Hidden in the Shadows(Ezio Auditore )

Regrets

   September 16, 1485
  
               I can feel a deep sadness within me, and I am not sure if is my own or Ezio's, to be honest it may be both though I am not to sure what would be making him this sad. I had a dream of her again, my daughter, and it made my heart ache. She was supposed to be eight in June and it was so hard to believe that she had been dead for six years. It hurt everyday knowing she wasnt here anymore but what hurts the most? When I look at Ezio I see her, Gods she looked so much like him. Ezio has noticed the pained look I give him when I do but he has yet to ask me of it. What would I do when he did ask? What would I tell him?  Of course, I could tell him the truth from the very beginning, tell him that I had been carrying his child when I married Federico but how would he react to that?  To know that his brothers wife had his child and she never told? I knew Ezio would be angry, who wouldn't be hearing the news that you've fathered a child you didn't know about, but if I told him he would be more then pissed to know she was dead. He would have been angry I said nothing for years.

     I remembered our talks before I had married, Ezio always told me of how he would one day like to have kids with the woman he loved, how he couldn't wait for that day. As much as I am touched and happy that I am the woman he had talked about another thought loomed over me, how did he feel knowing he married a woman who couldn't carry his children? Or carry them anymore? Would he regret it? I knew Ezio would never cheat but would he ever consider having one with another woman just to have one?  It hurt knowing that I would let him down like that, knowing I could never conceive again, and if I would have known that this would happen and I couldn't I would have told Ezio immediately. How ashamed was he, to have a wife who couldn't do something as simple as.... I couldn't bring myself to tell him, it hurt to much, and the thought of crushing him was to much to imagine. He would have been a great father too, if I had only spoken up. She would always haunt my dreams no matter what, no matter where I went, she would be there until the end of time. This guilt had been of my own making and just like that I was the only one who could bare it, only my pain to feel. Just like one of the lines in Dante's poems 'In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark woods where the straight way was lost' and how much truer could he have been. I may not have reached the middle of my life but I could feel myself beginning to walk that path and it all started with the very moment I had met Ezio. I never regretted meeting Ezio, none of this was his fault, but the moment I met him I knew deep down nothing was going to be the same, that it was only going to lead me in many ways. I set out to marry Federico on my father's orders but instead I fell for him. I chose to hide and conceal my love and all we did because of the duty I was meant to carry out. I had another man's child instead of my husband's. The straight path I had set for myself coming here had changed in all directions until I had gotten so lost I could not fix it. There was no hope, I had already been surrounded by the darkness as not everything had appeared as it was meant to be. I hurt a lot of people in hiding what I truly wanted- and for what? All I could do now was move forwards. Just as Ezio had brought me into the woods, confusing my duty with wants, he would be the one to lead me back out. 

      Maybe one day I would tell him about Sirena, one day when I was fully healed, but now was not the time. I was not yet healed and he was not ready. One day, but not today. Today, I would right the wrong that had happened and clear Ezio's name. It wasn't so hard to see he had been getting stir crazy sitting in Leonardo's workshop and Leonardo about had enough of him as he tried to work on the new blade designs while I had spent the past few days searching the entire city to tare down posters and bribe heralds to keep them quiet, taking care of some of Lorenzo's contracts as well. Leonardo had finished my blade first, insisting I try it. I have to admit, I was skeptical of having this firearm apart of my blades but after my first shot I had eased into it's use quickly. It was efficient and I didn't have to be close by, I just wished it hadn't been so loud as it was. I would make use of this new piece but I didn't think I would use it often. My worry lays with how Ezio would handle it, he had been there with me to see what it could do and I knew by the look on his face he was excited. I prayed he didn't shoot himself or Leonardo in the ass when it came time for him to try it out but I couldn't do much if I weren't here. I needed to talk to Antonio, he was the last person I needed to try to clear things up with Ezio. I found it odd that he had seemed to be keeping the fact that he was an assassin away from Ezio and needless to say we had much to discuss. I will make this right, even if it is the last thing I do.