You Make Me Feel

37. you make me feel

AGNES

Felix sings 'Christmases When You Were Mine' and he does a really good job. Except for me, it only brings back memories of the past.

A built up emotion of sorrows escorts me to my wreckage and takes away the smile on my face. While he sings, I recall the days I spent with my mother.

"That was lovely!" Yvonne cheers softly.

The others applaud them but out of the blue, I ask, "why did you dedicate that song to me?"

"It's my first celebration with you and I wanted it to be special," Felix answers.

My friends make mawkish sounds, but nothing humours me at this point.

"Agnes, why so moody? He just said he—"

"I know what he said, Yvonne!" I interrupt as I wipe a tear. "You've teased me enough for one day."

"But, how did I...? He dedicated the song to us. What is your problem?" She gets triggered and reacts.

Eventually, I sober up. "I'm sorry. I-I think I feel a bit dizzy. I want to go home." I walk out of the garage.

Outside the garage, I wait for my aunt to come take me home after she sorts out the worries I have so terribly created.

*

Aunty Cherry takes me to my room then makes me sit on the bed for a deep conversation. This could be something I need before the cachexia in my brain implodes.

"Can you tell me what happened back there? I don't understand how you became this gloomy all of a sudden."

I take a minute to break down my walls and let myself become helpless again. I've been strong for too long, but tonight, I don't feel that strong anymore. Aunty Cherry needs to see me and all my weaknesses so she can help me up because I've tried, and I am still trying, yet, one little trip and I'm back at square one. If I can possibly cry the pain away after she is done, nothing would make me happier.

"Aunty, I am just so confused. I don't know why this is happening to me." My voice wearies like it is about to clog on my misery.

"Oh, Agnes..." her voice cracks, almost crying.

"Why did I remember mom then? I thought we were done with this chapter. I thought nothing would bring me back to this state."

"You... you remembered your mother?"

"I did." I purse my lips to force tears out. "Aunt, I'm tired of this. I'm so tired of fighting with the pain of losing mom."

"Was it when Felix was singing?"

"Yes!" I blubber aggressively. "Do I always have to remember the past when I'm with Felix? He doesn't even have anything to with it!"

"What did you remember?"

"As if the song itself wasn't already depressing enough, it's the same song mom listened to on the first and last Christmas we had without my dad."

"Oh dear!" She gasp.

"Christmas has always been my favourite time of the year you know. However, that particular Christmas was the lowest point in my life. I had to see mom literally cry herself to bed listening to that song... I know mom loved dad so much, but then after they went their separate ways, I saw sides of her I never expected I'd see."

She draws nearer to smear the tears streaming down my face.

"This Christmas is supposed to be special, then tell me why it is so difficult to move on! Why is it so hard to enjoy special moments in my life?! Why does the past always ruin everything?"