cigarettes after sex

keep on loving you

Johnny woke up startled but not alarmed. Opening his eyes and spotting no Jaehyun beside him didn't really shock him. Jaehyun's absence had stealthily worked itself into his dream like a mere, secondary fact to be considered. He cast an idly glance at the clock mounted to the wall above the door, simply acknowledged the displayed numbers. They had no meaning, no significance, they were just numbers to him in the moment. They were merely the reminder that time made no concessions, didn't compromise, simply moved on. Which was in a way what Johnny did to as he gathered a shirt, put on a pair of shorts and languorously trod towards the kitchen. Time didn't wait, time didn't ask. Johnny didn't bother.
He grabbed a bowl, organized a bottle of milk, a spoon, cereal and fell back into the pattern of a lazy summer morning. What he ignored or deliberately decided not to notice was his mother's presence, her louring glance that conveyed some personal unsolved issue she had with him, her repetitive sighs, her determination to start a conversation once Johnny responded to a tacit invitation she tossed at him with her glance, the complicit stillness of his father that pored over a newspaper next to him. He didn't think himself obliged to pay attention to any signs, he ranked his morning routine ways more important. "What did you do?" The question bore more than what was on the surface, the question was a masked accusation, observation and rebuke. Johnny could not dodge and he couldn't parry. All that was left to him was to raise his eyes, signify understanding and frown.
His mother prodded further.
"Johnny, you con talk to us"
He replied as though she just hit upon a sore point,"There's nothing to talk about" Then, after a while, in a softer voice,"Have you seen Jaehyun?"
Johnny didn't hide that he was confused with the answer they gave him. "No, but we believe he left around five o'clock this morning. He left this here"  He spared a rapid, mandatory look at the book, then swilled down a glass of juice and smacked his lips. "On the table. Here", his mother revealed.
Johnny had troubles figuring out how that was in any way relevant.
"So?"
"Johnny, he'd never leave it there. He's inseparable with this book", his father remarked, relieving his wife. They both nodded, leaning towards him. Johnny wondered what they were getting at.
"So he left it here. What's the big deal?"
He caught his father's look and translated it into "You really don't know him, do you?"
"Did you two have a fight?", he suggested, whilst scanning Johnny's face and analyzing Johnny's response as he added,"It is nothing to be ashamed of. We fight all the time"
"Don't compare you to us"
Johnny failed to drown bitterness that was flavoring his voice and subdued a remark that would top what he just said, knowing that this was one of his father's countless tricks and he would submit by rebutting.
"And why not?"
He also wondered if that was the manner in which, being a renowned counselor, he treated his patients that took longer to open up. He disliked the idea of slipping into the role of his patient. It was the main reason why he would never be entirely honest. He needed a father and as a person who couldn't divide himself in two people, his father would never be able to be just that, if Johnny did not filter his words, did not pick them out carefully and said whatever, his father would not be able to muffle the therapist in him. This was what Johnny dreaded most.
"You know why"
"Johnny, we know"
Johnny inclined his head, flummoxed.
"So what?", he returned, hurling those words at his father as an affront to him, to both of them, to himself, to the world in general.
"So what?", his father mimicked, "So fucking around is okay but when it comes to take responsibility its's suddenly so what"
"I don't know what you're driving at"
"He doesn't know what I'm driving at", his father repeated as though hearing it once was not enough to fully understand it.
"Dear, there's either fucking around and taking responsibility or not fucking around at all."
"I disagree"
Johnny recoiled from a forehead flick and fingered the red spot on his face.
"Ouch? What's with the flicking?"
His father carried on regardless,"You don't deserve him", then, a tad slower,"do u know that this conversation would have gone absolutely differently with Jaehyun? Do you know how protective he is of you? You'd never deserve him. Never in the world. The least you can do is make sure he's okay. Because from the looks of it he might not be okay. If there's still a Jaehyun at all"
"Why use such strong words, you're scaring me. "
"Oh do I?", he raised his voice,"I'm sorry, maybe you'll finally do something now!"
