The Art of Still Pretending

Seventeen

Blair POV.
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"So..." This is the first time Noah's tried talking to me, since we got into the car. I was hoping he would wait thirty more minutes until we were back, so I could of avoided talking at all.

"Sorry you had to take your burger to go..." I'm looking out the window, playing with the hem of my shirt.

"Not sorry you went on a date with Jake?" What I hear, is not the Noah I'm used to. All the playfulness, amusement in his voice is not there. Just a sad almost bitter tone.

"I'm sorry I slept with you." I can't apologize for going on a date with Jake, because I'm not sorry. And I won't lie to him, because that wouldn't be fair to anyone.

He lets out a sad laugh, "That's not something a guy wants to hear." I keep staring out the window, I guess this had to happen. We couldn't keep pretending that night didn't happen. "Be honest, did I even have a chance?"

No.

"You've always been the one I know I should choose."

"The safe bet."

"I'm sorry Noah." I turn and look at him. His usual smile is replaced with a sad one.

"I know you are." Theres a long pause before he starts to talk again. "Their going to put you through hell."

"At this point, I deserve it."

"Can't argue with that." Noah's looks at me and smiles. I smile back, knowing that his usual attitude is coming back.

"Do you..." I know the answer is obvious, but I need to ask. "Do you still like me?"

"Yea."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault you have a rocking bod and a stunning personality." I know he says that to make me laugh, but it just makes me feel worse. "It's ok Blair, I'll get over it."

Four words I have said to someone before. Four words that are the biggest load of shit.

***
The rest of the car ride was quiet and he dropped me off home. The house is quiet when I get back. Natalie and Blake are either gone or in Natalie's room.

I don't want to spoil their night, so I'm deciding to just stay hidden in my room. Budding from all the questions I know they'll have.

I must have drifted to sleep, because I'm woken up by a voice at my door. "Blair, can I come in?" Jake.

"Yea," I try my best not to yawn. He opens the door and steps in, I look over to my alarm that reads 12:03. "You can turn on the light." I say, and he does. "What are you doing here so late?"

"I was an asshole."

"Hmmm, must run in your family."

He lets out a laugh and gets on my bed, "Yea." He lays down next to me, and stares up at the ceiling. "You deserve to be the first choice. Not second best, not almost picked, you deserve to be a guy's world."

He pauses, "So don't go back to him, don't do that to yourself. He doesn't love you, he's just using you like he always does Blair."

He was right, and deep down I knew that. Even though I wish it wasn't true. He doesn't love me. And I can't keep thinking that just because he keeps coming back to me. He loves the power he has over me, and he loves that he wins every time. I take him back, and he wins.

"Don't pick him." He whispers to me.

I turn my body and look at him. Does he want me to pick him?

My heart drops with what he says next, "But don't pick me either. Because we won't work."

"Why, why won't we work?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

He turns his head and looks at me. I hate how similar their eyes are, and I hate that I don't know which ones I like better.

He sighs, "Do you know what I see when I look into your eyes?" I remain quiet, waiting for an answer. "The same thing you see when you look into his. A person that will always be second option to another."

   I place my head on his shoulder. I know he's right, I know he's telling the truth. At least the truth for now.

I already feel it changing, my feelings. But I can't tell him that, I can't be selfish. It would be unfair to both of us if I did. He doesn't do girlfriends, and I can't have both of them. So me choosing to not say anything, is the only right thing to do.

   "So you and Ashlyn?"

   "Don't hate me if I tell you."

   I laugh, "I don't think I could." I know I haven't know him for the longest time, but somethings different with him. He makes me comfortable, like I was with Grayson. But instead of the up and down roller coaster I had with him, I have a ride that only goes up with Jake.

   "I liked her."

   I try not to gag at that. "I would say you have terrible taste in girls, but that would be insulting myself."

   He laughs and then becomes serious, "When I was...I was in a dark place in high school. Did any drug, got shit faced everyday, didn't go to school, got kicked off the team. I was bad and when I was kicked off the team, I got worse. Ashlyn and Grayson had been on one of their monthly break ups. And I went to a party. I was super coked up, super drunk, and Ashlyn found me. Grayson wouldn't answer her phone calls, thinking she was just trying to get back together. So she took it upon herself to help me. Took me to her place, cleaned me up. I've always had a crush on her, the sweet pretty girl that always came over and always laughed at my jokes, and then here she was. Like an angel sent down, taking care of me."

   We are both staring up at the ceiling. I know, I shouldn't say anything and I won't. This isn't a conversation where it needs two people to talk. Just one, and one to listen.

   He kept going on, "I know being drugged up and drunk is no excuse, but I kissed her. And I don't know if she was pissed at my brother, or sad, or maybe even she felt something for me too. But she kissed me back, and we slept together. I thought he would never be able to forgive me, I hated myself. So the next night, I took more drugs and drank more alcohol. And od'd. Almost didn't make it. And Grayson thought, he thought it was his fault. But it was mine, because I was the fucked up shitty brother who slept with his girlfriend. I told him that, when he was crying and asking me." He chocked up a sad laugh, "He was asking me to forgive him. Me. And do you know what he did when I told him what happened? He said it was ok and forgave me without hesitation, and forgave her. I told myself I would never do that to him again. Never be that much of a fuck up. I cleaned up my act, went to rehab, told myself to stay away from any girl he looks at. But then I met you."

   He turns his head slightly and looks down at me. "You were something else, Blair Knight."

•••
Jake POV.
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   I want her, and fuck. Believe me, I know I shouldn't. But there's something about her that draws me in. But I won't do anything.

   I'm not a bad person for looking...right?

   So that's what I'll do, I'll admire her from afar. She's my guilty pleasure.

Blair Knight.

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