It's always the same story with me.
Do others keep these things to themselves or is it just me? Going through heartbreak after heartbreak? I thought I'd gotten better at protecting my heart with measures such as hesitation, doubt, precaution. With lessons like "hey, I've been here before" and "hmm, that's a red flag" and "something doesn't feel or seem right."
With pride that reminds me of what I deserve, which I have not yet received. Surely he hasn't earned my affection or my well-intentioned focus.
But where I've gone wrong is assuming measures of the mind will keep the heart from falling.
What good is a wall if the bottom falls out? It doesn't matter the measures so much when the heart is sick with love.
It's true, it's a disease. Made infectious by chemistry. When the sparks are flying they penetrate the heart and bypass those protective measures.
Stage 1 Vulnerability. And now you are receptive of every thing, subtle and overt, that makes you feel.
Never mind the reasons why not, you hone in on the reasons why. Because everything is uncertain, so a little doubt makes it more realistic.
He understands what you like, he acts on it, and now you feel seen. You feel special. He speaks gently.
You want more of this. Stage 2 Vulnerability. One red flag is unearthed from where they've all been hidden.
But with Stage 2, you've got so many reasons why this thing is worth fighting for. See it through. Infected you are, by thoughts of the future and how lovely it would be. It's the chemistry and shared interests.
It's the dynamic that seems to just work. It's a glimpse into a future that would never look the way now does, but you don't know that.
What's this? A gut feeling. Something isn't right. With Stage 2, though, a little explanation can ease the concern. Now, the future seems more real. It's not, though.
Your lives are intertwined except for here and there, where explanations fill in. Stage 3 Vulnerability.
So much time has passed, a bond has formed, attachment has fixed your eyes on him. He's not perfect but he could be yours.
So on, and so forth. You'll never know what he's really thinking and feeling. You'll never know the truth unless it sneaks its way out.
Confusion abounds but you're not sure. This is what confusion is. But letting go doesn't seem right if you can't put your finger on the reasons why not.
You had all these reasons why. You have all these reasons why, you think. Geez, that's been a while ago now.
But that's the foundation. Isn't it? You can't give up after all this, can you? You voice your concerns and
Guess what?
He's going to fix everything. Stage 4 Vulnerability. The floor has given way and your heart is free falling. It doesn't matter what happens now. If his intentions are what materialized those little red flags, he won't catch you.
It's done now. There was only so far you could fall before being struck by the opposing force of reality.
You've been living through your heart all along and now your heart is shattered. Looking back you see
all the reasons you should have known to be more careful.
Less caring. But you're finding that no matter what you know, what you don't know will make you feel defective.
