cigarettes after sex

neon moon

It was exactly as Jaehyun predicted, he had called him on that very evening declaring he'd turn up tomorrow around so-so, to tell them exactly what happened and what he hoped would in the future. Jaehyun was tired and tried to sound not annoyed, which he didn't think he was. Mark hung up feeling buoyed up.

Johnny prepared chilli con carne, it was the only exotic recipe easy enough to memorize and the only food Jaehyun trusted him with. Johnny had a history of little big accidents and was made to sign a contract that allowed him to cook certain dishes only and do the rest of the work, meaning the cleaning up. The document hung on the wall near the entrance and had the function of a permanent rebuke, of public punishment like wearing animal masks in the middle ages. Johnny never really wanted to cook so it was never an issue.
Jaehyun had a long, excruciating day of work behind him and it relieved him to know that there was food waiting for him at home. He liked the idea of food, prepared by Johnny's hands, liked the idea of returning home to the lulling smell of it, of a freshly cooked meal. It was nice to think that one was wanted, waited for, appreciated, it was rather sad that Johnny did it only when they had guests.
Mark talked a great deal about Haechan, about their determination to stay in touch, regularly meet up, and even travel in the summer together. Johnny asked where and Mark informed them that they'd probably visit Taeyong. Jaehyun and Johnny would also be in Korea around that time. Awesome.
Then they talked about what Mark should and shouldn't do on their next date. He resolved to mention the titles and get it done with. When Johnny said he wasn't sure if that would be appropriate on a second date, Mark's eyes darted to Jaehyun. That was the moment for Jaehyun to spill the information he had intercepted, or at least hint in the right direction. He did neither. He said,"It depends". He felt awful for that. He intentionally withheld valuable information, preventing Mark from succeeding in what was so important to him. He didn't want Mark to succeed. He didn't want him to have what he couldn't have himself. He felt terrible for that.
They were supposed to meet one week later, after he had his date and Mark was supposed to fill them in on what happened. On that day Jaehyun felt so sick he couldn't get out of bed. Johnny returned late that night and pounded on his door to make sure he was still there, alive and breathing.
"Do you need anything? Do you wanna talk?" Johnny had not seen him the whole day and was really not sure if Jaehyun was still there. On second thought, where else should he be? He could've been at Taeyong's place but with Taeyong's immigration back to Korea that would be rather hard to manage. He could've been at Mark's but he had seen him just minutes ago. He could be nowhere but here.
Silence.
He waited a moment, then had an idea he put to practice. He started stamping his feet to imitate fading steps and voilà the silence beyond broke upon hurried footsteps and the swooshing sound of the door flung open.
"I did something awful"
Johnny silently observed the unkempt appearance of something as graceful and well-nurtured as the being of Jeong Jaehyun, took notice of the prevailing beauty, wondered if Jaehyun was even familiar with the concept of ugliness. Suggesting that he was indeed not, he asked,"What?"
"I don't want to-"
Back to the newly devised tactics, Johnny pretended preparing to leave and Jaehyun cried a desperate "Stay."
He returned and clambered on top of his bed, Johnny moved, lazily to the desk by its left and feigned indifference. There was absolutely no reason for him to feign indifference, maybe out of spite. He was not really upset that Jaehyun didn't show up.
Jaehyun asked him about Mark and how it went.
"Pretty cool"
Jaehyun attempted to clear his throat, some extrinsic force was gathered in a shape of a massy knot in his throat and he was helpless to dissolve it.
"What did you say about me", he enunciated when finally able to press a sound out of his throat.
"That you felt sick" Johnny was fumbling with the edge of the desk, his glance monitoring the process. "Were you at the office today?"
"I took sick leave"
Johnny nodded. Finally, he looked up, Jaehyun was unhinged.
"Is something happening?"
So he did notice. When? Just today? Or was it something he hit upon long ago, carrying it around with him like a burden, no matter where he went, what he did, what he didn't.
"What did he say about Donghyuck?"
Jaehyun was shooting back questions like bullets in response to equally hurtful bullets. He was barely thinking, he was on auto pilot, the words came out of him on their own, he had lost control, or maybe submitted it in free will long ago.
"Well", Johnny's gruff voice pored on,"basically Hyuck told him he wasn't ready yet and Mark respected that. It didn't seem like they made a big deal out of it"
"Oh"
He was sitting up but now fell back. He started rolling a cigarette, seemingly perking up and all the while twitching the corner of his mouth into a flexible, moving smile. It quivered and ultimately fled from his face, instead came the thoughtful look, the two brows meeting above his nose, his mouth a mere line.
"Is it difficult only for me then", he murmured.
"What?"
He blew out the smoke, his hand was rocked either by the determination to wave or the same force that made his throat close up before. The fact was, it was moving, tossed back and forth, then towards his mouth, then cast away.
His glance was unfocused, kept racing the ground, then raised, soaring up, guiding his body upwards, made him lean on his weak legs. He stood facing Johnny, with his hand so restless it drew curvy white patterns in the air. He was testing Johnny, seeing how long he would remain standing, so close to him, with the smoke in his face. Johnny was not moving. He didn't know where Jaehyun was headed with this, hell, Jaehyun hismelf had no clue, for what he knew he was testing Johnny's ability to stand.
Then Johnny said something that made Jaehyun's thoughts take a completely different turn.
"You sure this is a good idea?"
Jaehyun was about to put his hand on the top buttons of his collar. "Why, you don't want to?"
He was gasping, perhaps his throat still suffered from whatever ailment it was exposed to minutes ago, perhaps it was merely a chemical reaction. He had consumed xanny before, now he was smoking pot.
"I mean this", Johnny snapped, extracting the cigarette from his shaky hands,"You look like a dead person!"
Johnny backed away and pulled one of the drawers out, sifting through it. Finding nothing, he shut it close, studied the surface of the desk. If these motions he did were an inspection then he obviously failed, because they didn't seem to find rest. "Jaehyun, why are you doing this?", he said in addition to his hectic movements.
"Because I hate fucking everything", Jaehyun longed to bring out into the open. His glance atoned for that. Johnny had been shooting him occasional glances, one among many, lingered on his face, staying there longer than the previous, relocating the pursuit of something he was desperate to find to his face, searching for it there, not shrinking away despite the caustic coldness, the acid his eyes exuded. For a moment it seemed as though all raucous, harsh and piercing had found expression in this one glance, that  just a glance would soon be not enough, that very soon there would be another, physical forms of violence too. Instead, the venom dissolved into bile. Jaehyun dropped his glance and Johnny could swear he heard a sob-like gasp.

"I just want to be happy"