𝐁𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐓𝐨𝐝𝐨 - (𝒞𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓇)

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓

𝚂𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚘 𝚃𝚘𝚍𝚘𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚒

Rain clawed at the windows like the fluctuating modulation of a growl. Soft footsteps tapped against the ground with the clicking nails of the rain. The common room howled with the elements outside, and even though there were luminiferous sources of the topaz spools splattering against the shadows, Todoroki still felt the itching urge to glance around as he headed for the exit to the dormitory.

Approaching the gates to his freedom, Todoroki almost felt eerily at ease, despite how his heart snickered in his chest. Yet, as the propinquity of his destination neared him, a flicker of motion from the corner of his eye jerked his head to sieve the origin of the abrupt motion. There, he saw a patch of red, and once he blinked again, he realized that Kirishima was lumbering out of the kitchen.

Shit, Todoroki inwardly hissed as a pang of jealousy gripped his chest. I can hardly walk as it is. Please don't talk to me. I need to leave. Maybe I'm a coward, but I don't care.

"Todobro, whatcha up to this late at night?" Kirishima queried with the tilt of his head as he walked up to Todoroki. "I was too hungry to fall asleep."

I haven't been hungry, now that I think about it. I eat the same things at the same times every day, but it's exhausting. I don't want to put the effort in. But...knowing that Katsuki loved you as much as me-if not more-feels like a knife resting in my chest. It hurts. I'm jealous. I should be happy that they make each other happy, but whenever I think about them smiling at each other, it stops me from doing my work. I'll be working on an assignment, and then I start thinking about them together, and I just... I break. I want to sob and curl up in my chair until I fall asleep, but I end up cutting excessively just to quell my own self-loathing and try and get it off my mind.

"Nothing," Todoroki muttered dismissively while proceeding towards the exit. "I have to go." He widened his gait, but he winced at the residual, blazing soreness of his lower half.

"Is it something serious?" inquired Kirishima as he trailed behind Todoroki.

Putting it candidly, Todoroki didn't know what to say. "I just need to go," he sighed while pulling open the door; instantaneously was the rattling of the rain amplified.

"O-Okay?" Todoroki glanced over his shoulder to see Kirishima standing in the thinning, dim bath of light from the dormitory with his arm partially extended and his fingers somewhat splayed.

Thank you, Kirishima, Todoroki sighed in relief to himself while the gray tears of the sky slowly saturated his clothing. I don't care if I'm stupid for doing this. I just don't care. I want this so fucking bad... My mind keeps urging me to do it. 'Cutter.' That word keeps going through my head, and each time I think it or hear it, there's this awful, tight feeling in my chest. I just...hate that word. Maybe because I know all too well that it's the truth, and the truth makes me pathetic and worthless. Even if I cut my wrists, I'm still the person they know me as, right? When they know, they don't look at you the same anymore. They don't see you as the same person. They don't think of you as the same person. I hate it. Just look at me as a person. Not as a cutter...but as Shouto Todoroki.

By the time Todoroki had arrived at the bridge he'd been so perilously close to jumping from on the night that splintered his relationship with Bakugou, Todoroki was drenched. He trembled from the cold crawling across his frigid skin, but he refused to utilize his fire Quirk to aid him. Alone did he stand upon that weeping bridge, and as he peered over into the abyss below, he suddenly felt as though it was staring back and imploring him to come home.

I don't even know what happened, Todoroki realized while leaning his elbows against the cold, slick railing. I was doing better, honestly. I didn't feel the throbbing urge to die, I wasn't cutting nearly as often, and instead of breaking down, I just felt numb. But that night, I wanted to die. Nothing unusual happened. It was a good day compared to most, if anything, but I couldn't fight the urge to die. Then, it all went downhill. Why did I get through all of the absolute agony before that just to be tantalized with a taste of feeling a little better before that torturous taste of freedom collapsed? I went from my lowest point to a point slightly above that, and what did I get for getting through that lowest point? Being sent to yet another lowest point. I didn't get to wrap my hands around happiness, or just feeling okay in general. It all came undone so quickly, and for no reason whatsoever.

Fractals of frost made it seem as though Todoroki had dipped the fingers of his right hand into an icy, cerulean batter. Freezing, melting, again, again. Endlessly cycling through... But the rain goes away with time. It does, indeed. When the rain is gone, the ice prospers. When the sun finally shatters the horizon with a glimpse of the light again, the water pours down. But in the end, I'm still the source of the ice and the water. He could feel the frost lacing his fingers melting away with the rain and draining into the abyss necessitating his desire to die. I sometimes convince myself that this is what happiness feels like. I'm just too blind to realize it. We all feel things differently. It makes the most sense if this is what my happiness feels like. After all, my life is filled with so many good things. I have nothing to be unhappy about.

I want to die, but it feels nice just to stand here, knowing I can jump at any time. I'm freezing, but I like the sound of the rain. The sky cries for me when I can't, and it cries with me when I can't stop my tears from falling. I like to imagine that I'll land as gracefully as a raindrop, even though I know it's going to be quite the opposite. But I can't help it. I can't keep holding on to Katsuki. I'm in the way. I'm the mistake in the relationship. I'm the villain here. It's all my fault. I ruined everything we were, and yet, I'm the one still holding on. He's happy with Kirishima. He doesn't love me. He just feels bad for me, and I'm sure he feels guilty. I made him feel like shit. If I'm gone, he can be happy with Kirishima, and I can finally be done with ev-

Todoroki flinched. Warmth. There was warmth spilling down his spine and coiling around his chest. He could feel that someone was embracing him from behind, and the fact that someone was there at all fired a barrage of coruscating emotions at Todoroki's veins. Unable to discern his own feelings and the lack of feeling, Todoroki simply stood there. More than ever, he wanted to jump, but the warm embrace weakened his knees. Simultaneously, Todoroki was torn towards giving in and melting into the embrace he assumed was from Bakugou, and struggling with every last vestige of his strength to break free of the embrace and instead feel the embrace of his own demise.

I can picture Katsuki's face perfectly. His voice. His anger. His sorrow. His guilt. His embrace that I hate myself so much for loving. I know I left a note, but why are you here? All I wanted was to die. To escape. To be free. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to continue living. I feel like my head is going to split. Inside, I feel numb. Outside, it's like every movement is raking some jagged shard of a mess of emotions I don't understand across my skin. Why is it so hard to die? Why won't the world just let me have what I want for once? As warm as this embrace feels, the warmth is superficial. It doesn't reach. No matter how many people care about me and would sacrifice their all to save me, I'm still alone in my own world. It's a place that only I can see. Leave me alone. I deserve to be tortured here by my past.

Before Todoroki could attempt to struggle, his knees caved in, and his body faltered to the ground. The warmth pricking through his benumbed senses followed him as he collapsed, but he was nonplussed as the silence of the pattering rain seeped into his skull. The night itself felt like it had infused with his being, wriggling slowly through every nerve and every vein in his body. An aching throb began to push on Todoroki's heart, and with each beat of his heart, the pain was augmented. Yet, he simply stared at the darkness that was pooled beneath him, and for quite a few minutes, that silence held fast.

"I lied..." sibilated Todoroki, but his acrimonious statement sounded almost hollow. "Katsuki, I don't want to be alive. I've had it. I'm so sick of everything. There's nothing I want except for my own death. I want to die. Please just let me die..." He buried his face into his quivering, gelid hands.

"I-I can't let you do that," softly whispered a voice that did not belong to Bakugou.