"I understand boo.." He nodded his head and began to rub my thighs slowly. "That's fucked up."
I couldn't run back into Dr. Moore's office after he said what he said to me. Because what I wanted, I knew that he couldn't give to me.
A listening ear wasn't enough.... I needed someone to hug me. Rub my back. Kiss my tears and pain away. Someone that didn't want to see me hurt, and wanted to do whatever was necessary to make me feel better.
As good as it sounds in my head... that would be unprofessional. So he couldn't do any of those things.... And I didn't say anything more. I did as I usually did, worked hard with my head down, and occasionally looked up if He or Giselle needed me for anything extra. But for the rest of the week his words resonated in my mind. Playing over and over like a broken record.
It made me feel desperate and sad. To crave that kind of attention from a man that probably says the same exact words to 10 different people in a days time.
Who am I to think that I'm so special that his words meant something more solid when it comes to me.?
So I pushed him back as far as I could.... But still ended up doing something that I knew would get me no where. I finally opened up to Kevin about what happened and why we hadn't hung out for some time... that that was the reason that I ignored his calls.
"It's all good Ee," he took my hands into his and brought it to his lips kissing them. And I feel for a second that I made the right call.
"Thank you for understanding—," I try to express my gratitude... but before I can even get it out he interrupts to say.
"You can just make it up to me," skipping over every piece of my truth that I just poured out to him. I told him about losing the only mom that I know. And sex is still at the top of his mind.
I really thought he'd know to separate real shit from this... for once.
But from the tone of no interest in my life as he spoke, skipping over me and rubbing my body like He hadn't touched me in years ... let me know that this was a mistake.
He didn't give a shit... all he wanted was what's underneath my panties.
I instantly become disgusted, because regardless of this being a friend with benefit type of relationship.... I've at least been a friend to him when he needed it. I've let him vent to me.— even though I was clear that no feelings needed to be involved.
I wasn't even asking for him to wipe my tears ... a simple "I'm sorry you have to go through this" would have been fine.
But no, I get a, 'you can just make it up to me?'
I stood to my feet immediately and looked him in his eyes and said,
"Just leave."
He looks to the side as if he's surprised by my saying.... So I assure him,
"Right fucking now, just go home!"
"What did I do wrong?" He questions.
I say nothing. Because if I say anything I'd be calling him everything but his name.
He sighs and smacks his lips... "So its like that? We not gone do us? & you kicking me out?" His words hit me as I began to tie up my silk robe.
I considered not even responding. Because I knew that this was his intentions. I just didn't think it had became his only concern.
"What did I do baby?" He grabbed for my hand. And I jerked myself back. Anger almost consuming me whole.
