cigarettes after sex

truly

Johnny and Jaehyun had sex just a few days after that and Johnny never understood why or how it happened. It just did and there was no way of explaining it. He was inclined to dismiss the matter as some kind of inexplicable phenomena, a magic trick played by some infallible higher force that one could not fathom. He likewise did not try to draw a conclusion, he continued seeking the perfect girl but never quite succeeding at that never wondered why. If he had something to talk to, he would say that he'd just been unlucky and he had to keep looking. If the person he talked to had some sort of an intellect they would say that maybe it wasn't that he was unlucky. But he did not have that person and he didn't talk about it. He continued using Jaehyun as a substitute whilst he searched for the right one, but considered Jaehyun his best friend, his brother and soulmate.

In a way, the relationship they had was what he expected to have with a girl one day.
Jaehyun got to know his parents, Jaehyun was spending summers in their country house near Seoul. Jaehyun had nowhere else to go and Johnny liked to have company. They did most things together. They passed evenings together in front of a campfire, they helped Johnny's dad to fix things in the household, Jaehyun helped him repairing the porch. They stayed together even after high school, living together simply because it was convenient and Johnny was working at school as the school's counsellor. Jaehyun helped him to study for the entrance exam to the institute of science when Johnny decided to study psychology, he was his mother telling him to go to sleep seeing his desk light on from the kitchen, he was the girl Johnny ever really wanted, he was never just Jaeyhun, never himself. Jaehyun was a collection of roles played by a single expert actor, but he never had a chance to be a person besides its profession as an actor. Johnny never saw him as one. He was this and that but never the person he truly was. The person he aspired to be and was trying to become.
Jaehyun was not that slow on the uptake, he knew. He learned fast, but not fast enough, that there would never be a girl for him and that Johnny was too stuffy a person to realize that. Jaehyun was in denial, but it was that kind of denial where you are aware of that which is denied but pretend not to be.
Things were going to explode this reunion evening and Jaehyun was ready to let them burst. He was getting tired of the hide-and-seek game he had been playing with himself for the past years and was ready to let things explode. He knew very well what was at stake and he was at that point where he didn't care. 
It was chaotic energy that was floating in the air, the group that had gathered at the back of Chenle's huge mansion consisted of Jaehyun, Johnny and Doyoung who had been in the same grade, Mark, Donghyuck, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun who were younger but some sort of friends due to Haechan's and Taeyong's relation and Chenle and Jisung everyone knew only because they threw this famous parties that you just could not miss. It was a weird mood, without Taeyong, they did not have a single thing they had in common, no string to hold them together. In school, Mark, Taeyong, Johnny and Jaehyun often stood in a circle by the fence of the school and pretended to have conversations, because noone actually dared to eavesdrop noone doubted their friendship but now you couldn't just pretend, you had to act and act fast because otherwise something different would come to explode and noone desired to find out what.  Taeyong had moved to Korea so the first thing to break the spell of dead silence was Doyoung's remark on Taeyong's departure. Donghyuck had imparted that he'd see him that summer and Doyoung just nodded although he was going to Soul this summer too. Doyoung disliked Donghyuck. Then Chenle complained about his neighbor. They started pouring the first drinks. The neighbour was a callous, heartless racist. He would squint and make his eyes slim when arguing to mimic Chenle, which was the main reason he called him racist. That and his references to Vietnam in Chenle's presence. Jisung regularly reminded him that he could move somewhere else but Chenle always spread his hands on the table mouthing a silent "This?" which would mean that he wouldn't trade this for anything as there weren't much temples like these waiting for him to move in. They had put heart and soul into the construction of the house, it was a masterpiece made by a swedish designer special for them. Selling it would mean selling some part of the soul. At this point Jisung usually snorted and sighed that they could always go to the police, which Chenle would oppose by saying that people like him were the police. One could not argue with that. The topic would be dropped quickly, replaced by omnipresent forces of silence, deadening silence that would make everyone regret coming there until Haechan would ask for another drink and Jaehyun play the waiter. The drinks served were mojito, red bull with vodka and beer. Sometimes a shot but never of vodka.
