Go Ask Jennifer

Everybody wants to rule the world

Dear diary September 13th 1984
To the naked eye I'm the the perfect daughter .2. My older sister is paving the way my life is supposed to play out if not better. Don't get me wrong I love Roslyn but I don't think I want to live her life.

It's the start of 9th grade. 12th grade for Roslyn. Pretty soon I'll have to live up to college scores and won't that be a great time. I'm officially in high school and it's been good, boring. I used to love school but when im constantly being pushed so hard to keep them I feel like I'm droning out in class because the question in my moms voice inside my head is louder asking "Are you remembering this?" "Did you forget something? You should ask just in case." On a loop for every class. Except my writing class which they insisted that I replace with another language class which I told her I couldn't until I passed 2 semesters of Spanish 1. I was buying myself time and it worked.

Needless to say 9th grade is another banner year for the it girl who feels so conflicted about going on with her paved way throughout life. And is starting to talk in third person.

"Jennifer!" I heard just outside my bedroom door before it swung open. "It's your turn to set the table, come on." Roslyn insisted as she leaned in the door way.

"I'll be down in a second." I tell her while clutching my diary closer to me and out of her line of sight but she didn't even bother to look. Her face read impatient and that only means she just got home from practice or she wants to go night running before the curfew. She doesn't care about what I'm doing.

She doesn't respond as she closes the door. The click of the handle was like a period to the end of sentence she didn't bother to say. "Hurry up." Impatient.

P.s. diary, remind me to buy a lock for my door. Daughter of the year .2 is now up in line for setting the table.
Until next time.

The dinner talk was and usually is mostly Roslyn talking about the number of colleges she's debating even though we all know she's going to Cornell in NY. She's a sucker for the big bright lights of New York. It's basically all she ever talks about. When she's not blabbing on about her friends. Don't get me wrong I love my sister but I don't wanna be her. I want the ability to make my own choices, like taking writing class over both Spanish 1 and Spanish 2 at the same time.

My dad briefly asked me about my day but I didn't really provide much just that my math test went well and my English teacher thought my response to Romeo and Juliet was a very good response. They seemed to take it as it may and went on with it. Truth is I have no idea if I passed, I don't even remember any of the questions. At this point I'd be lucky if I got a c, but I'm Roslyn Jareaus little sister. I have to be good. At everything. I have to be a good student, a good friend, a good daughter and a good sister. A good athlete. A good face the Jareau name to the public.

So I decide to start pitching in here and there to the steady table talk between my family. For a moment it was all good. I said something funny and Roslyn smiles at me. My dad dropped mashed potatoes on his shirt so my mom wiped it off with a napkin very lovingly. My dad made a common dad joke which felt cheesy at the time but nostalgic at the same time. Until suddenly Roslyn came out with her grand finale, she was picked to go on a poetry tour to New York at the end of the year with her advanced English class. It's an amazing opportunity and the class would spend all year saving up for the tickets. I wish I could go with her. Poetry is unreal. The way people can connect their feelings to something opposite to what they are and still get the same feeling.

I eventually returned to the brim of the table, I felt invisible. Whatever I was saying before she cut me off got tossed out into a abyss. Forgotten. I decided I wasn't even hungry anymore and decided to take care of my dishes. I took my time rinsing the dishes and as I looked out the window in front of the sink I saw a moving van parked out across the street. I didn't see anyone but I figured it'd only be a time until they sold that place. It's a huge house, one of the biggest on the block. Im surprised it was on the market for as long as it was. It's probably some retired couple looking to move away from the big city.

I finished rinsing off my fork and knife and turned off the faucet. I walked right past the dining room and it's like I'm a ghost. I'm only there when they want to see me, any other time I'm nothing. I wonder how different next year will be. I'll be alone in the house while Roslyns 4 hours away. Is it bad I wanna stay invisible. At least here they don't know that I actually failed my first math test or that I was two minutes late to first period. You'd think with all the teachers in this school who are also my parents friend they would know about it but all anyone's notices is Roslyn. Am I really invisible?

"Bye dad! Im off to the library." I heard Roslyn still from downstairs. I can hear him call something back, "Have fun sweetie, love ya!" something like that. I grab my diary from it's convenient little spot between my pillows and open where I left off.

Dear Diary.

Yes. Yes I am just invisible.