AMBIVALENT [COMPLETED]

7-END

okiee last chapter make sure dengar lagu tu tau supaya lebih menghayati gitchew. finally jantan babi punya pov omo omo sorry ari 🤭

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1018+ messages.

Dari Dini, group sekolah lama,group sepupu dan bermacam group lagi. Semua bertanya tentang khabarnya. Sihat ke tidak? Bila discharge? Tapi matanya tertancap pada satu nombor yang tidak disave. Gatal tangannya menekan messages dari nombor itu.

sayang. ari tau awak block nombor-nombor lama ari and now i couldn't contact u so ari beli number baru. fahad pun dah block ari,so ari harap awak tak marah ari message for the last time.

Awal-awal lagi Faira rasa nak melempang diri sendiri. Gatal sangat bukak message ni dah kenapa?!

first of all ari harap faira baca sampai habis. kalini je sayang,please. ari nak explain everything semalam,but i couldn't bring myself to. when i saw u hurting,ari tak boleh. ari takut. bukan sebab awak marah ari,tapi sebab u're bleeding at that time dan ari tak mampu nak buat apa-apa sebab i don't wanna make it worse.

bila faira tanya apa lagi yang tak cukup dengan diri faira,ari tak tau nak jawab ape cause u're enough. u're perfect. ari yang salah sebab buat awak rasa macamtu. bila faira cakap faira cinta ari macam nak gila,i wanna scream my lungs out the same thing. ari cinta faira. ari sayang. sangat. but i couldn't sebab i don't want to hurt u lagi.

dari dulu ari sayang faira. when i first saw u,masatu first time ari ikut ad balik rumah sebab masetu mama abah pergi haji. ari taktau la awak ingat ke tak tapi first day ari dekat rumah awak,i stared at you all day long sampai awak carut bodo dekat ari dulu. pastu malam tu awak nangis kena marah dengan ad sebab salah buat addmath sampai awak koyak kertas baling barang. masetu dalam otak ari memang ari rasa budak ni spoiled brat nak mampus yang macam all take no give centu.

but i was wrong. u take it serious when it comes to us. masa mama meninggal,u're the one who comforted me a lot. faira sanggup drive dari kampus tengah malam so that i won't be grieving alone. masetu ari rasa syukur but at the same time ari macam hilang separuh dari diri sendiri. mama was part of myself. mama penting,sama macam faira.

ari sambung degree dekat sabah sebab ari nak jauh dari semenanjung,nak jauh dari all those pain memories. kalau boleh ari nak sambung overseas tapi ari fikir awak. sepanjang intern, ari tak tipu bila ari kata busy. i started to feel macam all of this were wrong. us. ari rasa macam ari tak boleh go dengan relay kita sebab i couldn't give anything to u. i couldn't do anything. that's why i started being harsh with u,dengan harapan awak akan tinggalkan ari sebab ari memang takkan tinggalkan awak. ari sayang,but i lose hope. masa awak graduate,ari mintak maaf sebab tak datang. masa birthday awak,ari ingat tapi ari tak wish. i'm sorry for all the pain i've caused u,sayang. ari tau it was so hard for u to stay with me,dan ari taktau kenapa awak sanggup nak stay.

ari nak awak tinggalkan ari before it was too late,sebab ari tanak rasa the pain of grieving for the second time. ari takut tengok jenazah mama diusung masuk dalam kubur,at that time ari terfikir. macam mana kalau faira yang pergi macamtu? maybe awak rasa semua yang ari cakap ni doesn't make sense tapi please percaya satu ni je. ARI SAYANG AWAK SANGAT-SANGAT,that i couldn't see you hurting. tapi bila faira decided nak putus,ari triggered. ari takut. ari tanak lepas faira but at the same time ari tanak seksa faira. yes,i admit that i'm an asshole. ari jantan babi macam awak cakap. tapi ari taktau nak buat macam mana sayang. ari nak awak pergi but at the same time ari nak awak sentiasa dengan ari.

u urged me untuk putus putus putus setiap hari sampai ari couldn't think straight. ari block sebab ari tanak jawab your stupid question yang tak habis habis tanya ari ada orang lain ke sume tu. tiga bulan tu ari busy kerja,balik malam terus tidur memang tak sempat tengok phone langsung. ari lupa nak unblock awak. pastu bila ari try contact awak,awak pulak yang block ari. ari rasa tak sedap hati sebab awak block semua socmed dari ari. ari tanya ad,ad kata awak ok.

the last time ari called ad,ari dengar awak cakap awak benci ari sangat-sangat. jangan kacau awak kalau tanak mati. ari tak takut ugutan awak,tapi ari takut masa awak cakap awak benci ari. rasa lost. rasa macam menyesal dengan apa yang ari buat selama ni. i admit that i was the toxic one. ari selfish. i hurt u. so seharian tu ari drive pergi pantai yang awak suka pergi tu sambil fikir arah tuju relay kita. is it worth the pain? is it worth the heartbreak?

esok paginya baru ari baca messages dari ad. beratus dia hantar. banyak gila babi tapi ari baca satu je. "faira masuk hospital." then ari terus pecut balik sini. ari tunggu awak lama sangat sayang and every seconds of it,ari rasa suffocated. lama sangat awak dalam tu,ari takut awak mati. ari takut awak pergi before i explain everything. lima hari tunggu and finally awak sedar. for the second time ari rasa teragak-agak. i don't know what's wrong with me. ari tanak jumpa awak sebab ari takut tengok awak sakit. bodo kan ari? but don't worry ad dah tolong tumbuk ari masa first day ari sampai hospital. dia marah sangat kat ari tapi ari faham. sebab ari sendiri pun marah kat diri sendiri.

so long story short,ari nak mintak maaf for all the bullshit i've done. ari tak akan mintak awak maafkan ari sebab ari tahu it's hard for u. u're enough sayang. bila ari cakap u completed me, ari tak tipu. u really completed me. ari sayang awak sangat-sangat.

ari tunggu awak. i'll give u times as many as possible sampai awak ready untuk jumpa ari in person and talk about us semula. masetu kalau awak nak cakap apa pun,i'm ready. awak nak putus,i accept. awak nak lepas geram nak pukul ari pun,ari terima. awak nak carut jantan babi seribu kali pun ari akan tadah telinga. so please live a healthy life untuk balas dendam pada ari. hidup untuk ari. ok sayang?

ari tunggu. <8 (8 for infinity-represents my infinite love for u)

Air mata yang mengalir perlahan di pipi dilap menggunakan belakang tangan. You're a fucking asshole,Ari. How is it possible to love and hate u at the same time? Ironinya,we both have the same issues—emotionally ambivalent.

TAMAT

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ambivalent:-means that these two emotions(love and hate) don't substitute each other, but rather coexist together, without displacing one another.