𝐁𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐓𝐨𝐝𝐨 - (𝒞𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓇)

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟗

𝚃𝚘𝚍𝚘𝚛𝚔𝚒

A week had passed since Todoroki's anathematized, mortifying encounter at the bridge with Bakugou and Kirishima. Both Bakugou and Kirishima had been regularly checking in on Todoroki to ensure that he was all right, and much to Todoroki's stupefaction, Kirishima never brought Bakugou into their conversations. Todoroki still managed to feign being fine for his other classmates, but as his love for Bakugou continued to grow with each endearing interaction between them, so too did the glass barrier of emptiness that sat in his stomach above his feelings. He couldn't deny that the feelings he'd swallowed were viciously and voraciously devouring him from the inside, but he could never seem to spill them out; a thick layer of glass demarcated him from his emotions.

Every time I'm with him, Todoroki reminisced while brushing his teeth at the sink in his bathroom, it cracks open that pocket of emptiness in me. Seeing him makes me want to cry. But I don't want to be overwhelmed by the feelings I have no right to be feeling when I'm in front of him. Not after what happened. But it keeps getting harder and harder to pretend like I'm okay. I can handle this on my own. Right. I don't have any right to be so fucking sad when I live such a perfect life, so I won't feel so sad.

"Hey, Todoroki..." Kirishima greeted Todoroki. "How are you doing? Just wanted to check in."

"Oh. That's kind of you. I'm all right. Thanks. Ah. And you?"

"Uh, I'm doing pretty well. But, well...are you sure you're all right?"

"Yeah. Thanks for saving me. Why did you decide to follow me?"

"Wasn't very manly of me to follow you, but I'm glad I did. I just... Something felt wrong. You also left without an umbrella or anything. I dunno. I felt like something bad was gonna happen. I was worried about you, 'cuz you didn't seem like yourself."

"I still wish you never followed me," Todoroki hissed under his breath. "I'll scrub this disgusting feeling inside of me, but it never comes off. I scrub and scrub, but I just end up breaking because it hurts too much; I've scrubbed myself raw, but I keep scrubbing again and again."

"I love you too, Shouto."

Todoroki winced and washed up while recalling how Bakugou had so seductively uttered that he loved him when Todoroki expatiated that they seemed like friends with benefits. He abhorred Bakugou's response, but he'd held his tongue and allowed the latter to bring their lips together again.

Even though it tortures me, I still want to be with you until the end. I had a feeling that this relationship wouldn't last and would eventually end. I knew... We're still just in high school. But...I got into it anyway, even though I had a feeling it would all just be built up to fall apart. No matter what, I'm going to cling onto this for as long as I can. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want us to be the same forever. But that's just not realistic. Things change and people change. Things come up that no one could've expected.

I'll keep holding on, even though it makes me hate us both. You're my best friend and my lover, and I don't want to lose our friendship, but if we broke up, I don't know if we'd be able to go back. I'm afraid of that. But it's so painful just to see your face. I can't let you go, even if I hate you so much. I don't care if you cheated on me. I want you. I love you. I need you, Katsuki. But this love will always be a reminder of my mistakes, a bullet of self-loathing in my temple, and a knife of regret in my chest.

A shiver ran through Todoroki's core. He recognized that deplorable serpent of desire, but as it continued to coil around his chest until he felt like his skull would combust and fulminate with the urge driving poisoned nails into his thoughts, he was subjugated by its lethal command. It pulsed through his head and wriggled through his hazy vision, but there was no escape.