Cry a little to be fine ~TodoBaku~

Chapter 6: you made my shirt soggy, dumbass

TW // self harm, mentions of suicide, internalised homophobia

Katsuki Bakugo

One of the boys from school hit me today. It wasn't a hit that I saw coming, nor thought I'd deserved, but it was a welcome surprise. Love seemed like such an easy thing to spread to people, right? I was so grateful for it, I gave him some love back! But he didn't want my love..he cried, when I showed him that I loved him, and I got into trouble.

I didn't understand. Isn't love a good thing? Do some people not want love? Is it because it was me? Does the boy not want love from other boys? But...he showed me love, so...?

When I got home, I had the overwhelming urge to... say that I loved myself. I walked into the bathroom, and I took Father's razor from the top of the sink. I was quick, and dragged it gently across my arm. It stung, but I didn't mind. Because I felt love, in it's purest form. A love that had been shown to me a thousand times over, laid bare on my arm.

"Love is shown by hugs, by kisses, by spending time together, by reading books aloud, by laughing at stupid things together, and by being there when you're most needed! Love is NOT shown by hurt, and suffering!"

It didn't make sense. Love was something physical that left a mark on you. That's all I was sure of in my life...love wasn't easy to take, but it was a lasting mark that never left. Father and Mother loved me a lot, constantly leaving marks on me to show it....but.....after what Todoroki said...I felt ashamed of their love. I felt like their love wasn't the best love I could have.

I wanted hugs. I wanted kisses. I wanted to spend time together. I wanted to read books aloud. I wanted to laugh at stupid things together. I wanted to be there when someone needed me. I didn't want hurt and suffering...

...and I wanted to love Todoroki. Not my kind of love, his.

I shot awake in a daze, covered in sweat. My room wasn't that warm even, but I still felt like I was being chargrilled. I was out of breath as well, panting like a dog. Todoroki walked him, having likely heard the commotion, and sat on the end of the bed.

"Same dream?"

"....different one, actually..."

"Oh? A new one? What's this one about then...?"

"....first time I cut myself..."

"..."

"Hey, asshole?"

"..."

"If you fell asleep, you're dead meat!"

"...I'm awake, just..."

"Spit it out"

"....my brother used to cut as well, and....he never got better..."

"..."

"...until one day he.....made a big cut in the wrong place...or maybe the right one, according to him..."

"....shit..."

"You see why I care now? I've seen it before, and I didn't fucking help him, so I can't not help you, Bakugo..."

I could see even in the dim light that he was tearing up. I held out my scarred arm to him, and he got on the bed tentatively. I awkwardly patted his shoulder, not quite sure what to say. I suddenly felt...really shit for all the trouble I was causing him with this. Understanding why someone wants to help you makes it so much easier to let them...

A lone tear trickled down his face, and I instinctively wiped it away. He flinched a little when I touched him, but soon moved closer to me, head resting nervously on my shoulder. He didn't look up at me, just softly cried into me.