cigarettes after sex

don't let me go

He thought that he knew Jaehyun, thought that he knew everything about that very name, the person behind that name, his habits, his character, but what he knew was just one facet of many.
He knew the version of Jaehyun Jaehyun cared to display. He knew the Jaehyun who switched off the lights in empty rooms, who nostalgically sucked at a cigarette in a chair on the veranda in the evening, who took at least five minutes to do his hair in the morning, who never left the toothpaste tube open, who casually flirted but rarely went further, whose smiles were rare but lasting. He knew Jaehyun who locked himself up after a bad day, who never said 'see you later' if he had no intention to see someone later, who said 'how are you?' and actually meant it, he knew Jaehyun that was on the surface.
He didn't know how and didn't want to get to know what lied beyond. He liked what he was seeing too much to destroy that upon digging deeper because he was afraid that the person who thought of suicide whilst locked up in their room and did heroin to alleviate their pain was not that cool after all. He was aware it was horrible to think this way and thus never admitted it to himself, although that was exactly why he didn't dare to visit Jaehyun in the hospital the following days.
His parents, as they have stated themselves, were very upset with him. They drove to the hospital almost daily and gave up persuading him to tag along. They strongly disapproved of Johnny's following attempts at dissipation. His mother made a point of her scheduled glares she aimed at him, keen to emphasize reproof, resentment and reproach and always poised to attack if Johnny cared to address it. Needless to say, Johnny was awfully miserable.
He still couldn't believe it. He needed some proof but he couldn't bring himself to go to the hospital and seek out Jaehyun. He did something else.

Some four summers ago, he and Jaehyun, on one of their sleepless nights that they spent straggling around the city, happened to hang around the Han river. They were enjoying the night walk through the city and wanting to prolong what had been a nice starry night, strayed off their usual course, soon striding along the shore. It was magnificent. The water still and quiet, the sky, too calm and clear and the swish of the wind transformed the night into a full and singular experience. Johnny remembers thinking that it was only such moments that made life worth the try. Unbeknownst to him, that was the impression those nights made on Jaehyun too.

They found a cliff, descended it and standing under its sharp tip took in the view. It was full moon, the light stretched in streaks over the river and the bottomless sky merged with the whole universe, drawing the clusters of stars, whole systems just for the two of them. It felt like the rest of the world was gone, never existed, that everything save for them, the water and the endless sky was a mere illusion, never quite real. Johnny felt like there was no limit to what they could do, how far they could go, and allowed his hand to follow his glance, settle on the nape of Jaehyun's neck that he kissed. They did it right there under the cliff and Johnny never felt as real as he did doing it. It was all he ever wanted of life, it was more even, it was happening boundlessly, on his own terms with the person he liked most.
Now that he stood there none of it, none of the memory, of himself felt as real as it should have been. He detected blood on one of the rocks they have done it on and connecting this discovery with Taeyong's words just couldn't believe it. He kept telling himself that it wasn't Jaehyun's blood, that it was just dirt and the reason it seemed red when he inspected it under the light exuding from his phone was that he really wanted to believe his words and therefore hallucinated. He fell back on his bottom dazed and foggy and was suddenly very dizzy. He couldn't stand up until after some minutes and reeling back to the car was unable to raise his feet properly, he felt exhausted. While driving he finally noticed that his exhaustion resulted from rushed and needlessly deep intakes of breath and stopping the car jumped out, meaning to steady himself. He bowed down, clasped his knees and took single deep breaths, gulping air as his lips quivered open, then close. His eyes were resolutely shut.
It did happen, Jaehyun was there, after he left around five o'clock that particular morning, had driven there, took all the heroin he had, then mounted the cliff and jumped off.  It was real. Jaehyun actually did it. He actually tried ending his life.
He dragged his hand to press at his eyes and swallowed whatever was meaning to break out, which immediately backfired and shot out in an injured, desperate sob. He grimaced, he didn't know how to handle whatever had seized him, so he was set to smother it. He was still bent down when it happened so to cover it up he squared up and threw up his head, this was done also to prevent the liquids from leaking. He grimaced again.
How could any of it be true? Who allowed it? Who was to blame?
He knew the answers to all of his questions but just like a person diagnosed with a terminable illness, was denying them, which was a simple base instinct, which was self-preservation because the answers bore the power to crush him.
He was the killer and he knew it.