Ena
I will always remember this day as being one of the worst of my life.
It's the middle of September, and it's raining. Harder than it has in a long time.
I remember coming home from the office as I do everyday. This day, though, Was a little earlier than normal. Dr. Moore had a conference in New York that he had to catch a flight for in the morning.
He made his usual wanna-be my therapist comment, 'Don't go crazy while I'm away. I'm gonna need my assistant first thing Monday morning."
I shook my head, with absolutely certainty in my body that he had the wrong woman. He had the wrong idea entirely of who I am. I'm no mental patient. Regardless of his comments after his Psych-evaluation upon hiring me.
I told him my background. Of growing up in an almost zero parent household, practically raising myself aside from my amazing grandparents who gratefully decided to take me in.
But That's a story that I'll get to when I get to it.
Bottom of the line right now — He referred to me as shockingly an amazing worker. But his door was open whenever the time comes.
As If he just knows that I'll need him.
Before tonight, I never was even bothered to even try to dig into what he meant by that. Because I knew I wasn't crazy so it just sounded like nonsense to me.
Looking back, those words coming from a psychologist.... I definitely should have took the hint. But I didn't. I didn't care actually. I thought he had me all wrong.
I know it's not all about being crazy. There are a number of areas in life that contribute to your mental wellness. Some areas are more critical and crucial than others. I had some critical absentees myself. But I figured I was an exception.
Because I really did feel good about myself.
Regardless of my shitty, almost absent mother ... a father that doesn't even acknowledge my existence ... never being loved properly by either of them.
I still thought I was fine. I was intelligent, charismatic. I'm college educated. I have a career going. A few good friends. And beyond all that, at home, I have my granny. She's like 8 loved ones in one person. That's all the love and guidance I need to be alright in this world.
I thought.
But I never in a million years imagined the idea of life without her. And who would I be then, if she were to ever leave.
Never took that piece out of the puzzle and looked at my life that way.
Well I should've because here I am.
A mess on the floor of my place, all alone, hundreds of miles from home without a single person to comfort me.
What. The. Fuck is my life?
6:47pm
She's gone Ena. The funeral will be next Saturday. And I have nothing to wear.
