i cant do this anymore

-chapter 10-

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tw

i woke up to a weight on me, i looked up to see skylar instantly making me smile and blush at what happened. i looked at my curtains to see no light and i checked my phone as it said 2am. whelp. im not getting any more sleep.

instead of even trying to sleep, i just looked at sky. her small snores coming from her mouth. god her lips. i wanted to touch them again. well that sounded weird. i smiled just admiring her. i brought my hand up to her hair taking out the braid she had in, and starting running my hands through causing her to shift slightly and her to let out a moan. dang that was hot

"stop staring at me you bozo." i jumped at her mumbling. causing her to chuckle and i replied, "sorry beautiful but its hard not to, go back to sleep." she shifted and turned over and looked into my eyes. she smiled and leaned to peck my forehead, my nose, my cheek, and then my lips. i could feel the heat coming onto my neck and face. i pushed my head into her neck breathing in her scent. she laughed and wrapped her arms around me whispering something that i just groaned at.

"huh" i asked groggily. "go back to sleep love." i sighed and closed my eyes.

all you could hear was our shallow breathing, and billie in the background.

one word, paradise.

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i was awoken by knocks on my door. right before they the door opened i had sprinted out of bed, knocked skylar on the other side of the bed making her groan loudly.

oops. i looked to my door just to see ashlynn coming through making me sigh a relief. "calm down its just me. um why is skylar on the floor." ashlynn asked while walking over to help sky up. "i dont know why dont you ask jordan." skylar said swinging her hand up and pointing to me. i scoffed and then closed my door explaining, "well sorry but i kinda dont want my very homophobic parents to see you on me skylar." i threw my hands up. shit, shut up shut up shut up. i reached my hands up into my hair and started pulling. go ahead say something, say it. say. it. "no. no. no. shut up. shut up. SHUT UP." ashlynn left skylar running over to me and brought her arms around my waist. i could see her mouth moving but i couldnt understand what she was saying. theyre gonna find out. theyre gonna punish you. do it. do what youve always wanted. my breathing picked up, wait huh? i couldnt breathe. i. couldnt. breathe. i closed my eyes and fell into the floor. panic attack 1. panic attack 2. panic attack 3. one. two. three. youre gonna die. keep doing it. youre almost there. no no no no no i cant do this not right now. shut up. DO IT.

"NO SHUT UP." i screamed. i opened my eyes to see skylar kneeled down in front of me with her hands on my shoulders. she saw me open my eyes and she moved her hands to my cheeks. my eyes were looking around franticly. i saw two legs around me along with two arms coming from behind, ashlynn. i looked back up at skylar and into her eyes. focus. all at once she leaned down and brought her lips to mine, my hands going to where her hands were on my cheek. i could feel my heartbeat through my chest. slow motion. i could feel ashlynns hands going up and down my sides, knowing that comforts me. i unclench my jaw and my whole body, melting into skylar, instantly calming me down. i closed my eyes and leaned into her. she moved away and brought her forehead to mine whispering breathe, its okay, and all those words that are supposed to help, im not sure.

after a while, my shaking had stopped, i could breathe normally, even though my heartbeat was going crazy. those two hands disappeared from my side, leaving for a few minutes. i looked up seeing a shadow, it being ashlynn with a water bottle as she opened it, got on her knees and put it to my mouth. i slowly took my hands from skylars and onto the water bottle taking a sip or two, almost loosing my grip on the bottle but ashlynn kept it steady while skylar rubbed my back, occasionally leaving small kisses on my temple.

"im sorry." i whispered taking a deep breath. "its okay love, here lets get off the floor." skylar reached her arms under mine lifting me up, i had no energy, i couldnt move. ashlynn got up and help skylar as they sat my down. skylar reached up and put her hands under my hoodie and pulled up, taking it off. she opened my closet and got a short sleeve shirt. "no." i mumbled. i cant wear short sleeves. i crossed my arms since neither of them had seen me like this in a while, before i gained weight, before i destroyed my body. skylar reached out and pulled my arms, uncrossing them and taking my hands on her waist as she put hers on my neck, "i dont care what you look like jordan, you can change in a little, but now youre wearing this." i opened my mouth to object but she looked at me, as if she was daring me to test her. i put my head down breathing in and out, as ashlynn put the shirt on me.

i looked at my arms, you cants even see the normal original skin, its all scars from 2 years ago and up, some still scabbed over from a week ago. i winced as skylar took my arm, slowing kissing each mark, i tried jerking my arm away, but dang she has a good grip. ashlynn looked at me and nodded, mouthing i love you, kissed my head and ruffled skylars and walked out, locking my door too. i looked back at skylar as she finished, she had tears in her eyes. i frowned and brought her into my arms as i said im sorry multiple time in her ear. "theres more isnt there." she mumbled in my chest. sighing i shook my head yes. causing her to shake, trying to hold in a sob. I got my l.e.d remote and changed it to her favorite color, which was pink. i smiled and scooted back and opened my arms for her. she crawled into them as i brought my blanket over us. kissing her forehead scratching her back slightly.

i sighed once again, looking up at my clock seeing it display, 11:50. i wrapped my arms around skylar, and closing my eyes. what have i done.

1155 words