The funeral was the hardest part of my accepting that my grandmother is gone. But it was also the closure I needed to feel how good our relationship was.
It makes me happy to know that through my tears, the memories that hit me more than anything, are the good ones. We had an amazing friendship, and it grew more profound and solid when my grandpa passed. We were each other's backbones as we both knew that we were all that we had.
"Had" I said under my breath as I eased around her home.
The agony that trapped my heart as I looked at each picture knowing that that is now my past, made me weak to stand. Knowing That everything that I face now will be lone battles. These people that are walking through this house and sitting on her furniture pretending to care, won't be there for me like that. All we have in common is blood.
Some people are family, but rarely — if at all — acknowledge it and show it. Sometimes it's because they don't care to ... some times it's because they don't know how.
My grandma Lilly is the reason that I know the difference between the 2. And the reason that I'm here today, making the effort to show that I'm here. Even if I'm not needed or wanted. I know that I'm not.... But it's what you do for your family.
"Little big Ena," I heard the words of one of my distant 'close' cousins. And I could feel my heart drop to my stomach, as I prepare myself to be insulted more than cared for. As usual.
"How you holding up mama?" She asks with concern, and my heart pounding settles at the thought of this being a sincere conversation for once.
"Hey Camilla, I'm okay... just trying to get through the day." I faintly smile, trying to make the best of the moment. But not wanting to get into my feelings, I ask
"How are you?"
"As good as I can be considering. But at least you don't look like what you're going through," She jokes, and I know she's hinting at the bracelet on my arm that she looked at for a second longer than anything else on my body. "Okay Ms. Psychologist" she cheers playfully in tone but I know that it's anything but a compliment.
And this is what I mean when I say, that they act nothing like family. Instead of doing the caring gesture of making sure that I am actually okay. She proceeded to breeze past being a shoulder for me to lean on, right on to being a nosey mess of a person. Just like always.. She's trying to make me feel bad for leaving this small gossip-filled Mississippi town to actually go after my dreams and goals. Some cousin.
Louisiana isn't far from here but at least there's better breathing room to be imperfect.
I should punch her. Right in that slick mouth of hers. But I would never disrespect my grandmothers home, or her things. Especially if she's no longer here to speak for herself.
"Grandma Lilly actually gifted me this before she passed. At her last family get together. You know the one that you and everyone else were too busy to stop by?" I corrected her.
And her lips slimmed as tight as the scrunchy around that stale ponytail of hers.
Before she could respond, my phone started vibrating from an unknown call. The second one today, so I just held up my finger, excusing myself from my mess of a cousin before I said something I'd regret.
"Good talking to you 'Milla, i gotta take this." I lied through my teeth. And just went into the kitchen. Wanting to take the call but too uncertain to answer. I denied it again.
Who could that even be? It looks familiar number. But the message thread was empty. So I know it couldn't be anyone serious. I haven't had a real relationship outside of my best friend, in well over a year or 2.
