cigarettes after sex

nothing's gonna hurt you baby

"Raise your hands where we can see them!"
Jeno stepped back, Mark looked down. One of the policemen present walked up to Donghyuck and helped him onto his feet. Everybody was silent. Hyuck made the whole noise as he attempted to steady himself, regulate his breaths. His hands were spread over his face like a veil and as he was standing and the policeman, actually a policewoman, backed away and joined her two colleagues, there seemed to have been communicated an implicit order to focus on Haechan. On his faintly trembling fingers, on his rounded shoulders, the hump jutting from his back. He dropped his hands revealing the thrashed flesh of his face, the red eyes and a slow but long-lasting smile. It was directed at one of the officers that registering that crook of a smile started, produced a small lamp and  held it to his eyes.
Johnny stepped up and struck up a conversation with the alleged eye doctor, all the while peaking at Donghyuck, failing to stay focused. Hyuck absently fluttered his eyelashes, blood previously tainting his cheeks, forehead and chin deserted his face leaving it sickeningly white. The chapped lips of his mouth hanging lethargically open.
Jaehyun and Johnny would leave silently and ignore what had happened for days that would amass to whole weeks, neither of them trusting himself enough to speak on the subject. Only words on their mind regarding the incident were "What a fucking psycho", which they knew were very mean words, too mean even for them. Jaehyun would forget, then suddenly remember, recall the face and see it flashing past him at most random times. He would cook dinner and whilst chopping a vegetable abruptly shudder and drop the blade. He would shave and the blade would just slip from his fingers. Sometimes he'd remember it before falling asleep and then turn to shake it off. Strangely, the words "What a fucking psycho" with time, would turn into "What if it was me" then finally into"It was me, wasn't it?". He tried not to indulge these thoughts and was too weary to trust Johnny with his doubts. He felt terribly lonely.
On one of his visits to his mother's grave he was so agitated he had stopped in the middle of the street running to the cemetery and observed the world keep moving in spite of his stillness. He was quiet but irritated. Johnny kept asking and was very persistent to know what girl had him so worked up. Jh wasn't seeing any girl. He decided not to object whenever Johnny brought it up.
Jaehyun would spend more time outside, away from Johnny because his very face, something about his smiles and constant positivity was exasperating. Not irritating, not annoying, but exasperating, tiring. Jaehyun could not force himself to lighten up and faking it tired faster than he could tolerate.
As he yelled a "I'm off to the the aunt's" and heard Johnny's steps accelerate nearing him while he untied his working tie, he was perfectly aware that his "I'm off to the aunt's" was just an excuse to not be there. To get away, escape, not see Johnny for at least an hour.
"Now?" J had just materialized in the doorframe and with a swift dart of his eyes to his wristwatch raised one single brow. When he looked up and at Jaehyun, Jaehyun hoped he would notice something going on there, something Jaehyun would have failed to cover up and wince, grimace like people do when spooked or nonplussed. What he did was say"It's so late" instead. Jaehyun inclined his head which passed for a lazy nod. "Text me if you need anything"
Here, right there it was. A smothered cry of a passing emotion, a jolt shaking the ice of his face, almost a crack, almost something. But it really was nothing.
Johnny nodded.
Jaehyun had an ugly impulse to say something cruel. He held back. It was an impulse he knew well not to follow.

The store was not actually run by Jaehyun's aunt. It was an old friend, more an acquaintance that Jaehyun's mother always greeted and which was actually the only reason Jaehyun assumed they were acquainted. The store was Jaehyun's main ramyun supplier,  he visited it at least once a week. What set him on edge when he entered it was that the alleged aunt was not there. He was definitely going to lose it. Whole day without a single incident and he was going to lose it in front of a stuttering rookie apologizing for taking too long to find the barcode.
He walked out and stood by the doors. He was trying to sparkle his cigarette but the wind kept constantly blowing out the flame. "Fucking great" Inhaling the smoke, he for the first time since his very first cigarette,  coughed.  A man, stepping towards the entrance gave him a curious look, Jaehyun wanted to retort with a smile but caught his jaw clenching instead, he coughed, swallowed and pressed the tip of the cigarette stubbornly on his lips.