This was not the the therapist in him, this was not the father either, Johnny just discovered another facet, another side to his parent, one that he'd never think existed. A fearful, gritty, striped-down, sentimental and even somewhat tender version that had been often subdued, muffled and ignored but now eclipsed any other. Because someone dear, and there was no doubt about that anymore, was in great danger and Johnny would rather bang his own head on the wall than admit it.
The ring of the bell was the final blow, Johnny knew what it presaged and was mortally scared. He opened the door to welcome and let in the two ghastly phantoms of Taeyong and Doyoung, that, with that pall casted over them, seemed years older than they could possibly be. Johnny didn't know how to place it, just an hour ago he was still laying peacefully burrowed under blankets of white cotton, now he was steered into a state of interminable distress. He was disturbed and very apprehensive.
"Please say you've found Jaehyun and he's okay"
"We've found Jaehyun and he's okay"
Taeyong's eyes veered from Johnny's Mother to Johnny, which was followed by a sigh that he, too couldn't interpret, and a proposition to talk in private. As soon as the door behind them screeched shut and Johnny released the handle, Taeyong threw at him,"What the fuck did you do?"
Johnny's agitation quickly merged into desperation. "Why does everyone assume I'm always up to something? Dp you expect me to hatch evil plans at midnight or what is it y'all afraid to say out loud"
Taeyong turned away and crossed his arms in front of his chest, maybe to veil that he too was agitated and would've indulged his desperation if he said just one more word.
"I can't do this"
Dooung picked up from where ty left off.
"We've got a call from the hospital around six o'clock today morning. Jaehyun had been found unconscious somewhere by the river and submitted to the hospital with a concussion and heroin overdose. He's still unconscious at the moment, but the doctors are quite positive"
Johnny plopped on the bed and stared blandly ahead for a moment.
"Did you say heroin? I didn't even know he does heroin"
"Well, apparently there's a lot you didn't know if all you have to say now that he almost died is 'I didn't know he does heroin'", ty fired back.
Johnny couldn't come to terms with this, something just didn't add up. It was practically impossible, it didn't feel real.
"You're really an asshole you know that? Jaehyun would have dropped everything and went after you to the hospital if it was you. I wish I never introduced you to each other in the first place"
Johnny had absolutely no clue why from all things he could've said he picked,"Oh, you're just jealous"
He knew it as Taeyong piped down, scowled and scuttled. This was his intention.
Doyoung whispered a quiet "What?" to him but Taeyong refused to say anything. A moment elapsed in silence as Taeyong whetted words to spill out and was finally ready to say them. "Do you really think that's what that is? That I'm jealous he didn't choose me? Do you even hear yourself? I'm his best friend, he chose me decades ago, you didn't even know each other then. You're just a fling, I'm for life"
"We're not-.. this! We have never been this!"
"Well maybe that's the problem. Why aren't you."
"Why? Because I'm not gay!"
"You're disgusting!"
Johnny bit his tongue, he wanted to say more, he could've mentioned that Taeyong too had done things recklessly, without being entirely honest, things he, too would rather hide then let out into the open. But cooling down and thinking logically, he decided that this wasn't the course he'd like this conversation to go. What he wanted is to end it, so he lifted himself and gestured to the door. Doyoung left the card of the hospital with the address on it on the nightstand and preceded Taeyong to the exit.
Alone, less apprehensive and absorbed in thoughts, he tried to figure out what was happening. He briefly reviewed yesterday, the night, the transition from yesterday to today's morning and the only conclusion he could arrive at was that what Taeyong said had happened could never be true.
Because Jaehyun was too happy for someone who did heroin and nurtured self-destructive thoughts. Jaehyun was a peaceful, self-possessed being with a small range of emotions, expressions of which were so toned down and detached that it seemed that they were neither real nor profound.
And then Johnny had an earthshaking insight.
He didn't know Jaehyun at all.