and I'm sorry too, because I know that this is all my fault, I shouldn't have fallen for you, I know it's stupid, but I will never be over you and I can't do this right now..." She's sobbing at this point and when Alison speaks again she can clearly hear that the girl on the other line is crying too and it breaks her all over again, when she imagines Alison crying, but she can't do this any longer. "Em, please don't do this... I can't li... I don't want to lose you..." Emily wonders what it was that Alison wanted to say first, but she knows that she's probably never going to find out. "I'm sorry, goodbye Ali, I love you... forever." She hangs up and breaks down crying on the floor and now she's truly heartbroken.