When Dongyhuck reached out for a drink, his gaze fell on Jaehyun's hand, slowly climbing up his wrist to his elbow, it was his third or fourth time meeting Jaehyun, his first time to meet him not just occasionally and now he had time to finally notice the tattoo on one side of his arm. He wondered if there were more. He asked Jaehyun to hold his arm there for a second and brushed his fingers over the black ink. It was a minimalistic depiction of a burning heart,  approximately two inches big, with no filling, just the thin outlines. Jaehyun showed him the rest, all on his arms. Hyuck was fascinated. Jaehyun adored every part of the process, he adored picking one, showing it to the artist, feeling the needles on his skin, he simply loved it. The pain was endurable, it made him feel something, which he liked, and the result would be a permanent reminder of that pain taken, endured and enjoyed. What Jaehyun was working? He was an event manager, he replied. His employer never had an issue with tattoos. He had seen them, Jaehyun insisted. He just didn't care. Such a tolerant country, this had come from Mark to whom all the present heads whirled and on whom they staid focused for a moment. Donghyuck agreed, he was clenching his jaw, first to look away.  Jeno clasped his thigh.  "Try explaining that to my neighbour, I wonder what he has to say on the topic"
Mark laughed. Chenle was dead serious. He was placated by Jisung who refilled his cup with beer and pushed it towards Chenle. It was equivalent to the words "Take it and chill". Chenle obliged.
Renjun was eager to play "never have I ever" and nobody cared to find out why although it was "never have I ever" that they played next. Haechan was the only one to protest, persisting that he had done nothing and would never get to drink. He was ignored, they played the game. Surprisingly, Renjun strived to find something that even Dongyhuck would have to drink at. "Never have I ever had feelings for any of those present". Everyone except Johnny drank, everyone, even Jisung and Johnny was baffled, he demanded an explanation. Jaemin and Jeno were dating so that excluded them from his request for clarification, Renjun used to date Jaemin. Jisung and Chenle had probably interpreted "feelings" as platonic feelings and Doyoung had actually meant Taeyong but forgot he was in Korea which had almost caused him to cry.
Johnny moved on to Jaehyun, it was at that moment when Jaemin lost his temper, and started squabbling with Jeno who had told him to be careful every time Jaemin told him something had scratched, was scratching him again and could endure no more "Be careful"'s. He had totally lost it. Renjun produced a cactus form his bag, which was the last thing one would expect him to produce but suddenly everything made sense. It was one of the cactuses he inherited form ty, the rest went over to dy. Rj always admired this one cactus everytime he had seen it in ty apartment, ty used to tutor him in School so he had seen ty place, occasionally. Ty told dy to pass on the cactus, there were not many occasions to do so other than this.
"It seems to me you have a problem. There's a mantra for this", he had placed the cactus in front of him and drove on," relax, release, ease. You know, these are not just some words, they keep me going. Well, what can I say, I'm a peaceful guy in general"
He wasn't, he was the most spiteful, mean person jm ever knew.
For a moment the table they were gathered around and the places between the single chairs they were seating on were dominated by silence. Jm was composing his face, remodelling it, aiming for a serious, unyelding look he then gave rj as he said, his voice calm and even,"I hope you know that you should be put in a madhouse because that's where you belong, you sick little bitch"
Jn wanted to show his support as he searched for the right words,"Yes, you sick, vicious, mad... mad man"
Jm couldn'T believe he had spent a minute on rj, a minute of his precious time on a person like rj. He couldn't believe there was ever a time where he looked at him and thought, this is the person i want to be with. Wj seemed everythin g but a person worthy of that thought, of his or anyone's regard. To jm he was sick and absolutely a lost cause, you were stamped as hopeless if you had any business with this man. Jm stopped viewing him as a human, rj was not even an animal, not an insect. Jm didn'T know what exactly rj was.
J was interrogating jh, but was unable, simply not qualified enough to encrypt jh words that he slurred, breathed and sometimes omitted, could not elicit anything useful rather than jh' attempts to invent a new sound that ought to be invented, convincing himself that this was totally ridiculous but carrying on with his interrogation regardless. He thought it was possible that it was m jh drank for, but he wasn't so sure.
