The Act Of Killing Yourself

CHAPTER 4 (Raison De Vivre)

SEPTEMBER, 21. 2020
7:49 pm

"Isang estudyante nanaman ang natagpuang patay sa kaniyang apartment. Ayon sa mga pulis ay na-overdose ito sa pag-inom ng mga gamot. Iniimbistigahan pa rin ng---"

Mabilis na dinampot ni Maria ang remote at agad na pinatay ang TV.

5 months have passed. The number of suicide cases has increased in their area and even in other parts of the country, the suicide rate has also increased. From 30% it climbed to 55% in just 5 months. And most of it is purely students.

"Wala na bang ibang ibabalitang maganda diyan sa TV? Puro nalang about suicide, nakakabahala na." Ani Maria na biglang napatingin kay Elissa na seryosong nagsusulat sa kaniyang notebook.

Agad itong napansin ni Jeremy at napatingin din kay Elissa na kaharap lang nila.

Lately kasi ay mas lalong lumalala ang pagiging tulala nito. Minsan ay kahit kaharap na nila ito at kinakausap ay hindi pa rin ito nagsasalita. Nababahala na sila sa kalagayan ng kaibigan. Pinalayas din ito ng tita niya sa bahay nila at natanggal din sa trabaho. Kaya halos nagpatong patong na ang problema nito.

Elissa now lives in Maria's house and she does not know how long she will stay there. It was Maria who suggested that she live with them first because Maria wanted to keep an eye on Elissa. Jeremy and Maria knew Elissa's situation so they did not hesitate to help their friend.

Their friend has really changed. This was no longer the formerly happy and energetic Elissa they had known.

"Tapos na ba iyang essay para sa group presentation, Elissa?" Tanong ni Jeremy.

"Patapos naman na. Konting outline na lang." Maikling tugon nito sa kaniya.

Napatango nalang si Jeremy bilang tugon. Ayaw naman niya na guluhin ang kaibigan. Bumalik nalang siya sa ginagawa.

Ilang saglit lang ay natapos naman na agad ni Elissa ang kaniyang ginagawa. Marahan itong tumayo at nag-unat.

"Maria, Jeremy."

Napatigil sa ginagawa si Maria at Jeremy nang tawagin sila ni Elissa.

Nakatingin lang ang dalawa sa kaniya na tila inaantay ang kaniyang sasabihin.

"What if i die?" Saad nito habang pinaglalaruan ang ballpen sa daliri niya. "I don't have any reason to live. I don't have a family, at nagiging pabigat pa ako..." Dagdag pa nito.

"Elissa stop." Maria suddenly stood up. "What are you talking about? Nandito pa kami ni Jeremy, are we a joke to you, Elissa?"

Sa mga oras na iyon ay hindi na napigilan ni Elissa ang mapaiyak. Kasabay nuon ay ang pagbuhos ng luha ni Maria at Jeremy.

"if you can't find the reason to live, find the reason that makes you happy. find the reason why you need to live. even if your life has become complicated, the day will still come when everything will be fine as well. you just have to be stable in life." Jeremy said while crying. "There's so many people who wants to live their lives to it's fullest. Find a reason to live, please?" jeremy knelt in front of her.

Elissa becomes more emotionally. Tagos sa kaniya ang sinabi ng kaibigan. several times she tried to commit suicide but several times it also did not go through.

"Jeremy tayo na diyan." Nauutal utal na saad ni Elissa. Ayaw niyang makita ang kaibigan niya sa ganong sitwasyon.

"Please."

Tila hikbi lang ang naisagot ng dalaga sa kaniya.

Agad din naman na tumayo si Jeremy at lumapit sila ni Maria kay Elissa at mariin na niyakap ito.

"We're here. Whatever it takes, hindi ka namin iiwan."

Sa mga binitawang salita na iyon ni Maria ang mas lalong nagpalakas ng iyakan sa tahimik na silid.

