You Make Me Feel

23. you make me feel

FELIX

The weekend goes by just as dreadful as Friday evening did.

I sluggishly prepare myself for school Monday morning, a huge part of me contemplating if at all I should even go. I come down for breakfast, and as usual, mom prepares sandwiches for us with two cups of hot chocolate for Annie and I, while dad takes his with a cup of coffee.

I merely take a bite from my sandwich and a sip of my drink, whereas, Annie is already halfway through breakfast. I've not really spoken much to Annie, especially since the eventful evening, and I know she is waiting for me to apologize. I should apologize, but I can't bring myself to do such a simple task, not with how cloistered I've been feeling. Talking to people has not been an interest anymore.

"Eat up quickly so I can drop you off at school," dad tells Annie.

"Yes, daddy."

From across the table, I start to feel his eyes on me. I may have a roughly good guess what he's earnestly trying to ask.

"Felix, do you have a moment? I want to talk to you."

"Mm," I respond pokerfaced, hurrying through breakfast.

As hard as I tried to avoid this conversation and push away thoughts throughout the weekend, not letting my family the slightest opportunity to ask me anything, only dad can be this dense. He doesn't comprehend anything, and it had to be on a Monday morning of all days.

"Who was that girl?"

I want to yell 'it is not your business!', rather, I just let out a sigh.

"I can understand you don't want to talk about it, but we're really concerned about you."

"She's my classmate."

"Was she feeling ill? What did she do that for?" He pauses for a moment. "I'm worried because she panicked immediately I arrived, and no one knows why."

"Dad, that's enough." I might sound harsh, but I just have to put it out to him that I'm certainly not in the mood for a bad day. "You should not have come in the first place. Didn't you say that you wouldn't make it?"

"I had to cancel my meeting just to be there for you! The least you can do is be grateful!"

Here we go again. Now I'm the bad guy! In fact, I'm not doing this. I quietly continue eating my sandwich.

He exhales. "You said I've never supported you in any of your performances. I wanted to seize this opportunity to show you that I support you no matter what you decide to do. You know I'm proud of you and all your achievements."

I become so dumbfounded all I do is gaze at my food. I'm not sure if he's actually telling me the truth or he's just trying to cheer me up, but this is all I have always wanted to hear from him.

"I'm really proud of you, son, believe me."

Don't get carried away with those words, Felix. He is still the same man who almost disowned you weeks ago. "Thanks, dad. I appreciate your effort, but I don't want to talk about it."

"You've been gloomy since the play. Talking to someone can help you overcome the um..." he trails off.

Trauma? Embarrassment? Why can't he say it? I already got my fair share of disgrace, stripped of every dignity left in me. That's what I expect to happen anyway. He doesn't have to be some home therapist. And Annie, she's not even a bit concerned. Or perhaps she is, but chose not to show it.

"I'm okay, dad. Really. Can you let this go now? I just want everything to be dispersed from my memory."

"Fine then."