He was headed back when before even reaching the underground, he abruptly stopped and turned around. It was peripherally that he saw Donghyuck repose on a bench and now, taking another look he was absolutely sure it wasn't just some mistake. Haechan was there, alone and eating watermelon all by himself. Jaehyun was staring for a moment, indecisive,  then smiled and dropped on the spot just beside him. Hyuck seemed not to notice. Disposing of the used cigarette and projecting another, Jaehyun sidled up to him and offered him one, to which Haechan's response was rather ambiguous. His lips had snapped into a brief smile but eyes and forehead were still pretty dazed from the startle, he was not expecting Jaehyun and was trying not to let Jaehyun see it. It was quite a spectacle.
He was now glancing down, studying the bones of his knee under the fabric of his pants, tracing its edges and curves with his thumb. At some point his glance strayed away, dragging his head where it then settled. Some more minutes passed in silence which neither of them intended to break.
Jaehyun was still staring at him.
Hyuck wore a light grey pullover and baggy pants that hung loose from his knees and reminded Jaehyun of the swagger of the dingy ragged beggars that usually sat exactly like that, legs wide apart, humpback, drooping head. Jaehyun saw the parallels and almost chuckled, he finally averted his eyes and let them wander about aimlessly, he was starting to feel the pressure and wondered if h was going to do something about it. Wondered if h felt it too.
There was so much to ask and say, so much about h jh didn't know. Hyuck was a mystery, he was a walking representation of sophistication, charisma and ambiguity. He was a collection of unrelated stories, partially true gossips, myths and subsequently, biased associations. H was a puzzle put together by pieces picked from different sets based on their color. The pieces would pose as a finished puzzle, but were actually just laying very close to each other, not really connected. Jaehyun did know him from other people only. He was Taeyong's brother, supposedly very annoying, awesome in maths, and eventually nuts. And he wore baggy clothes as casually as though he belonged to the streets. Intriguing.
Jaehyun wondered if Taeyong knew this Haechan, the Haechan who ate watermelons in baggy clothes on a street bench. Perhaps that has been already brought up during supper, been made an issue of. Perhaps that was known as Hyuck's thing. Something he does sometimes, which is a part of his identity already. His habit that set him apart from the others.
Did everyone have that thing that made them stand out? Jaehyun thought of Johnny and almost shuddered. That lightness with which his thoughts floated with through and out of his head was superseded with heaviness, with a nearly physical weight in his chest. It was like a beat, a chord struck in drowning silence. He felt gloomy and awkward, he'd do anything to recover the soothing lightness.
"you seem like someone who needs to talk"
Jaehyun was not aware of Hyuck's persistent glance, of his eyes that sought his. Called out like that induced a wave of blind shock, he was startled and he could not begin to understand what about his appearance made Haechan think he wanted to talk to someone. Although that was exactly what he wanted to do.
"Why are you eating a watermelon on a bench by yourself"
"Say what you really want to say. You don't have to do smalltalk with me"
Jaehyun was startled by this too. Hyuck was frank and candid and straightforward, something Jaehyun never thought Donghyuck would be.
"Argh", he surrendered,"It's just. All these years I wanted him to-", he paused and his finger started drawing circles on the black fabric pulled tight over his thigh,"-make him notice. Tell him, without telling "You treat me like shit". No, i don't want to tell him that. He treats me fine. I don't know. I don't know what it is that's weighing on me. I just-", he paused again and cleared his throat, then he gesticulated,"- the look on your face. I wanted it to be me. Wanted him to look and... and notice"
He rolled his head from one shoulder to another from where he was glimpsing at Donghyuck and sighed.