CJohnny and Jaehyun had sex just a few days after that and Johnny never understood why or how it happened. It just did and there was no way of explaining it. He was inclined to dismiss the matter as some kind of inexplicable phenomena, a magic trick played by some infallible higher force that one could not fathom. He likewise did not try to draw a conclusion, he continued seeking the perfect girl but never quite succeeding at that never wondered why. If he had something to talk to, he would say that he'd just been unlucky and he had to keep looking. If the person he talked to had some sort of an intellect they would say that maybe it wasn't that he was unlucky. But he did not have that person and he didn't talk about it.
Jaehyun was no fool. Jaehyun didn't take long to figure things out. He was aware Johnny used him as a substitute and if someone as soft as him was capable to hate than he definitely hated being the second choice.
Jaehyun got to know his parents, Jaehyun was spending summers in their country house near Seoul.They passed evenings together in front of a campfire, they helped Johnny's dad to fix things in the household, Jaehyun helped him repairing the porch. Jaehyun helped him to study for the entrance exam of the institute of science when Johnny decided to study psychology, he was his mother telling him to go to sleep seeing his desk light on from the kitchen, he was the girl Johnny ever really wanted, he was never who he really was. just Jaeyhun, he was never himself. Jaehyun was a collection of roles played by a single expert actor, but he never had a chance to be a person besides its profession. He was this and that but never the person he truly was. The person he aspired to be and was trying to become.
Although he was always positive, Jaehyun knew that Johnny was not exactly very happy. His relationships never lasted longer than a month and he knew that this wasn't about to change. Jaehyun waited until Johnny realized that, which he realized ages ago. That this between them worked better than any relationship. He waited whole years. They were still occupying the flat at the dorms where they stayed only because Johnny was working for the school as their counsellor. They were doing most things together. They shared most of their friends, they were spending most of the time together.
Things were going to explode this reunion evening and Jaehyun was ready to let them burst. He knew very well what was at stake and was at that point where he didn't care. It was his first time to go to such event and he didn'T know what to expect of it. The people present were Jaehyun, Johnny and Doyoung who had been in the same grade, Mark, Donghyuck, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun who were younger but some sort of friends due to Haechan's and Taeyong's relation and Chenle and Jisung everyone knew only because they threw these famous parties that you just could not miss. Without Taeyong who was this string holding everything together, it was a random gathering of opportunistic passers-by lost on their way somewhere completely different. Without Taeyong they were just a bunch of strangers. Well, Jaehyun, Johnny, Doyoung and Mark have at least some sort of a shared past. Dongyhuck had been Mark's best friend. Jaemin and Jeno were dating and Hyuck was Jeno's flatmate. Still doesn't feel right.
They started exchanging stories of Chenle's famous parties. Stories of how they played beer pong with water because there was never enough money for so much beer, of how stupid and young they were, then they were sharing what paths they had chosen and what they were doing. Mark was studying Photography, Donghyuck Maths, Jaemin was training to become a nurse, Jisung was working for non-profit organizations and etc.
After pouring the first drinks, Renjun suggested they played "Never have I ever".
Haechan was the only one to protest, persisting that he had done nothing and would never get to drink. He was ignored, they played the game. Surprisingly, Renjun strived to find something that even Dongyhuck would have to drink at. "Never have I ever had feelings for any of those present". Everyone except Johnny drank, everyone, even Jisung and Johnny was baffled, he demanded an explanation. Jaemin and Jeno were dating so that excluded them from his request for clarification, Renjun used to date Jaemin. Jisung and Chenle had probably interpreted "feelings" as platonic feelings and Doyoung had actually meant Taeyong but forgot he was in Korea which had almost caused him to cry.
Johnny wanted to move on to Jaehyun but Jaehyun was busy downing shots of tequilla so when he was finally able to interrogate him, Jaehyun was simply not in the right state, slurring, breathing and swallowing words instead of actually speaking. Johnny could not elicit anything useful rather than jh' attempts to invent a new sound that ought to be invented, convincing himself that this was totally ridiculous but carrying on with his interrogation regardless. He thought it was possible that it was m jh drank for, but he wasn't so sure.