Hard For Me

06

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"You know, there was a tiny hope that maybe, maybe, there will be a chance to bring back our old bond again. And I was right. The chance to bring back our old bond was possible. But the chance to have her love at that time was still nil." I shook my head. "We had a talk over dinner one time. She told me that she regret what she accused me. That Draco finally spilled her the truth. But still, her heart yearns for him. After all the lies she's fed, Rose is still in love with the man who's not me."

What I said made my chest tight. I still can't get over that fact. Love is really powerful. Just as much as she yearn for him, I, on the other hand, do the same as well. How can I make her see me? How can I make her love me?

"So, how did it went this time?" my therapist asked.

Saglit akong napatingin sa kanya. Kalaunan ay natawa.

"Our fathers decided to bring up the marriage again," I chuckled.

"What is her reaction then?"

I played with my bottom lip. "She agreed."

"She agreed?"

I nodded. "She did. I became the happiest man alive when she said that she will learn to love me. I even encourage her to use me as she move on from that guy..

"Five years ago, May 5th, we got wed at the park where our family usually gather before. Her mother told me she wanted a grand church wedding so I just let them do what they want. Getting married to Rose is the most important agenda of this after all.

"Everything was doing well until I saw Draco. He had cuts on his face that time and wore dirty clothes. It was already the reception when he came. When he saw me he immediately punched me. He said he'll take Rose away from me." My jaw tightened.

"I would lie if I say that I wasn't threatened. Rose hasn't fully healed from him and if their paths cross again, I'm sure Rose will leave me. So I did the most selfish move. I forced her to live with me here in Italy. I settled our house in the most secure residence and monitored her 24/7.

"I think I was scared too much to the point that I didn't notice that I was suffocating her. I knew she still hasn't learned to love me so I did those. I tried to be more romantic but I think I became a monster to her eyes. I don't know what happened to me that time. I became a drunkard. Until it got to the point where I turned my sexual frustration to other women."

I really want to punch myself. How did I do that? How the hell did I fucking do that to her? I love her. How dare myself hurt her?

"One time I woke up with a hangover. I thought I was at some hotel again after a night with a random woman. But I wasn't. I was in Rose's room. And.. And she was beside me, n-naked, her back facing me but she was sniffing. That made me sit up quickly because I can't remember anything. There is a blood stain on the sheets which means one thing." I gulped. "I.. I raped her.. I raped my love, my wife, my life. I raped her."

For the nth time, I broke down again. Whenever I'm reminded of this, I can't help but think of how evil I've become.

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