"Notice what"
He gulped. "I don't know", he said and he sounded uncertain,"I hate him so much. I hate him. You know, people are coming up to me, we still live in the dorms, because he's the school counsellor, and they ask why we're still there, together. Like normal people move in with their girlfriends and stuff, it's actually a thing. And we still share the flat. I really can't tell why" His voice jumped to a higher octave towards the end.
"What do you think would happen if he noticed"
Jaehyun averted his eyes, he was thinking but with every thought shrinking further away. "Dunno. Didn't really think that far"
"Didn't you say-"
"No, I know what I said. I have been thinking about it, just not exactly what'd happen. I don't know"
Jaehyun remained silent for a moment, then said, he seemed agitated,"I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Usually, I talk to my mother about stuff like that. But she never talks back, obviously, so I'm not used to you know-.", he thought for a moment,"..I guess that's because I don't really know you and you kissed Mark"
"Nah-ah he kissed me"
Silence, again. Hyuck filled it up with smacking as he ate away at his watermelon. Jaehyun stayed focused on him, then on the berry. Then he said,"You know the watermelon confuses me"
As Haechan eyes widened and his brows shot high, Jaehyun added,"Because it's really his thing".
Hyuck released whatever he was holding before, relaxed whatever was flexed. "Ah. Yes, I know. I thought of him too, when I bought it. But also watermelons are fucking delicious"
Jaehyun nodded."Facts"
"Can you promise  to keep this to yourself, what I said before?"
"You mean that which you implied? Which you did not really say?"
"Exactly"
"Fine by me"He was raising a square of the berry to his lips that were pulled apart by a gasp and a smile "So can I tell Johnny?"
"I'm kidding, chill out"
"Or am I?"
"you're weird"
"I wish"
The watermelon was cracking apart in Haechan's mouth. "Rather be weird than basic"
"I think you're fine"
The crackle ceased and was replaced by a muffled sound of something verging on awe, gratitude and mockery. "No I meant-"
"Shh- you know how often people, actually pretty people compliment me? Never. Let me have the illusion this is an understatement."
"You're fine.", Jaehyun was patting Hyuck's shoulder,"You're good"
Haechan was looking away, blearily. "Yeah?"
"Yeah, totally Mark's taste"
"Mark's taste?Please, Mark's taste is flat breasted clothes hangers"
"Yeah you're just one with baggy clothes on it"
Haechan laughed. He was yet not facing Jaehyun and gave no signs of changing that anytime soon.
"Sweet"
He leaned back. The amusement was still traceable in the corners of his mouth, in his slashed eyes. He turned and offered Jaehyun a bite. Jaehyun thought Hyuck's face was not as homely as he imagined it.
"No thanks"
He was actually attractive. Had prominent cheekbones, round eyes, a straight nose, lovely, delicate lips, a neat chin. Why did it have to be Johnny again?
"you must be a cool friend", it was Donghyuck who said that. Jaehyun was surprised yet again.
"Huh?"
The pretty face showcased its fine profile. It didn't even make a wrinkle under his chin when he inclined his head, his jaw cut straight to his neck.
"You know, the one that takes you out shopping and stuff"
"Dude, your standards are low. Everyone who's not lazy enough is out there shopping"
"Am not. And I can stake this gorgeous watermelon on the fact that Mark wouldn't do it with me either. With you, it's different"
"Because I'm cool, I suppose?"
"Yes, because you're cool"
"Is it me or Mark you have a crush on again?"
"Does one have to have a crush to kiss someone?"
"No"
Hyuck shrugged.
"But yeah, I do have a crush I guess"
Being Jaehyun was so difficult because he could cry about unreciprocated feelings one moment and be a simp for a completely different person the next, suddenly hopeful Haechan could mean him and not Mark.
"Is it a crush when it lasts over four years?"
"You can't imagine how much I want someone to answer this question for me"
No, really, why did it have to be Johnny? If it was meant to be, then why was it so hard and who decided it? Who was it that proclaimed it a destiny, who put a stamp of "Has to happen" on it? Did Hyuck ask himself that too? Was he asking himself that now? Was it why he was suddenly so very quiet? Was it a struggle of his too?