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SEPTEMBER, 25. 2020
8:40 am

"Pwede na ba bisitahin si Brix sa ospital?" Tanong ni Jace habang inaayos ang gamit na dadalhin nila sa ospital.

"Pwede na daw. Tapos na daw siya operahan sabi ni tita." Sagot naman ni Kevin.

"Lagot talaga sakin iyan si Brix mamaya, sabi nang mag-ingat sa pagmamaneho ng motor e." Medyo pagalit na saad ni Rupert.

Brix had an accident because of its speed while driving in the middle of the road. it crashed into the truck and threw its motor to the side of the road. he's just lucky and he's still alive.

"Ready na ba lahat ng dadalhin?" Tanong ni Aries habang buhat ang maleta palabas.

Tumugon naman ang tatlo at isa isa nang lumabas.

_____________________________________

SEPTEMBER, 25. 2020
10:15 am

"We're here motherfucker." Bungad ni Rupert pagpasok niya sa room ni Brix.

Muntik pa itong madulas dahil sa basang sahig.

Agad din naman pumasok sila Jace, Kevin at Aries.

"Kumusta ka na? Buhay ka pa?" Kevin asked. He slightly punched Brix's arm.

"Aray ko punyeta ka, kagagaling ko lang sa opera." Natatawang tugon ni Brix.

Nag-tawanan ang magkakaibigan.

Nag-usap usap ang mga ito tungkol sa mga kaganapan sa kanilang mga buhay, Hanggang sa magpaalam si Jace na lalabas muna saglit para mag-muni muni saglit.

Pumayag naman ang magkakaibigan at bumalik na sa kanilang pinaguusapan.

Nang makalabas ay dumiretso si Jace sa may ward. Sa hindi kalayuan ay may nakita siyang isang ginang na nasa mid 40's to 50's ang edad. Nakaupo lang ito at tila malalim ang iniisip.

Lumapit si Jace dito at nakiupo din.

"Today is my son's...Iver's birthday."

Nagulat si Jace nang biglang magsalita ang ginang. Napalingon siya dito.

"He'd be 20 if he was still alive." Saad nito at napayuko ng bahagya. "Only 19 years... It wasn't long enough. He was almost an adult. But he never made it."

Tila sa mga sandaling iyon ay napako si Jace sa kaniyang kinauupuan habang nakikinig sa misteryosong ginang sa tabi niya.

"He had a genetic disease. Me, i'm healthy as a horse. But him..." Saglit itong tumigil at pinunasan ang luhang dumadaloy sa kaniyang pisnge. "The doctors detected it at birth. They knew he wouldn't live to see adulthood. Every day, i wondered if he'd wake up the next morning...I blamed myself for what he inherited."

Hindi makapagsalita si Jace. Tila binuhusan ito ng malamig na tubig. Sa bawat salitang binibitawan ng ginang ay ramdam niya ang kirot sa boses nito.

"He said something to me near the end. 'Im sorry to have brought so much pain into your life, Mom. I'm glad to have been given life, i"m glad to have been your Son. Thank you so much for the life you have given me.' That's what he said."

The lady burst into tears. Jace quickly handed his handkerchief to the lady.

"Siya iyong naghihirap pero siya pa nagsabi sa akin non. Pero iyung anak kong iyon, He brought me a lot of joy too." Saad ng ginang habang pinupunasan ang mga luha niya.

"Holding his warm body in my arms just after he was born.. those tiny hands... That first smile... Hearing him breathe easily at night.. Every day, i gave thanks to him being alive.. Every day, i found new joy in him. And now i'm so lonely, and there's nothing i can do.... But my boy gave me so much, That i have to keep on going, looking straight ahead... That's how i feel."

Humarap kay Jace ang ginang at bahagyang ngumiti.

"If i didn't have that to look forward to... I don't know how i could go on."

On that day. Jace threw the small knife on his pocket.

"Damn it." Jace whispered.