Did he go to sleep and wake up with this thought first to greet and last to bid farewell with him? Was it making him sore and springy and irritated? Was it too on agenda of thoughts for every fucking day? Did it make him cry his soul out to strangers too?
"I don't think I feel anything at all. Just hate. Pretty bad, huh?"
Haechan was drawn by the sound of Jaehyun's voice, by its break as it went over in a whisper.
"Also, every time I committed myself to someone, the thing that made me want it always turned into disgust, I was literally disgusted by the very person I thought so well of."
"So you're afraid it would happen with Johnny too. Wow, that's heavy"
Jaehyun shrugged.
"It always fascinated me how people could stay married to just one person for years. Decades faithful to them. One single person. Can you imagine that? I mean, now you're probably gonna say I just didn't meet the right person yet, I've been hearing it so often growing up. And I never did. Now I'm 22 and there was never THE RIGHT person.
I think I want Johnny simply because I can't have him. I'm not in love with him. He can be an ass, you know. I really do hate him. Sometimes I want to scream in his face, like a curse or something, it's that bad"
"I can't imagine marrying anyone too. Commitment is bad enough when you're just dating."
"Exactly"
"Oh God we're actually so spoiled"
"Spoiled?"
"Yeah like those schmucks, the cliche playboys. I bet they talk this stuff too"
"Yeah they just add pussy and vag to every sentence"
Haechan was laughing so hard and silently that his face was a single grimace of pain and pleasure and irony all together.
"I'm sorry I thought you were a psycho before"
"Psycho?", Donghyuck didn't sound offended,"Why, I am one. And by that I don't mean psychotic. Just insane, yes. But no psychosis"
"Just insane? Is that the condition?"
"Insane, nuts, anxious, you name it"
"Alright", Jaehyun smiled,"So you're okay with people calling you crazy?"
"It's merely a fact. Besides, rather be crazy than basic, right?"
"Your obsession with exclusiveness is making me worry"
Haechan had an ingenuous, sincere smile emerging on his face.
"You don't have to worry, Jaehyun"
"Jaehyun", spoken out so softly, so effortlessly, casually, it was meant to remind Jaehyun of who he was. Not a friend, not a stranger, just Jaehyun, something else in between. It was both, disarming and disquieting. It made him feel included but excluded too. It reminded him that although he had no title, his name would do as good as any. His name was enough. Was this the beginning of their friendship? The first milestone reached and passed, were they going to keep in touch from then on? Jaehyun liked the idea. He could see them grab a drink from Starbucks, then head out searching for a bench to perch on, and on passing one, laugh, because it'd become their own insider. He wanted to hold on to that image, he wanted it to become his only reality. A reality with nothing else in it. Then he'd be truly happy, truly free. Then he'd not have to worry, to hurt and suffer. There'd be no illusion of what they'd be, they'd state it right at the start. They'd be friends, there'd be no misunderstanding about that. It 'd be so easy, so natural.
Jaehyun would phone him abruptly in the middle of the day, half an hour later they'd be already out walking.
They'd do no smalltalk, only say what really mattered, never talk just because it was better than silence. They'd travel together. They'd never waste each other's time.
Why did it have to be Johnny again?
"I'm sorry", Jaehyun apologized answering his phone. It was Mark. Jaehyun made Mark promise to call him every time Mark felt like giving up everything. It was a pinkie promise, which was obviously the strongest seal there was. Mostly Mark would like to keep personal things to himself, he was convinced that if one could not solve their own problems, no other person could do it for you. That one had to hold things in, put a lid on them and never come back. Simply move on. Sometimes even Mark could not apply this to himself. Sometimes even Mark had to have someone by his side.
His voice was certainly muffled and distorted, Donghyhck however recognized it, when Jaehyun hung up he was expecting an explanation.
"I'm afraid I have to go"
Hyuck didn't inquire any further. He nodded and was about to resume eating his meal as Jaehyun decided otherwise.
"Although, come to think of it, you could come with me"